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Grieving Daughter Rebuffs Friends' Comforting Words
DEAR ABBY: My father was murdered. I am dealing with it the best I can. I appreciate that people want to extend their condolences, but I have started letting my phone go directly to voice mail because I just can't handle hearing, "You're in my prayers," or, "This is all part of some plan." I want to be left alone!
I am angry, Abby, and I don't want to take it out on people who care about me. One of my in-laws has been telling me I need to "suck it up" and allow others the privilege of trying to make me feel better. I think I have the right to grieve in the manner I choose. Who is correct? -- GRIEF-STRICKEN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN: YOU are! Your in-law's comment was incredibly insensitive. Under the circumstances, your feelings are normal, part of the grieving process, and nobody has the right to tell you how to work through it.
DEAR ABBY: Over the past two years my daughter and son-in-law have lost a lot of weight. They, as well as my grandsons, eat very little and don't like being put in the position of having to order food.
My problem is not knowing how to celebrate without food. When I think of holidays, I think of a family meal. I'm usually imaginative, but this stumps me. Any ideas? -- STUMPED IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR STUMPED: You're not alone in associating food with socializing. Eating is so ingrained in our culture it seems to have become our national pastime. However, it doesn't have to be that way.
Rather than plan a meal, invite your daughter and her family to a movie, sporting event -- even a short hike, if you're up to it. And if you feel you must serve something, offer to bring along a healthy snack, such as fruit or veggies, that they can enjoy if they get the munchies.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a wonderful man with many interests and activities. We have an active social life and friends of all ages. My problem is he constantly tells everyone about his ailments, medications and medical issues no matter how big or small.
I am uncomfortable with this topic because I don't feel these are things you bring up with people other than your family or your doctor -- and certainly not in casual conversations with anyone who will listen. Am I wrong? -- MARY IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR MARY: You are correct. For the most part, casual acquaintances are not interested in hearing an "organ recital" when they ask the casual, "How are you?" In fact, sooner or later they avoid people who constantly complain and talk only about themselves. The popular person is the one who shows an interest in others.
DEAR ABBY: I have always heard that if something seems to be too good to be true then it must be. Several of my relationships ended with very hurt feelings on both sides. In one case, I relocated to another state to escape the drama.
Now I finally seem to have found my dream girl. It has been more than a year now, and it still feels like it's the first time whenever we see each other. We have more in common than I ever thought possible. We rarely disagree -- except when we argue about who loves the other more.
Do you believe there is truth in that old adage, or could love this empowering and refreshing be for real? -- SMITTEN IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR SMITTEN: Most of the old adages have some truth to them, but people don't live their lives according to the old adages. And yes, love this empowering and refreshing could, indeed, be for real. So to quote another adage, "Only time will tell." Write me in another year and tell me how it's going.
'Tired' Husband Finds Energy to Leave His Wife, Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Aaron," and I have been married five years. We hit a rough patch, and when I'd ask him what was wrong, he would always say he was "just tired."
One day I returned from work and found a note saying he had left me.
My husband has been gone more than a month now. We have a 3-year-old daughter. I have spoken to Aaron on the phone, and he tells me he's coming home, but he never shows. Our daughter is asking questions about her daddy that I don't know how to answer, so I just hug her and tell her he's not coming home right now.
I can't understand what has happened. Aaron says he still loves me. How can he put me through this? I could never leave my child for this amount of time. I hold out hope that he will come back, but deep down I know I should move on. I love him, though, and so does our daughter. How do I give up on that? -- BROKEN AND LOST IN KENTUCKY
DEAR BROKEN AND LOST: Unless your husband is in jail or witness protection, the chances are that he is with someone else. It would be better for you and your daughter if he would be honest and admit what's going on, but it appears he doesn't have the courage.
Because you're not ready to give up, you should stand pat. Sooner or later you'll learn the score, and when you do, you'll have a better idea of how to handle the situation.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is a hoarder, and anything her son (my husband) and I do to bring it to her attention makes her angry.
When we had a meeting with her and her doctor about the situation, she denied that she had a problem. She straight-out lied to him and said she's "working on the issue." In reality she has done nothing.
