Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
DEAR ABBY: On Aug. 10 you printed a letter from an aunt who was upset because her sister, the mother of a child with autism, doesn't have time to join in fundraising with her and the rest of the family. While I commend the writer and her family for raising money for autism research, that woman needs to cut her sister some slack.
Very few parents (thank goodness for them, though) have the emotional energy, not to mention time, to advocate for their child's special needs. I commend you for giving the writer of that letter the answer you did. I would challenge anyone who thinks he or she could "handle it" to walk a mile in our shoes. Our entire lives center around our children and their doctors' appointments, therapy, special schooling, adaptive equipment, etc. The last thing we need to hear is some self-righteous know-it-all putting us down for something we were hand-picked by God to do. -- SPECIAL-NEEDS MOM IN ALABAMA
DEAR MOM: I heard from the parents of many special-needs children who echoed your sentiments. And you're right -- it does take a very special parent not to crack under the stress. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two boys with special needs who are around his age, and I can assure you, that woman is already "very involved" in a way her sister cannot even begin to imagine. It is a labor of love that requires intense attention to their every action and potential need.
Perhaps "Raising Money" should spend an entire day being the primary caregiver for her nephew while trying to complete household responsibilities or work. I cannot tell you the number of times I have cried in my car out of sheer fatigue (I now carry tissue in the glove box).
The most charitable thing this aunt could do is to show up on her sister's doorstep with dinner, an offer to do the laundry, and a long, comforting hug. -- CINDY IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: No one fully understands what a parent with a child with a disability goes through from day one. First there is the emotional aspect. We grieve. It's not the kind of grieving you do after a death. This is grieving that never ends. It cycles over and over. If you're not crying, you're angry. Some days you can accept and breathe; other days you just can't. Anything can set you back, and suddenly you're sobbing again.
Not only is there the day-to-day caring for the child -- feeding, dressing, hygiene, to name a few -- but also phone calls, meetings, doctor visits, therapies. When the kids are little, many of these things aren't too bad. But as they get older, larger, stronger, it breaks the caregiver's body and spirit.
There is also the problem of not being able to get needed services. In many states, once children are out of the school system and on the waiting list for adult services, they sit and languish at home with NO services until they qualify for accommodations. In some states that can be many years. And there's no portability of services between states, so if you must relocate, you go to the bottom of that state's waiting list.
Living with that, we often can't get or hold jobs. Day care is a huge problem for us and our kids. If that woman really wants to help, she should offer respite care and get involved with the waiting list issue, which is as important as research. -- SONJA IN COLORADO
DEAR SONJA: In this time of draconian cutbacks everywhere, I hope our politicians will direct their thinking away from divisive politics and being re-elected to what must be done to help our most vulnerable citizens.
DEAR ABBY: I attended a business-related function with my boss and some co-workers. I had way too much to drink and ended up having sex with my boss. (He offered me a ride to my car and took advantage of me.) If I had been sober, it would never have happened.
Since then, my boss continues to pursue me even though I have made it clear that it was a mistake and something I truly regret. I have no interest in this man. He is married, and it sickens me every time I think about it. I am too ashamed to discuss this with anyone, but my boss won't leave me alone. Please tell me what I should do. -- EMBARRASSED IN CHICAGO
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your boss is acting like a sexual predator, and has from the beginning. If you haven't been documenting his harassment, begin to do so immediately. And if anyone has seen him put the moves on you, so much the better. You should also discuss this with an attorney, and because you are "embarrassed," make it a woman.
DEAR ABBY: My brother "Eric's" car was destroyed in a natural disaster four years ago. His insurance company paid for the loss, but he never replaced the car. For the next two years he borrowed one from another family member until she finally put a stop to it. For the last two years Eric has been using one of mine.
It started out as a temporary loan, but now he acts like I gave it to him. I still pay for its upkeep and insurance, because if I didn't, Eric wouldn't. I have offered to sell it to him for a reasonable price, but every time I mention it he comes up with an excuse.
