Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
Thrill Loving Mom Gives No Sympathy to Fearful Daughter
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl and I have always had a fear of heights. But my mother and sister love thrill rides. As a result, we often go to theme parks. When we do, I'll usually go on a couple of the "kiddie rides," which is what Mom calls "mild" rides. Mom and my sister try to drag me on the roller coasters, but I always say no.
After I refuse a few times, Mom will finally snap. The last time it happened she said: "You know what? I'm not paying for your ticket if you're going to wimp out and not go on any rides."
I have been driven to tears more than once. She won't stop even if my friends are with us. I wish I could stay home when they go, but then my mom accuses me of being "antisocial."
Please tell me what I can do or say to her to make her stop doing this. -- TIRED TEEN IN COLTON, N.Y.
DEAR TIRED TEEN: Your mother may think that your refusal to go on the roller coaster (etc.) is a bid for attention, but she is wrong. She isn't taking into consideration how severe a fear of heights can be -- some people require professional intervention to overcome it, and it costs a heck of a lot more than a ticket to a theme park. Because you can't seem to get through to her, appeal to one of her friends or a close relative to help you get the message across. Believe me, you have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: In December, right before Christmas, my daughter and I went shopping. We visited several stores in a strip mall in the small town where we live. After returning to my vehicle, I left the wheelchair I use for long distances at the back for my daughter to load.
We were getting ready to leave town. I hurried home, wrapped the gifts I had bought, then rushed out again to deliver them in the next town. When we reached our next stop, I realized I had left my wallet in the pocket of my wheelchair. When I asked my daughter to retrieve it, she looked at me and said, "You took the wheelchair out?" That was when we realized she had forgotten to load it.
I started calling the stores to ask if anyone had turned in a wallet and wheelchair. The answer was no. When I decided to call the sheriff's department and ask if anyone had turned the items in, the dispatcher began asking me all kinds of questions about my whereabouts and safety. Abby, they thought I had been kidnapped! I felt terrible for upsetting everyone.
I would like to thank the good Samaritan who turned in my wheelchair and my wallet, intact, with nothing missing. The items in it could have been replaced, but there is no way I could have replaced the wheelchair because it was expensive.
I would also like to thank the sheriff's department, which had a deputy at the door before I was off the phone with the dispatcher, for their quick response. -- GINGER IN LIVE OAK, FLA.
DEAR GINGER: I'm pleased to publish your testimonial to the fact that there are honest, caring people in this world. Of course, it's no surprise, but we seem to hear an awful lot more about sociopaths and psychopaths than we do the good people who make up the vast majority. And hats off to your sheriff's department, who handled the situation with proficiency, humanity and professionalism.
Friend Feels She's Always the Caller Who's Waiting
DEAR ABBY: I often go to the movies with my friend "Valerie." During the movie she puts her phone on mute, but I can still hear when it vibrates. Val acts embarrassed by it, but she never turns the phone off.
As soon as the movie ends, Val will check her phone for the message. (It's never anything that couldn't wait.) Then she returns the call and talks to the caller all the way out of the theater and to her car where we say our goodbyes.
The last time we went to a film, I met her at a cinema miles from where I live, battling rush-hour traffic. When I arrived, she was standing in line with her exercise instructor. They spent the extra hour before the movie began discussing workout techniques, completely ignoring me and the instructor's husband. Val also "had" to place a call to a co-worker while we waited.
When Valerie calls me, she'll interrupt me in mid-sentence to take a non-emergency call from family. She promises to call me right back, but never does. Abby, I value her friendship, but I'm tired of her rudeness. I'm not good at confrontations. What can I do? -- SECOND BANANA
DEAR SECOND BANANA: The relationship you have with Val is not what I would call friendship. Friends enjoy each other's company and enjoy talking with each other. Friends are sensitive to each other's feelings. With each of the actions you have described, Val is demonstrating that you -- and your feelings -- are less important than what she impulsively decides to do at the moment.
Under the circumstances, I don't think it would be "confrontational" to tell this woman that your feelings are hurt and why. From where I sit, she has treated you like nothing more than a seat partner.
DEAR ABBY: What does it mean when a spouse refers only to himself when talking about things that involve the two of us as a couple? Example: We're building a house, but he never says "we" when talking about it. He'll say, "my house," or "I'm not going to pay that much."
