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Wife Threatens to Spill Secret in Midst of Couple's Divorce
DEAR ABBY: I am 45 and currently going through a divorce. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I have a 14-year-old daughter, "Gina," and I have custody.
Fourteen years ago, when my wife became pregnant with Gina, we had talked about abortion. We even had an appointment scheduled, but on the day of the appointment we decided not to go through with it. I thank God that we did have our child.
Gina knows nothing about any of this, but my future ex has threatened to tell her. My daughter is mature for her age and intelligent, but I feel the time is not right for her to know. Given the situation, I feel she should hear it from me because of the close relationship we have.
Do you agree that the news should wait until the divorce is final and the dust settles, or should I tell her now? -- DADDY WHO CARES
DEAR DADDY: I see no reason your daughter should ever be told that she wasn't planned for and wanted. I cannot think of one single positive thing that being given such news -- by either you or your soon-to-be ex -- would accomplish.
Your wife may be so filled with anger that she is not in her right mind right now. And if she does pour that poison in your daughter's ear, the antidote is to tell Gina that you thank God for her every day and cannot imagine life without her.
DEAR ABBY: I am in a bit of a muddle. I have had a platonic friendship with "Greg" for four years. He is married, and I have a longtime boyfriend, "Randall."
About a year ago, Greg and I crossed the line into a romantic relationship. I guess you could call it an affair. Greg was unhappy with his marriage, and I was unsettled in my relationship. The affair ended six months ago, along with Greg and my friendship.
I felt so bad about the whole thing that I confessed and apologized to Randall, who (surprisingly) is still with me. He says he loves me. I realized that Randall is very dear to me, and I have no intention of ever repeating this kind of episode again.
As for Greg, I accept that our romantic relationship is over. But I feel sad that our friendship is over, too. He never told me I can't approach him or speak to him again. I don't know how to get our friendship back, if I even can. Can you provide any suggestions? -- MUDDLED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR MUDDLED: You are taking a lot for granted. First you are assuming that Greg wants to renew the friendship. You are also assuming that his wife would ever want you in the picture again, and last, you're assuming that Randall would not feel threatened.
Because you have asked for suggestions, I'm happy to offer one: Move on.
DEAR ABBY: Some people find "pennies from heaven" -- I find dimes. My late husband once asked me whose image is on the dime, not remembering he had told me it was Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR). My husband's initials were also FDR. Knowing my darling watches over us always, I have saved every one I see and now have a box full of them. -- ELAINE IN MARYLAND
DEAR ELAINE: Here's my 10 cents worth: If the coins bring you comfort, then the next time you spot one let it serve as a warm reminder that all that glitters is not gold -- or even money. Sometimes it's a message from above.
BOSS AND HIS ASSISTANT DIFFER ON WHO DESERVES A THANK-YOU
DEAR ABBY: I work as an administrative assistant for a company in Louisville. Each year we invite several "high-level" customers to attend the Kentucky Derby. We spare no expense on this event, paying for hotels, track tickets, food, drinks, limos, etc. for three full days.
Last year, my boss told me he was "disappointed" that I had not thought of sending thank-you notes to our guests after the event. He felt we should thank them for taking time away from their personal lives to visit us.
I say that after three days of running myself silly behind the scenes, the thank-you notes should come from them. Your opinion, please. -- WHO THANKS WHO IN KENTUCKY
DEAR WHO THANKS WHO: I understand your frustration because no one wants to be taken for granted, but you are confusing business etiquette with social etiquette. Your boss isn't entertaining those people because he likes them. He is doing it so they will return the favor by doing business with his company.
So please do what he says and start writing. A form letter, individually prepared for each client, should do the trick. Each one should be a signed original expressing the sentiments your boss would like to have conveyed.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Mary" for 18 months, and I was really starting to fall for her. Things were going well until three weeks ago, when she informed me that she has a serious gambling problem. She has maxed out her credit cards and has no money left in her savings. Until this point, Mary had given me the impression that she was someone I could trust and that she was in control of her life.