I feel used. How do I tell my brother I want my car back without stepping on anyone's toes? We are a close family, and I'm afraid he'll hold a grudge if I tell him how I feel. He and his wife have full-time, well-paying jobs. My husband and I have two other vehicles, so I don't need the other one desperately. I just hate seeing it used and abused like this. Should I feel guilty about wanting my wheels back? -- USED UP IN THE SOUTH
DEAR USED UP: No, you shouldn't -- and your signature speaks volumes. Now pick up the phone and call your insurance agent. It is possible that because you are the legal owner of that vehicle, you could be responsible for any damage that your brother might cause while driving it.
You have been a wonderful and generous sister for having allowed him to use it for as long as he has. Because you're having trouble finding the words to tell Eric that you want him to stand on his own two feet and provide his own transportation, ask the relative who loaned him the last one to let you borrow her script.
DEAR ABBY: I am regularly invited out to eat by either of two friends, both of whom are very wealthy. I have noticed that neither one leaves a 15 percent tip. They usually leave 10 or 12 percent.
I feel uncomfortable when they don't leave a server what I consider to be the minimum appropriate tip. Would it be OK for me to add to the tip they are leaving? I don't want to offend them. Please advise. -- RED-FACED IN RICHMOND, CALIF.
DEAR RED-FACED: If you can find a way to do it discreetly, without embarrassing your host, I am sure your generosity would be appreciated by the server.
DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to the man of my dreams. Our wedding is two months away, and I couldn't be more excited about starting my life with "Jeff."
Only one thing bothers me. When the two of us eat alone together, Jeff throws his manners out the window. He kind of eats like a pig. He opens his mouth as wide as it will go and takes as big a bite as he can. Then, as he's chewing (even with his mouth closed) he makes noises. I can't get past the noises!
I know Jeff knows better because he doesn't eat like this when we're out with his parents or having dinner with friends. The first time he did it I thought he was joking. The second time, I thought he was just really hungry. Now I realize this is the way he eats. We have known each other two years, so we have had plenty of time to get acquainted.
How do I tell him his eating behavior gets under my skin? I don't want any children we have to learn these habits. Jeff has a tender heart, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. -- LOOKING ASKANCE IN TEXAS
DEAR LOOKING: You are about two years late in telling your fiance how his eating habits affect you. If you can't discuss something as basic as this, how are you going to discuss the challenging problems that will inevitably arise after the two of you are married?
You said yourself that Jeff knows better. He eats this way in front of you because he thinks you don't mind. So please level with him now -- before the wedding. It won't hurt his feelings; it will set him straight.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13, 5 feet 3, and weigh 90 pounds. I just started high school. My parents think I'm starving myself. They call me "disgusting," "horrifying," and my personal favorite -- "ugly." My brother calls me "Skinny Bones Jones."
I do not starve myself, nor am I anorexic or bulimic. I just happen to get full from small portions rather quickly -- or I may not be hungry at the moment. At night I do some quick exercises and yoga positions so I won't feel bloated from meals. Some of my friends have said they think I have become anorexic.
Because of all this my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I used to weigh more than 100 pounds, but recently I got the stomach flu, which explains my sudden weight loss and fullness. Am I wrong in thinking I'm healthy? Are my family and friends right that I'm anorexic? Please help. -- 90-POUND GIRL IN FULLERTON, CALIF.
DEAR 90-POUND GIRL: When "everyone" starts telling us something we don't want to hear, it may be time to pay attention. One sentence in your letter tells me that you may have an eating disorder -- it's your comment about needing to exercise after eating because you feel bloated.
You should be evaluated by a nurse at school, if there is one, or by a physician to be sure you're getting enough nutrients to remain healthy, that you're not overdoing the exercise, and if there could be a physical problem causing the feeling you're interpreting as "bloat."
Please share what I have said with your parents because it's important. Name-calling and ridicule are not the answer to a problem like the one you may have.