When I mention this to him, he gets angry and says, "You know what I mean." Well, I don't because I always say "we" when referring to financial matters or anything else that pertains to both of us. Am I being petty? -- TEAM PLAYER IN OHIO
DEAR TEAM PLAYER: Yes, if you take this personally. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't worth picking a fight over. And if you're smart, you will choose your battles.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are invited to my dad and stepmom's house for almost every holiday. There are usually 25 to 35 people at these events. After dinner, the "girls" are expected to clear the tables, wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. I don't mind volunteering, but my stepmom INSISTS. No dessert is served until everything is clean.
When I invite guests to my home, I ask them to leave the dishes and "let's enjoy ourselves." I believe that when you invite people over, you should not expect them to work unless they volunteer. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- STUCK IN A CYCLE
DEAR STUCK: You are entitled to your feelings, but what you are describing are two different styles of entertaining. Your father and stepmom are traditional in their thinking, as demonstrated by the gender-driven division of labor. While I agree that your stepmom could be less heavy-handed in her approach, it is her house, and on their turf, the hosts get to make the rules. If you really resent being conscripted when you attend these gatherings, perhaps you should attend fewer of them.
CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: It's your birthday, Mama -- 91 amazing years. You have taught me by example all of the important life lessons, and I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.
Woman's See Through Style Leaves Little to Imagination
DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with "Barbie" for about six months. She's everything I ever wanted in a mate. We have a similar sense of humor, and our goals and ambitions are almost identical. Our values match, too -- except for one: My sense of propriety seems to be a stumbling block.
Abby, Barbie wears sheer tops and no bra. She doesn't usually wear any undergarments, either, even when she's in a fairly short skirt.
I grew up Southern Baptist, raised around women who feel that kind of attire is unacceptable and trashy. While the female body is, to me, one of the most beautiful things on Earth, I was brought up to believe that leaving something to the imagination is more desirable than showing everything. Barbie says I've got hang-ups, and I don't necessarily disagree. How can I deal with this? -- TRYING TO LOOSEN UP IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR TRYING: While you didn't mention it specifically, it appears you live far from your family and no longer attend church regularly -- because you do not seem to be taking into account what kind of impression Barbie is going to make when she is exposed to them.
Barbie may be a lovely woman, but she needs to understand that there are other ways to attract attention than the way she's going about it, and if you are seriously considering a future with her, you will try harder to get that message across. If she cares about you, she will compromise. That's how you "deal with it."
DEAR ABBY: Millions of baby boomers are caring for, or offering moral support to, parents or other seniors. It is sometimes hard to find the time and motivation to go and visit, and challenging to hold conversations.
May I offer a suggestion to them? This is what I did for my sweet father-in-law when he was in his late 80s and newly widowed. Rather than visit him at his home, I would pick him up and take him for rides. I made it a "sentimental journey," driving him around to his former homes, places of employment, schools the kids attended, churches where marriages were held.
He loved it. It not only gave him a chance to see old landmarks, but also how things were changing in the towns. It led to some wonderful discussions. I know for sure that long-term memories outlive short-term ones. -- JERI IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.
DEAR JERI: Your suggestion is an excellent one, and you are sweet to share it with my readers. Your statement about long-term memory is true -- and another effective way to stimulate it is through music. A gift older relatives might enjoy would be discs or tapes of popular music from the '40s and '50s. That, too, should lead to some interesting topics of conversation.
DEAR ABBY: When inviting someone to a famous restaurant for a birthday celebration, is it appropriate to mention its dress code? One family member took it as an insult and that I was implying she doesn't know how to dress appropriately. (She always looks lovely when she goes out.) Because of it, she refused to attend the party, and it has caused an uncomfortable rift in the family. -- NO OFFENSE INTENDED IN MISSOURI
DEAR NO OFFENSE INTENDED: Sometimes it isn't what you say, but the way it is phrased that can offend someone. From my perspective, warning a guest in advance that a restaurant has a strict dress code is doing the person a favor. While few establishments have one anymore, this could prevent confusion or embarrassment when the group arrives.
However, because your relative felt insulted, in the interest of family harmony, extend an apology. If she doesn't accept it, the problem then becomes hers.