DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Ted," a widower, for two years. Ted has two daughters in their 20s. One is a college student; the other is a professional woman. Both girls still live at home. The problem in our relationship is that Ted allows them to dictate what he can and cannot do.
I have been patient and understanding about the situation. Ted's wife died three years ago, at age 50. The family was close. I feel Ted is leading two lives -- one I am not a part of, which includes his friends, and our life, which includes my friends and family. Ted comes to my place and gets along with my 20-something sons with ease, but when I suggest going to his house, he refuses. He says his girls want nothing to do with me and tell him I'm not welcome.
His daughters have attempted more than once to sabotage our relationship, but I continue to be patient. Ted has said the girls need counseling, but they refuse. I suggested he go and then they could join him. Abby, how can a parent make adult children realize he needs to move on and live a happy, healthy life? -- BIDING MY TIME IN ROCHESTER
DEAR BIDING: Ted will not be able to convince his daughters until he accepts that reality himself and makes clear to them that he expects his friends to be treated with the same respect and good manners he treats theirs. However, what I find troubling about your situation is that he has never introduced you to any of his friends, either.
I agree that Ted appears to be living two lives. I also agree that he could benefit from counseling. But the question you should be asking yourself -- not me -- is how long you intend to tolerate the status quo.