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Photos Posted Online Irk Woman Preferring Privacy
DEAR ABBY: I am a private person by nature and avoid doing a lot of posting on the Internet because of it. My problem is a friend I'll call "Maria," who constantly posts pictures of our outings with friends on her Web site for everyone to see.
The photos themselves are not embarrassing, I just prefer not having my face plastered all over the Internet. Most recently, Maria posted photographs from my wedding without asking me, and it really bothered me. I understand that she is an outgoing person who enjoys sharing details of her life, but I feel like my privacy has been invaded.
I am not the only person in our group that feels this way. How do we ask her to stop posting these images without offending her? -- OVEREXPOSED IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR OVEREXPOSED: You do it by telling Maria -- with a smile -- that posting your pictures on her Web site makes you uncomfortable and to please stop it.
If you don't have the courage to confront her one-on-one, then do it as a group. Should Maria "forget" and continue posting pictures you'd rather not appear online, remember to duck when she whips out her camera.
DEAR ABBY: Would you mind settling a debate? My friend Tony was born in New York. His parents moved the family to Florida when he was 6.
Tony's wife was born and raised in New York, and he says he is "from New York." She disagrees and tells him he is from Florida because he was raised there.
When someone asks, "Where are you from?" (geographically), what is the correct response? -- BORN IN JERSEY, RAISED IN FLORIDA
DEAR BORN/RAISED: What often prompts that question is a regional or a foreign accent, and some people become defensive when asked where they are from. In states like Florida, Arizona, Nevada and California the question often comes up because so many residents have moved from somewhere else.
When Tony is asked, it might be more accurate to respond, "I was born in New York and raised in Florida," and his wife should not need to correct him. (Dear Abby rule for a successful marriage: Don't start arguments over things that are inconsequential.)
DEAR ABBY: I am married for the second time and have added two boys to my three. My stepsons are great, but I do have one challenge. Their mother can sometimes be "excessive." She buys them expensive gifts for no reason, allows them to drink sugary soft drinks, etc. This is very different from how I parent my sons.
Yesterday, the younger one was showing us his wiggly tooth (his first) and said he would be taking it to his mom's house because she leaves $20 while we only give $1! So far, I have taken the grin-and-bear-it route. I'm curious as to your take on the situation. -- TOOTH FAIRY IN GAITHERSBURG, MD.
DEAR TOOTH FAIRY: Your husband's ex may feel guilty about the divorce and be using gifts to make it up to her boys, or she may be trying to one-up you. It is also possible that this is the way her mother raised her -- in a household where $20 for a lost tooth was not unusual and sugary soft drinks were a staple. So keep smiling and try not to let it get to you.
Father's Authority Wanes as Son's Popularity Grows
DEAR ABBY: My youngest son, "Trent," is 17. At a very early age it became apparent that he was a gifted athlete. Years of stellar performance in baseball and other sports have elevated him to a high social status -- and it has created a rift between us.
Trent has become unmanageable. He regards my influence, direction and discipline to be nothing more than a daily hindrance. Somewhere in the sports mania, I lost control as a father.
As his only parent (and support), I wonder how many other parents are really aware of the crushing burden and peer pressure these young people experience in the quest for athletic perfection. I have and always will support my son's goals, but I see a disassociation with reality while he revels in his status. A college scholarship is a given.
Is my issue unique? Do you have any advice for me? -- SPORTS DAD DOWN SOUTH
DEAR SPORTS DAD: As a single parent, watching his last child getting ready to leave the nest, your situation is far from unique. You have devoted the last 17 years to your son's welfare, and now that he is nearing adulthood you feel him slipping away.
There comes a point when parents have to start trusting that the values they have instilled in their offspring are deeply rooted enough to guide them in the right direction in the coming years. You cannot supervise and influence your son much more than you already have. So my advice is to keep the lines of communication open and to start letting go. Life will teach him lessons that will bring him back down to earth eventually.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 29, and my girlfriend, "Mia," is 25. We have been in a committed relationship for 10 months. A few weeks into our relationship I noticed that every time Mia was relaxing or riding in the car, she would suck her thumb. When she spends the night with me, she brings her baby blanket.
