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Friends Opt Out of Couple's Spouse Swapping Parties
DEAR ABBY: Our friends "Andy" and "Corinne" live out of state in Michigan. We visit them about twice a year. Our visits are planned weeks in advance. The last three times, on Saturday night they hosted a "swingers party."
The first time it happened we thought it was a joke, until the guests -- after "tossing back a few" -- started picking partners. We saw them begin to caress one another, then start going into other rooms and outside. One of the attendees came on to my wife. We informed him we're not swingers. His response? He told us it was OK to "watch" the first time or two.
Abby, we're not prudes, but we feel uncomfortable visiting these friends. We now return to our bedroom when the swingers arrive. In contrast, when Andy and Corinne come to visit us in Tennessee, we have dinner, play cards and go to church on Sunday.
We have spoken to them about this. They tell us they "keep their relationship fresh" this way. We don't want to lose them as friends, but we don't know what to do. Can you help? -- SATISFIED WITH EACH OTHER
DEAR SATISFIED: I'll try. Because you like Andy and Corinne every other day of the week when you visit them, schedule an outside activity -- dinner and a movie, a play -- anything that will get you out of their den of iniquity on Saturday night. Either that, or leave for home on Friday.
DEAR ABBY: After 13 years of marriage, my wife has stopped wearing her wedding rings. First she said her fingers had shrunk and her rings kept falling off. Then she claimed that the "golf club had bent them." Now she refuses to wear them out of spite because I told her the rings are a sign of commitment, and I feel she's "advertising" that she's not married.
Am I reading too much into this? In many ways she is still a dutiful wife, but this ring thing is becoming an issue. Any pearls of wisdom? -- FEELING INSECURE IN MIDWAY, GA.
DEAR FEELING INSECURE: Your problem isn't the "ring thing." It's that your wife is lying to you and acting out of spite. It is very important that you quickly get to the root of what's really bothering her because the rings are only a symptom of an underlying problem.
DEAR ABBY: My wife leaves knives lying around our house -- and not just on countertops. She also leaves the dishwasher wide open and then goes to take a shower.
We have a 4-year-old son who is curious about everything. I have tried to no avail to get her to understand that what she's doing is dangerous, but it turns into a fight, or she says I'm scolding her and treating her like a child.
Please help. I don't want anything to happen to our son, and I can't seem to get my wife to pay attention. -- WORRIED SICK, RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR WORRIED SICK: She may be careless, or she may have some kind of disorder. Your wife really should be evaluated to determine what's going on. If she resists the suggestion, please remind her that if her child is hurt by a sharp object left lying around or within his reach, he will probably need to be taken to the emergency room. And the doctors there will be required to report his injury to the authorities -- even if it doesn't kill him or maim him for life.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Embarrassed in Ohio" (May 28), who lives in an affluent suburb and is ashamed for her daughter's friends to see her house and cars, hit home with me. We also live in a community where we can't keep up. We're in an apartment, while most of my children's friends live in beautiful homes with big yards. My husband and I both grew up with more than what we're able to provide our children.
Abby, your response made some excellent points, but I don't think you fully understand what it's like to live this way. We're the underdogs in a snooty community. Re-evaluating priorities and working on self-esteem are important. But they do not negate how we feel when our kids ask, "Why don't we have a yard like everyone else?" Or when the PTA moms snub us because of where we live.
I am thankful for my life, my loving husband and my beautiful, healthy children. I left a career to be a stay-at-home mom. The house a person lives in shouldn't matter, but the unfortunate reality is that, in our society, it does. -- "GETS IT" IN THE 'BURBS
DEAR GETS IT: I appreciate your sincere comments. The response to "Embarrassed's" letter was varied, and many of the writers expressed different views from yours. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a nice, middle-class neighborhood. My best friend, her three siblings and their single mom lived in a "dumpy" little house in a poor section of town. Abby, I LOVED going there and experiencing the feeling of family they gave me.
