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Star Athlete's Arrogance Is Familiar High School Story
DEAR ABBY: I am a secondary school teacher and would like to comment on the letter from "Sports Dad Down South" (Feb. 9) about his teenaged, athletic star son.
That boy has an ego problem that is out of control. I see it in the classroom every day. Many successful athletes think that only the "little" people have to do class work, be on time to class and complete homework. They have the best relationships with their coaches who "intervene" on the athlete's behalf, regardless of behavior and effort -- soliciting "help" for a student who often does not deserve it.
I have watched an athlete's arrogance fed daily by those who attach the kid's value as a person to the level of his performance at that evening's game. Abby, I hope that "Sports Dad's" stellar-performing son eventually will recognize that other influences are shallow and lack the depth of his father's love. -- TEXAS TEACHER WHO KNOWS
DEAR TEACHER: Thank you for writing. I heard from many other teachers, administrators and parents -- all eager to share what they have learned in dealing with teens who are high achievers in sports. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am also the parent of a talented athlete. He was popular in high school, great in football and basketball, and was wooed to university with a scholarship in hand. The problem was, in spite of our urging to buckle down and study, he admitted to us on high school graduation night that he had cheated the whole way through. Now at 21, he has thrown away his scholarship, quit the university, and is wandering around wondering why he was never picked up by the NFL.
Somewhere in high school, amid all the accolades, our son lost touch with reality. Please advise "Sports Dad" to not give up on his son while he still has a chance, and to impress upon him how important hard work and discipline are. -- MOM IN MOURNING
DEAR ABBY: We have stressed to our college baseball star son that no matter how successful any athlete is, there will come a time when he or she retires from their beloved sport. Not everyone makes it to the pros, and not all those who do have longevity or stunning success in the sport.
Questions the youngster must consider are: (1) What will he do when he is not playing anymore? (2) How is he going to help his community and society with his talent? And most important (3) what will he do if, God forbid, he is injured?
Having an idea of what he loves besides sports is very helpful. That will help "Dad" steer him into a college and major that fit. -- BASEBALL MAMA IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR ABBY: To "Sports Dad": The fact that a 17-year-old finds your limits a problem can be a good thing, depending on how unrealistic his attitude is. His dislike of your parental positions can mean you are doing a good job. Kids really do not respect a doormat. He can have many friends, but he has only one dad. -- KATHY IN METAIRIE, LA.
DEAR ABBY: Has it occurred to "Sports Dad" to investigate the possibility that his son's behavior might be caused by steroids? -- KATE IN ATLANTA
DEAR ABBY: That father and son remind me of a saying I heard years ago: "When they are 5 years old, they have all the questions. When they are 17, they have all the answers." I've found out through the years that this isn't far from reality. -- BURL IN DALLAS, N.C.
Wife's Brutal Sense of Humor Leaves Its Mark on Marriage
DEAR ABBY: My wife thinks it's funny when she hits me. The other day I was splitting some wood and decided to take a break. I began driving golf balls into the field. She came out, grabbed the club out of my hands and whacked me in the leg with it. When I asked her why, she said, "Get back to work!" and started laughing. I was left with a large welt and a big bruise.
Another time she bought some king crab legs for dinner. When I asked her if she was serving anything else with them, she picked up a crab claw and hit me in the forehead with it. She thought it was funny. I ended up in the emergency room with three stitches.
Last night, I was trying to add up our bills on the computer. She walked in and smacked me in the chin with the keyboard. She said I should be able to do the bills on paper like a normal person.
We have been together nine years, married for three. I love her with all my heart, but I'm getting tired of her little "jokes." How can I approach her? I want her to know how I feel, but I'm afraid to offend her or make her angry. -- FRUSTRATED IN OREGON
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Why are you afraid to speak your mind? Are you afraid she'll hit you again? Your wife has a sadistic sense of humor and enjoys seeing you in pain. Unless you draw the line, she will cause you serious injury.
