DEAR ABBY: I want you to know I enjoy reading your column daily. It's the only thing my cellmates and I look forward to besides the bread pudding.
My question: I'm a middle-aged, penniless federal prisoner. I am also fat and bald. What are my chances of finding true love in the "real" world?
I subscribe to all the relevant magazines to better myself -- i.e. People, US, GQ and stuff. I know I'd make a great companion because I have read how to make quiche and sew. I have also learned not to ask a woman for sex until the third date (the August 2007 edition of Bizarre magazine).
I promise not to drink every day, and I'd take Sundays off -- besides, it's NASCAR day. I promise to keep the toilet seat down and listen to a woman's needs as long as she's standing in front of the stove.
I think that once I'm released, I will make a great companion. What do you think? -- OUT IN 24 MONTHS
DEAR STILL SERVING: I'll be waiting at the gate. In the meantime, I'm signing you up for a two-year subscription to Ms. magazine -- April Fool!