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Longtime Neighbor Launches Charm Offensive on Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with our next door neighbors "Henry" and "Flo" for many years. When our daughter graduated from college, I didn't think much about it when Henry gave her a bracelet. He said it was for her graduation.
After that, he began giving her other expensive items for birthdays and such. I know our daughter should not have accepted these gifts, but she thought Henry was just a nice old man. Then one day he actually asked her if she would like to go out with him some time. She told him it wouldn't be appropriate.
I feel uncomfortable around my neighbors now. Is it my business to tell Flo? I have a hunch that some of the items may have come from her jewelry box. What would you do? -- DELICATE PROBLEM IN KANSAS CITY
DEAR DELICATE PROBLEM: I would instruct my daughter to box up all of the items "Harmless Henry" gave her and return them to him, because they might be stolen property -- and were given with strings attached. And I would seriously consider mentioning to Flo to keep her eye on Henry, because he appears to be spending too much time in fantasyland.
DEAR ABBY: I have a wedding etiquette question I hope you can help me with. My fiance's best man, "Rocky," is his best friend since childhood. He's a great person, and I couldn't ask for a better friend for my future husband.
Here's the problem: Rocky happens to be a well-known celebrity. While many relatives and friends have met him, many more have not.
My fiance and I are normal people with average lives, and we know many of our guests will be star-struck at the event. We want Rocky to enjoy the day like everyone else and not be hounded by fans wanting pictures or autographs. We have spoken with him about our concerns, and we're all on the same page here.
What is the best way to handle this? Should I tell people beforehand, or just let them show up at the wedding and see what happens? Your insight would be most appreciated. -- BAFFLED BRIDE-TO-BE
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: By all means let your guests know at the time you receive their RSVPs that there will be a celebrity present at your wedding -- but that this is not a public appearance; he will be there as a member of the wedding party.
They should also be told that you and your fiance would appreciate it if guests refrain from seeking autographs or pictures. If you tell them what kind of behavior you expect from them, there will be less of a mob scene.
P.S. If "Rocky" is approached, he should have the presence of mind to point out nicely that this is YOUR day, and he would prefer to keep it that way.
DEAR ABBY: Who should greet whom first? Is it the guest walking into someone's home? Or should the host be the first to greet guest(s)?
What if you're the only one saying hello all the time? -- MARISSA IN HIGHLAND MILLS, N.Y.
DEAR MARISSA: I would think that when the host opens the door, both parties would greet each other at the same time. However, if it didn't happen, I wouldn't let it stop me from offering a cheery hello and a smile. And neither should you.
DEAR ABBY: When I was growing up, my parents had a framed poem from your column hanging on our kitchen wall. None of us kids could miss it because it was right next to the telephone. Before we moved out to start families of our own, Mom gave each of us framed copies of it to remind us of family values.
Won't you please run it again for your readers? The title of the poem was "Success." Young couples today would find it as beneficial as my parents did. It worked for my sisters and brothers and me. -- MIMI IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR MIMI: I'm glad to oblige. The poem, which was penned by Martin Buxbaum, is included in my "Keepers" booklet, which is a collection of favorite letters, poems and essays that have appeared in this column over the years. It was assembled because so many readers said the items were meaningful to them, and requested that they be compiled as a booklet. Read on:
SUCCESS
You can use most any measure
When you're speaking of success.
You can measure it in fancy home,
Expensive car or dress.
But the measure of your real success
Is the one you cannot spend.
It's the way your kids describe you
When they're talking to a friend.
The booklet is titled "Keepers" because so many Dear Abby readers kept the poems, essays and letters to re-read. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.
"Keepers" covers subjects from temptation to forgiveness, animals, children and human nature. Filled with down-to-earth nuggets of wisdom, both witty and philosophical, it's a quick and easy read, and an inexpensive, welcome gift for newlyweds, pet lovers, new parents or anyone recovering from an illness because it touches on a variety of subjects.
DEAR ABBY: My single, 40-year-old cousin, "Gail," has two teenage daughters. Four years ago she built a beautiful three-bedroom house that she has never moved into. Instead, she lives with her mother and stepdad in a rundown farmhouse where her girls share a bedroom.
Gail's mother is afraid to ask her to move out, and the rest of the family can't understand why she would allow her house to stand empty. Let me add that Gail has an annual salary of almost six figures.
What's wrong with this woman? -- PERPLEXED COUSIN IN N.Y.
DEAR PERPLEXED COUSIN: Which woman? The mother or the daughter? I suggest that you ask them that question.
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Frustrated Mom in Virginia" (Jan. 5) was on the money. There could be a wide range of reasons for her son's "shortcomings."
I can say from personal experience that it is never too late to get her son diagnosed. I am an ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) adult, whose mother mistakenly believed that being "on my case" would lessen my frequent errors. However, no matter how hard you try to learn from your mistakes, when your mind is going 100 miles an hour and thinking of 10 different things at the same time, errors are repeated.
"Frustrated's" son may appear not to care because, in part, he feels that no matter what he does, he will still fail. When I began to develop physical symptoms from the stress, my mother was told she needed to back off. I know how hard it was for my mom -- an organized person with strong attention to details -- to have a child like me who was the exact opposite.
That young man needs strategies to help improve his life, as I did. There is so much more knowledge and research than there was when I was a child. "Frustrated" should not blame herself but, like her son, she needs help, too. -- E.P. IN GARRISONVILLE, VA.
DEAR E.P.: You are among many caring readers who wanted to share their experiences with "Frustrated Mom" as a way to provide an explanation for her son's behavior. However, a psychological or neurological disorder is something that can be determined only by a physician. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am an occupational therapist, and it sounds like this young man could have Sensory Processing Disorder. It is common for people with this disorder to have difficulty grading their movements, i.e., using too much force, slamming doors instead of closing them. They also have difficulty recognizing personal space.
I suggest that the mother have her son evaluated by an occupational therapist who specializes in sensory integration. If he has SPD, their lives will change dramatically through intervention and education. -- THERAPIST IN WINTER GARDEN, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old son displays similar behavior. Asperger's syndrome is often overlooked because its symptoms can be so mild that behavior otherwise appears normal.
A common symptom is lack of personal space awareness, or the person may appear to be rude or insensitive. The lack of remorse after clumsily bumping into someone is also indicative of the emotional/social disconnect (lack of empathy) that is associated with this disorder.
The behavior can be especially frustrating because it appears the otherwise "normal" person is inconsiderate, thoughtless or unfeeling. "Frustrated" should have her son evaluated for Asperger's. -- EMPATHETIC DAD IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.
DEAR ABBY: Last year my 8-year-old son was exhibiting symptoms of ADD/ADHD -- constantly losing things, fidgeting, lack of concentration, along with a wide range of other annoying behaviors. He was hospitalized and referred to occupational therapy by a therapist who recognized his symptoms as being part of Sensory Integration Disorder.
I am happy to tell you that after almost a year of OT, we have discovered ways to make his life easier by understanding what sensory input he needs. Being able to fulfill my son's sensory needs has helped with his clumsiness, forgetfulness and lack of attention, and he no longer displays signs of ADHD. Such a simple remedy to a very troublesome problem. There is hope. -- A MOTHER IN BEND, ORE.