Mia used to be discreet about the thumb-sucking, but now she openly does it in front of my parents and our friends. She also sucks her thumb in front of her parents. From time to time they try to correct her, but when they do, she yells at them to "get off her back." When I mention it, she becomes upset and defensive and says she sees no reason to stop.
I care about Mia and don't want to hurt her, but friends and family have asked me about her habit. Is this just a bad habit or a sign of something else? -- LEFT WONDERING IN SEATTLE
DEAR LEFT WONDERING: Mia's thumb-sucking may be her way of relieving stress, or it could be a symptom of an underlying emotional disorder. However, if this is the way your girlfriend talks to her parents, you should recognize that it is also a sign of what you may have to look forward to in the future -- so be warned.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who leaves full bottles of liquor on her kitchen table for days at a time. She has an 8-year-old son who eats at the table. Is this good for the boy, or can it affect him in any way? I need to know if I should say something. -- RUTH IN DAYTONA BEACH
DEAR RUTH: Unless you have reason to think that your friend's son is sampling the booze, I see no reason for you to interfere. You did say they were FULL bottles of liquor, didn't you?
Couple Clashes Over Roles Played by Men and Women
DEAR ABBY: I'm a fiercely independent and headstrong woman. I have recently begun dating my childhood sweetheart, "Jess," again after 20 years. Jess is traditional and would prefer I surrender my independence and allow him to take the "man's" role. We are trying to compromise, but now another issue has come up.
My best friend, "Wendell," recently proposed to his girlfriend and asked me to be his best woman at the wedding. Of course I accepted. I'm excited about the honor he has bestowed upon me, and I will be wearing a tuxedo and stiletto heels.
Jess is totally against it. He says Wendell is treating me like I'm a man and I'm going along with it. Every time the subject comes up, Jess gets angry. He hasn't met Wendell yet, and I would love more than anything for my two special guys to get along. What am I to do? -- ON THE SPOT IN WALDORF, MD.
DEAR ON THE SPOT: Before you go much further with Jess, it is important that you clearly understand not only what he feels a "man's role" is, but also exactly what he thinks a woman's role should be. Your relationship with him would be a lot healthier if he could accept you just as you are -- and from your description of what's going on, I'm not sure he's flexible enough to do that.
It appears that Jess' thinking is firmly rooted in the 1930s. He may be a lovely person, but from my perspective, his definition of "compromise" is for you to assume the role of a female of that era. Women have come a long way since then, and I don't think assuming that role would be healthy for you.
DEAR ABBY: I have two grandsons and a new granddaughter. My daughter-in-law keeps dressing the infant in black dresses for her monthly pictures.
Abby, I can't stand to see a beautiful baby dressed in black. I have purchased lovely, colorful outfits for her at children's shops only to have her mother return them. Is this a new trend, does she have terrible taste, or am I crazy? –- FEELING BLUE IN RICHLAND, WASH.
DEAR FEELING BLUE: It's not a new trend, it isn't terrible taste, and you're not crazy. It is, however, a matter of PERSONAL taste. Black garments are available for children of all ages. When I mentioned your letter to a photographer who specializes in children's portraits, I was informed that wearing black is not typical in children's photos -- unless the parents are into Goth. Could this include your daughter-in-law?
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my sister's husband of 20 years suddenly left her for a 23-year-old girl. He is living openly with her, even though he is still married to my sister. What is most disturbing is some members of his family are openly supporting this affair.
The shock of my brother-in-law's infidelity is painful enough, but the insensitivity of these family members is unbelievable. Are those people ignorant or just plain evil? -- HURTING FOR MY SISTER
DEAR HURTING: The situation you have described is very sad. Not knowing the husband's family, I can't judge whether they are ignorant or evil. However, it's clear that in this case, blood is thicker than water -- and for whatever reason, some of the in-laws never bonded emotionally with your sister.