I had some of the best times of my life in that tiny house. There was always home-cooked food, warm conversation, and I was always welcome. As a young teen, I felt my opinions were valued there. Frankly, it was more of a home than my own house was. -- HALLY IN LONG BEACH
DEAR ABBY: We were the poor folks in the rich part of town. But do you know where all the neighbor kids wanted to play? At our house. My friends were jealous because I had parents who were there to talk to us and supervise. Our birthday parties didn't have clowns, ponies or caterers, but everyone loved our homemade cake, hot dogs, balloons and backyard games.
We had fun, and no one had to worry about what others thought. Sure, there were some snobs. But their kids wanted to be our friends. "Embarrassed" should relax, enjoy her family and stop worrying so much about appearances. Appearances can be deceiving. -- POORER, BUT RICHER
DEAR ABBY: My husband, children and I are fortunate to have a beautiful home and luxury cars. "Embarrassed" should know that many of us do not judge others by their material possessions, but rather for who they are inside. I encourage my kids to go to any of their friends' homes, as long as there is responsible adult supervision and similar values.
"Embarrassed": Show pride in what you have and keep things clean and tidy. If there's an issue with some of the other parents, then why associate with elitist snobs? -- MARIE IN OREGON
DEAR ABBY: I also began to feel discontented with my home and "things." Then I volunteered at a soup kitchen. It changed my attitude to one of gratitude. I suggest that "Embarrassed" donate some time to help those less fortunate. It'll do wonders for her perspective. -- LOVES LIFE IN COPAKE, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: We raised five children on my husband's salary as a teacher and lived in an upscale community. One day, when my 8-year-old had a friend over, I began to wash the kitchen floor. The little girl stood there watching with interest and said, "Our maid does that!" I replied, "Honey, I AM the maid!" It never hurts to give someone a reality check. -- MARILYN IN GROSSE POINTE
Woman Is Shocked to Discover an Old Friend Dumpster Diving
DEAR ABBY: I live in a major metropolitan area, so I am not unfamiliar with the sight of people who are down and out and living on the streets.
Recently, while walking to work, I came face-to-face with an old acquaintance. We had dated briefly more than 10 years ago, but parted amicably. Abby, he had a shopping cart containing his belongings and was going through a trash bin and yelling at passers-by! I didn't know what to do.
I pretended I didn't see him and continued on my way. I am barely scraping by, but probably could have offered him a few dollars. He knows where I live and work, and to be honest, I was frightened by his appearance. Now I feel guilty for not offering support. What would you have done? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN THE CITY
DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: If I had been caught flat-footed (literally) as you were, I probably would have reacted the same way you did. But after having a short while to think about it, I would have realized that homeless individuals who yell at passers-by are usually mentally ill people who have gone off their meds. What your old friend needs far more than a handout is to get into a program that will help him get off the streets and medicated back to reality.
If you know any members of his family, contact them and tell them you have seen him. Many street people have lost touch with their loved ones, and their families do not know how to find them. If that's not possible, check your phone book for shelters or other programs that reach out to and provide help for mentally ill homeless people. You are lucky you live in a large city where resources are available.
DEAR ABBY: One of my relatives' driver's license was suspended, and she has little hope of getting it back. This person drives on a regular basis, as much if not more often than I do, usually with her children.
My problem is she offers rides to my children. I refuse her offers because I'm not comfortable with her driving them under these circumstances.
This has created tension because she doesn't view her driving as a problem. I have not explained the circumstances to my children because I don't think they'd understand the legal issues.
Could you please tell me what would happen to my children if they were with her and she was pulled over? -- UNDER PRESSURE OUT EAST
DEAR UNDER PRESSURE: According to my local police department, if your children are in the car when your relative is stopped, the police will try to contact you by phone. If they're unable to locate you or the children's father, your children would then be taken to the police department. If you are still unreachable, child protective services would be called.
It is your responsibility as a mother to ensure your children's safety -- and in this case that means you should NEVER allow them in a vehicle with a driver whose license has been suspended. As to their being too young to understand, if they don't understand the phrase "because you could be badly hurt," then "because I'm your mother and I SAID so!" will have to suffice.