DEAR READERS: Among the questions I am frequently asked is, "Do you ever get letters that have been made up, and can you tell when someone has indulged in 'creative writing'?" The answer is yes, and today, in honor of April Fools' Day, I'll share a few. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My beloved mother used to sleep in the nude, rest her soul. Well, one night we were woken up by relatives at our front door. Needless to say, it gave her a massive heart attack. She thought it was OK to be nude at 81, but after getting caught that way, it was too much for her to handle, and she croaked!
I, however, still sleep in the nude and practice witchcraft in my birthday suit, too. While I was out in the woods one night, I ran smack dab into a deer. He stared me down as if he was looking at headlights. I was so embarrassed getting caught that I quickly climbed a tree.
Luckily, I had my cell phone with me, so I dialed 911, and the entire police department came to my rescue. To top it off, my picture was on the front page of the newspaper with a nice story line to go with it. Talk about embarrassing ... I'll probably never go nude again. -- NAKED WITCH IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR NAKED WITCH: What did the headline read -- "Deer Trees Em-bare-assed Witch"? Please write back and let me know. And when you do, be sure to mention where you were carrying that cell phone and whether you have recovered from the trauma.
DEAR ABBY: I was adopted by Elizabeth Taylor before she became famous. It was in the early '60s. I was 3 when I was kidnapped from her and taken to Washington, D.C., then to New York and Texas.
Now, 39 years later, while incarcerated for DUI, I recall the events of my life before I came to Texas. Now I ask to be reunited with my adopted mother, Ms. Elizabeth Taylor. I had her address years ago -- she gave it to me -- but I received a head injury and forgot about it. Please see if you can reunite us so that I can relocate to California. -- WANTS TO MOVE WEST FROM TEXAS
DEAR WANTS TO MOVE: Elizabeth Taylor has had a storied career since becoming an international star at age 12, after appearing in the film "National Velvet" in 1944. Her life has been filled with many triumphs and tragedies -- none too minute to be overlooked by the world media.
I am sure she'll be as shocked as I am to learn that she had an adopted son who was spirited away at age 3. If she is interested in learning more, she is welcome to contact me, and I will give her your information. Until then, I'm afraid you will have to pay your OWN way to California.
DEAR ABBY: I want you to know I enjoy reading your column daily. It's the only thing my cellmates and I look forward to besides the bread pudding.
My question: I'm a middle-aged, penniless federal prisoner. I am also fat and bald. What are my chances of finding true love in the "real" world?
I subscribe to all the relevant magazines to better myself -- i.e. People, US, GQ and stuff. I know I'd make a great companion because I have read how to make quiche and sew. I have also learned not to ask a woman for sex until the third date (the August 2007 edition of Bizarre magazine).
I promise not to drink every day, and I'd take Sundays off -- besides, it's NASCAR day. I promise to keep the toilet seat down and listen to a woman's needs as long as she's standing in front of the stove.
I think that once I'm released, I will make a great companion. What do you think? -- OUT IN 24 MONTHS
DEAR STILL SERVING: I'll be waiting at the gate. In the meantime, I'm signing you up for a two-year subscription to Ms. magazine -- April Fool!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)