It has reached the point that my mother-in-law is sleeping on a corner of her couch because the clutter has forced her out of her bedroom. Is there any organization out there that we can contact for support and guidance on how to address this? -- HOPING TO HELP, PUEBLO, COLO.
DEAR HOPING: When the tendency to hoard becomes as overwhelming as your mother-in-law's has, it may be a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation is a reliable resource that may be able to help you help her. It has many local chapters that educate about this treatable neurological disorder, and they can refer you to qualified professionals.
The OC Foundation offers individuals with this disorder the support they need to manage their symptoms, and can help you persuade your MIL to seek the help she needs. Its address is P.O. Box 961029, Boston, MA 02196. Its phone number is (617) 973-5801 and its Web site is � HYPERLINK "http://www.ocfoundation.org" ��www.ocfoundation.org�.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are very much in love and plan on being married in October. We're both in our 50s.
I have a secret that I haven't told him and I'm afraid to because I'm worried he won't love me anymore if I do. My secret is I wear dentures. He's always telling me what beautiful teeth I have and he wishes his were as pretty as mine.
I feel that I should be honest about this before we get married. Should I tell? -- SPARKLING WHITE IN TEXAS
DEAR SPARKLING: Of course you should tell him -- because he is going to find out eventually anyway. Here's how to approach it. The next time he compliments you, tell him if he wants teeth as beautiful as yours, it's doable; all he has to do is call your dentist.
DAUGHTER SHOULD BE SPARED PAIN OF KNOWING SHE WAS UNWANTED
DEAR ABBY: I just had to respond to "Daddy Who Cares" (June 2), whose wife is threatening to tell their teenaged daughter, "Gina," she was not wanted. For me a person's most defining trait is not gender, age or race. It's whether or not he or she was wanted. The other traits are things that nature or society put on you. Once you know you were not wanted by the people who put you here, it can easily define you, and it brings pain that will never go away.
It doesn't matter how much you achieve or how much your parents say they love you. A piece of your life just doesn't fit. Those of us who carry this knowledge understand the sadness very well. It is something that can't be taken back.
So please inform "Daddy Who Cares'" wife that what she felt so many years ago is nothing compared to the sadness that "Gina" will bear and examine throughout her life. There is no unhappiness more lasting than knowing you were not welcomed into this world. -- WOUNDED HEART IN NEW YORK
DEAR WOUNDED: Thank you for your heartfelt letter. Readers were extremely vocal on this subject and agree that telling "Gina" would be devastating and only cause her undeserved and unnecessary pain. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Kudos on your advice to "Daddy Who Cares." When I was a teenager I overheard my mother tell a friend of hers that I was an unplanned pregnancy. To the best of my knowledge, my parents never considered abortion, but nonetheless, it destroyed my self-esteem.
In the case of "Daddy," where abortion was considered and planned, I suspect the emotional damage would be far worse. It's a good thing "Daddy" has custody because the mother seems willing to disregard her child's welfare in order to get vengeance on her husband. You're right, Abby -- absolutely no good can come from the disclosure of that information. -- ONE WHO KNOWS IN CHICAGO
DEAR ABBY: I was a child who was both unplanned and unwanted. When I was 13, my mother, in a fit of anger, told me she wished she had the abortion she planned to have before I was born. It was then that I realized that the "gut" feeling I'd had all my life to that point and beyond was correct -- my mother never wanted me. Neither of my parents ever told me the whole truth nor did they ever say how glad they were not to have gone through with the plan.
I have always had difficulty trusting my parents, and I have always known I wasn't wanted. Years of therapy have healed the deep wounds. "Daddy" should tell his daughter the story and also tell her how much he loves her and wants her in his life, and that he is glad they never went through with the original plan. If he does, she will be able to trust him and know she was not a "mistake." -- DEEPLY WOUNDED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR ABBY: Ever since I can remember, my mother has told me her "funny story" about how she was "horrified" when she learned she was pregnant with me and asked the doctor for an abortion. And as a result, I have struggled with low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness my entire life.
As an adult and mother, I can pinpoint this "amusing anecdote" as the root cause of many of these issues. I pray that the young girl in that letter never finds out that her parents considered abortion. No matter how many times her dad says he "thanks God everyday that she is here," the damage to her psyche will be forever. -- WISH I NEVER KNEW
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)