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Elf's Helpful Hints Ease Kids' First Visit to Santa
DEAR ABBY: It's that time of year again when parents take their kids to see Santa. As a professional Santa's helper for many years, may I offer some suggestions?
Let your children approach Santa on their own. Do not force your child to sit on Santa's lap. Santa has been seen in books and on TV, but he is now real, big and loud. That can be scary to a child. If he or she wants to stand at a distance and talk to Santa, that is OK. Sometimes just holding the child and standing next to Santa is all it takes for a child to warm up to the idea of sitting on his lap.
If your little one is upset and you want a picture with Santa, have someone else snap the photo while you stand by your child. Let Santa talk to your children while you hold their hands. Santa (if any good) will pace the visit and stop it if it's taking too long. If children are afraid, do not let Santa grab at them to put them on his lap. That will only make the problem worse.
I hope this helps to make the visit easier. -- SANTA'S HELPER IN CENTRAL ILLINOIS
DEAR SANTA'S HELPER: Ho-ho-ho! Thank you for being ABBY's helper today. I hope parents will take your sound suggestions to heart when introducing their little ones to the jolly man in the red suit.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired waitress who worked for years in a family restaurant. Many elderly people would come in alone, and I could see they were hungry for conversation as well as food, so I'd talk to them as much as possible.
As the restaurant became more crowded, I had less time to chat, so I set up a table for four and asked the seniors if they might like to sit at the "senior table." So many of the customers said yes that it turned into a table for 12!
It would be great if restaurants would set up senior tables so everyone could have a dinner partner if they wanted to visit. It's also a great way to make new friends. Now that I'm a senior myself I notice a lot of us sit alone, watching families enjoy being together. -- KATHY IN BREMERTON, WASH.
DEAR KATHY: You're a sweet and compassionate woman. A few years ago I heard about some restaurants here in Los Angeles offering a "community dining" table for singles -- but they were intended to help young singles mingle. Your idea of a table for solo seniors is a good one, and I hope restaurateurs agree and give it a try. Food tastes better when it's seasoned with good fellowship.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife recently remarried and has decided to keep my last name and hyphenate it with her new husband's. She says she's doing it "for the sake of our children."
I don't buy that for a minute, Abby. She was unfaithful many times during our marriage, and I want her to stop using my name so some dignity and honor can be restored to it.
Do you agree that she should drop my name, or does she have a right to it? -- WANTS MY NAME BACK IN MAINE
DEAR WANTS: Although I understand your anger, try to take comfort in the fact that your ex still finds prestige in the association with you. Honor and dignity will be restored to your name by the way you and the children conduct yourselves in the future.
P.S. As long as your ex is not trying to defraud anyone, she has the right to use the name you gave her. Accept it and move on.
Woman Is Hot and Bothered by Husband Who Means Well
DEAR ABBY: How do you explain to a man how uncomfortable hot flashes are? I'm a perimenopausal woman who has been married for 12 years to a sweet husband who loves to "snuggle." But when I'm having a hot flash, the last thing I want is a warm body touching me. My husband thinks I'm "mean" and that I'm one of those "freaky females."
How can I make him understand that hot flashes happen, and that it should be OK for me to ask for some space until the feeling passes? -- HOT FLASH HILDA
DEAR HILDA: Start with the basics. Tell him (if he hasn't already noticed) that when a woman experiences a hot flash, her skin suddenly feels intensely warm and she often begins to perspire -- sometimes profusely. The feeling of heat can be so strong that some women suddenly remove their jackets, and others also feel an overwhelming urge to remove their jewelry. Fortunately, the feeling usually passes within a few minutes.
If your husband doesn't get the message, then preheat your oven to 450 degrees for 15 minutes, open the door and ask him to lean in. Ladies, have you anything to add?
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 80s. For many years we used to entertain during the holidays. Now we wonder where all our former guests have disappeared to.
Our annual parties grew to include more than 80 friends. Dinner was prepared by a chef; we had a bartender and a pianist. People said they looked forward to those gatherings year after year.