I am in total shock and very upset about the fact that she has misrepresented herself to me. She said she didn't want to lose me. She says that even though we're not married, every relationship has its ups and downs, and a piece of paper should not define commitment.
Some of my friends say I should never see her again as she is manipulative. Others say continuing the relationship depends on how I feel about her. While I can forgive her, I am having a problem with the issue of trust.
Abby, given the circumstances, do you feel this is someone I can trust? My gut tells me buyer beware. -- ON THE FENCE IN NEVADA
DEAR ON THE FENCE: Has Mary made any effort to seek help for her gambling problem? If the answer is no -- and I suspect it is -- then listen to your gut. Listen to your head. And if you have any doubt that they're leading you in the right direction, listen to what your lawyer and accountant have to say about the risk of pursuing this relationship further.
DEAR ABBY: Many friends approach me for advice. I want to help them. It's in my nature to be helpful. However, there are times when I'm out of advice and just want to close the door. How can I continue to help, but also close the door without putting someone off? -- ADVISER IN INDIANA
DEAR ADVISER: Recognize that a fountain of advice must occasionally shut down for servicing and preventive maintenance. In your case, what you're trying to prevent is burnout. A friend will understand if you say, "I'd love to help, but I'm fresh out of ideas today -- let's talk about something else."
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Teenager Fears Reaching Out for Help She Knows Is Needed
DEAR ABBY: Lately when I'm upset about something, I have been snapping my wrists with rubber bands. It seemed harmless at first, better than cutting, right? But I have noticed that now I have red lines that never go away and the welts take longer to disappear, and I'm constantly having to cover them up.
I'm 15 and I'm worried that I can't stop doing it. I'm not even sure why I do it, but I'm actually more scared to stop than I am to continue. I'm embarrassed and ashamed, and I don't want to hurt my family. I know they'd be upset if they found out. I don't want to ask for help, but also, I don't want to stop. Please help me. -- MESSED UP IN MINNESOTA
DEAR MESSED UP: The first step in resolving a problem is recognizing you have one and that you need help. You have done that. I have heard from other young people that they're embarrassed, ashamed or scared to tell their parents they have a problem because they're afraid their parents will become upset or angry. This is wrong. Parents may react -- but only out of concern.
Snapping a rubber band is a technique some people use to stop a bad habit -- like smoking. You, however, appear to be using it as a way of not dealing with your emotions. The marks on your wrists may be caused because the rubber bands are so tight they are cutting off your circulation.
There is a reason you are trying to distract yourself with pain, and it's important that you find out what it is so your behavior doesn't escalate. A licensed mental health professional can help you quickly get to the root of your problem, and telling your parents what's going on is the fastest way to get that help. Please don't put it off any longer.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small public library. We love helping our patrons and receiving donations of books. However, there are a few things we'd like folks to keep in mind:
1. If the sign says "Closed," we are closed. The door may be unlocked to allow staff easy entrance, but we are not open for business.
2. We are not baby sitters. We are glad to see you and your children, and to get you started on research, but you must watch your kids and keep them under control.
3. We can accept books that are in good condition only. If the volume has been rotting in your basement or has been extensively written in, please throw it out. We cannot place defaced literature in our collection.
4. Any book checked out on your card is your responsibility. If you let your kids use your card and they return a book late, understand that you are the person liable for the fine.
5. Please leave your cell phone in the car or turn it off while using the library. Ringing phones and personal conversations are disruptive and distract the other patrons.
Thank you for helping us get the word out. -- LIBRARY LADY, ANYTOWN, U.S.A.
DEAR LIBRARY LADY: You're welcome. However, on the chance that your patrons miss reading today's column, your business hours should be clearly posted at the entrance of your building. And the rest of your rules should be printed in large block letters and hung behind the information and checkout desks where no one can miss them.