Regardless of how much you love her, for your own safety you should get the heck out of there. What you have described is a form of spousal abuse, and it will escalate. That's why I'm urging you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. The counselors there offer guidance to women AND men who are being abused by their spouse or partner.
Another organization, SAFE (Stop Abuse for Everyone), also assists victims of abuse regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation. Its Web site is www.safe4all.org.
DEAR ABBY: I stole a large sum of money from the company I worked for and was fired. I agreed to work out a repayment plan for all the money I owe.
Although I feel extremely lucky about the outcome, I also feel a great deal of remorse and shame for what I did. My career is probably shot to hell, my former co-workers have lost their trust in me and I can't seem to move forward with my life. I know what I did was wrong, and I am deeply sorry for it.
How do I forgive myself for what happened and get past it? I have contemplated suicide because of the pain and guilt I have experienced and for other problems in my life. -- LOST AND ASHAMED IN CHICAGO
DEAR LOST AND ASHAMED: You are going through what some people euphemistically refer to as "a rough patch." Yes, you have made some poor choices, but you are also doing the best you can to make restitution. Suicide is not the answer. Paying back the money is. Once that's done you will feel much better about yourself.
Frankly, it's time you started being a little kinder to yourself. You have beaten yourself up enough, and the last thing you need in addition is a public flogging. However, if the suicidal thoughts persist, the toll-free number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is (800) 784-2433.
Parents Are Hurt When Teen Turns Her Back on Her Family
DEAR ABBY: My only child, "Lauren," is 16. Her boyfriend, "Scott," treated her well when they first started dating a year ago. Now he talks down to her, makes fun of her and breaks up with her every other week for a few days. Lauren doesn't talk to us about these break-ups or anything else. She talks to Scott's mom and dad and believes everything they tell her.
Lauren used to be close to my sister and her kids, but now she ignores them. She would stay at Scott's 24/7 if we'd let her. She goes there even when he's not home, and has asked if she could spend the night over there. Of course, we refused.
We're not bad parents. Her friends all tell our daughter how lucky she is. Lauren has a nice car, pretty clothes and just about everything she wants. She doesn't have chores, but she holds down a part-time job for spending money.
I don't know why she allows Scott to disrespect her and why she has forsaken her family. We liked Scott and his family at first -- until they started turning our daughter against us. She'll be 18 before long, and I don't want to lose my daughter. Help! -- TROUBLED MOM IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TROUBLED MOM: Your daughter "has a nice car, pretty clothes and just about everything she wants." Nowhere in your letter did you mention discipline and accountability. "Chores" are for more than spending money. They reinforce the idea that a child is a contributing member of the family.
Your daughter is 16, thinks she's in love and has no experience. Scott's behavior is emotionally abusive, and he breaks up with her regularly because he wants some freedom. I don't know what your daughter is getting from Scott's parents -- perhaps it's "hope" that their son really is Prince Charming. (Not.)
I applaud the fact that you didn't allow your daughter to spend the night with him. There is still time for you and your husband to impose some rules in your home, and I hope you will do so. Family counseling could help to open the lines of communication, and you should get some right away.
DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers has been conducting long phone calls with her newly married daughter, who seems to be having marital troubles. The conversations are interesting and quite personal. Sometimes I feel awkward hearing all the uncomfortable details, but the calls are impossible to ignore in our quiet little office.
How do I tactfully let the offender know she's broadcasting her daughter's private life to the entire office? One would think her many personal calls would weigh upon her conscience, but she seems oblivious.
Should I send an anonymous note, let the office manager deal with it or let it go? I'm ashamed to admit it, but I can't wait to hear the next installment of "My Daughter Is Too Incompetent to Handle Her Own Life." -- HOOKED ON THE DRAMA
DEAR HOOKED: How well do you know your co-worker? If you're at all friendly, do her a favor and tell her the phone calls have become a topic of conversation in the office. If you are not close and the calls keep you from getting your work done, then say something to the office manager because what the woman is doing is unprofessional.