We never expected anyone to entertain us in the same way, yet even being asked out for hamburgers would have been such a treat. Very few reciprocated in any way except to bring a few bottles of wine. We miss them and wonder if people realize that a simple get-together is always appreciated. -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT, SPARKS, NEV.
DEAR FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Some of the guests you entertained so beautifully may have been intimidated because it was done on such a grand scale. But if my mail is any indication, it also appears many people have "forgotten" that there is a social obligation that goes with accepting invitations, and that the guests must reciprocate with an invitation of some sort in return.
DEAR ABBY: I work at a public library and live not far from where I work. A lot of people who use the library live in my apartment building and I run into them often. These people never hesitate to stop me when I'm clearly off the clock to ask me a slew of library questions.
I confess I'm a bit of a doormat, and I'm afraid to ask them to leave me alone. Is there a way to tell those people to quit harassing me when I'm not working? I'd feel so much better about myself if I learned how. -- THE ANSWER LADY
DEAR ANSWER LADY: Look the person in the eye and say, "That may take some researching, but I'll be glad to answer that when I'm at the library. Ask me then."
However, if you can't find the courage to say this, then what you need more than an answer from an advice columnist is assertiveness training. A psychologist can give you a referral or some pointers.
DEAR ABBY: "Afraid for the Future in San Antonio, Texas" (Oct. 25), expressed concerns about having to provide care for her aging parents and in-laws. While the sentiments you conveyed were true, your answer didn't go far enough.
"Afraid's" concerns are legitimate. While ill and elderly parents may die quickly, it's also entirely possible that they won't. People are living longer and prolonging life by any means, so the problem of long-term care and the financial and emotional burdens placed on adult children are very real.
"Afraid" and her husband need to have an honest conversation with both sets of parents about the level of help they are willing to offer. They should also research resources with their state's Department on Aging and check into supportive living facilities that accept Medicare. The preparation they do in advance will go a long way toward making their parents' elder years easier for everyone. -- LAURA IN MONTGOMERY, ILL.
DEAR LAURA: You're right. Crossing one's fingers and thinking positive does not go far enough. Thank you for offering a pragmatic approach to "Afraid's" dilemma. You were among many readers who shared helpful experiences and resources. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I found a lovely assisted living facility for my parents when they were unable to care for themselves. They had a private one-bedroom apartment, and Medicaid paid for most of it. The facility had medical aides and a nurse, social activities, three meals a day plus snacks if they wished, with transportation included.
After Dad died in 2007, Mom stayed on, surrounded by friends her own age. She keeps busy with life enrichment activities. "Afraid" should check with her state's senior services for help. -- GAIL IN ASHLAND, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: It is never too late to prepare for the future. That young couple should INSIST their parents see an elder care attorney NOW. This is a serious issue, and they should not risk the future of their marriage or children because their parents were selfish or ignorant. Everyone will be better off if they make an effort to educate themselves and their parents today. -- BURDENED DAUGHTER IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: A more proactive response would have been to encourage "Afraid" to seek information on nursing and elder care options, including free-care funds through larger nursing centers. Then she and her husband should discuss their concerns, rather than ignore them. They may find greater peace once they know all the options. -- TRYING TO HELP IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ABBY: All parties need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what the financial expectations are and what will happen if their money runs out. "Afraid" and her husband should have their parents speak to a financial adviser, who can give them a realistic picture of what their life will be like unless they make provisions now. If they cannot have their parents move in with them, that fact needs to be clearly stated. -- COLLEEN IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR ABBY: My paternal grandmother lived with us while I was growing up. There were annoyances, of course, but it seemed totally natural to me. Grandma helped with us kids, making dinner and doing laundry. She always had time to read to us or do jigsaw puzzles.
When my husband's grandmother was no longer able to live on her own, she moved in with us until she passed. It was from her that I learned how to knit and how to make a pie crust from scratch. It was the most wonderful experience knowing she was happy in life. The wisdom, love and care we received from her shaped our lives. -- SATISFIED IN ST. LOUIS