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Mothers of Young Children Need 'Time Out' to Recharge
DEAR ABBY: I am a physician and mother of a toddler who understands "New Mom in Las Vegas" (Nov. 4), the woman who is concerned because she finds playing with her 8-month-old tedious. While postpartum depression should be ruled out, it is not uncommon for an adult woman to be bored by endless hours of playing with blocks and rattles.
Raising a child is the most rewarding, loving and, yes, sometimes boring job a person can take on. Suggesting that women are good mothers only if they are constantly enthralled with children's activities sets them up for feelings of failure and inadequacy.
Getting out of the house for any activity, such as a walk or a trip to the library or store, helps relieve the tedium. Most experts urge new mothers to take personal time away from their children as a way to maintain their sense of individuality and perspective. If reading or going online recharges "Mom," it should not be considered an unhealthy escape.
A final word: The new dad should help his partner feel appreciated and practice his own parenting skills by giving her a break from child care. -- HAPPY MOM IN CHESTER, VT.
DEAR HAPPY MOM: Thank you for mentioning that fathers are an important part of the equation. "New Mom," and others like her, will appreciate your letter of support. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Every mother is different. Some of us were meant to be stay-at-home moms, others need the challenge of a career and the company of other adults. This doesn't make someone a bad mom.
Perhaps "New Mom" should consider returning to her career earlier than she had planned. Although being a working mom is a tough balancing act, it may provide her with what she needs as both a mother and as a woman. -- NEW MOM WITH A PLAN
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 75-year-old mom of four boys, all born 18 months apart. I was bored silly playing with babies, but found a way to make it work for me. I would pack up my babies and walk outside in the morning and after nap time. We walked for miles observing nature while I got some much-needed exercise. I had the healthiest babies in town and looked pretty good myself! I can't remember "playing" with my boys, but we all have fond memories of hours at the park, walking in the rain and snack time at the convenience store. -- OLD MOM IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two nearly grown girls. I never felt it was my responsibility to be their playmate. When they were babies and toddlers, they played while I pursued my interests, hobbies and chores. While I sewed, they played with fabric and ribbons. While I cooked, they played at my feet with pots, pans and spoons. While I did yard work, they played in the sandbox.
It's important for our children to see us as individuals who are more than "their" parents. Finding a playgroup is always a good idea. Seeking therapy may be necessary, too. Completely abandoning the person you were before becoming a parent is unhealthy for both parent and child. -- MARGIE IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: I enjoyed caring for my children, but there were times when I thought if I had to drive one more toy car across the carpet making car noises with my mouth, I would literally fling myself out the window. I woke up with the Barney theme song in my head and couldn't stop cutting all food into bite-size pieces. How many games of peek-a-boo can you play before you wonder if the liquor store delivers? No one prepares you for this type of job.
Things will change as her child gets older, and she can benefit from the support of other moms if she finds a playgroup. Please tell her not to feel guilty! -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT (WITHOUT ALCOHOL)
Woman Wrestles With Friends' Objections to Her Idea of Fun
DEAR ABBY: I am a female who is "over 21." I have always been a tomboy. I love to wrestle with my 200-pound boyfriend. Our struggles are vigorous, but never violent, and always end with a kiss or more.
My friends are horrified. They say I could be injured and that any man who would physically "fight" a woman is a potential wife-beater or worse.
So many people have warned me to "watch out" that now I'm beginning to wonder. To me, it's a good way to have fun and burn off calories. What's your take on this, Abby? -- LOVES TO TUSSLE IN GEORGIA
DEAR LOVES TO TUSSLE: If you are the one initiating these "fights," then I doubt that your boyfriend is a potential wife-beater or worse. (If it were the other way around, I might be concerned.) What you have described sounds more like foreplay than abuse. As long as you both enjoy it and no one becomes injured, what the two of you do is nobody's business, so keep it private.
DEAR ABBY: Have you ever received an invitation for a baby shower that states, "There will be a raffle. All proceeds will go to the family to help with the cost of raising another baby"?
Abby, this is the couple's third girl in less than four years and her third baby shower. These are planned pregnancies. The woman's husband earns $75,000 a year. Prospective guests are also instructed to go online where the baby gift registry is posted.
I am completely at a loss for words after receiving this invite. Any thoughts? -- TAKEN ABACK IN WYOMING
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: You have been fairly warned about the intent of the event. Because you are turned off, the word I am suggesting is "Regrets."
DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like I hate everything, but I don't think I'm depressed.
I hate working, but love my salary. I hate my co-workers, but realize they're probably no worse than any other workplace. Nothing excites me, nothing motivates me. I don't like anything in particular and have never known what I wanted to do with my life. I don't want to be married or have children. I often wonder what the point of living is. I feel like I'm living every day just to get to the end of life.
I'm sure I'm not alone. Please help me and others out there who seem to have lost hope. -- NOT HAPPY IN CANADA
DEAR NOT HAPPY: Whether you recognize it or not, you may be depressed. As anyone who has read this column knows, there is medical and psychiatric help for depression, which sometimes has a physical cause.
However, as I have read and re-read your letter, I am struck by the listlessness and boredom it conveys. Perhaps you would be happier if you dwelt less on yourself and the emptiness you feel, and spent some time helping people who are less fortunate than you. Leo Rosten once wrote that the purpose of life is to matter, to be productive, to have it make a difference that you lived at all -- using the talents that God has given you for the betterment of others.
Please consider what I have said because you are spending far too much time thinking about what you're missing, and frankly may need a verbal kick in the fanny.
YOUNG WORKERS MUST LEARN HOW TO 'DRESS FOR SUCCESS'
DEAR ABBY: You're in a position to do young people a great service by educating a generation that has grown up in a casual-dress world that there's a line between how one dresses in one's personal life and how one dresses for work. Cross it, and it could negatively affect your career.
I work for a large multinational company, and I am often shocked at the way people dress. Although there are clear business/casual guidelines, these lines are crossed by men and women alike. Talks behind closed doors have no effect. Sending out the corporate dress code to the staff has yielded no change in behavior.
I finally consulted the HR department and came up with an approved solution. The dress code was again sent out to all employees in my department, with the warning that the next violation would mean being sent home and deducting the time as a vacation day.
Sure enough, "Disco Dolly" showed up in a sheer, low-cut, sleeveless blouse with a micro-mini skirt and strappy sandals. When I sent her home, she complained that she was saving her vacation days. I told her she had violated the company's dress code -- again.
I also pointed out that her chances of promotion were now compromised thanks to the demonstration she had given that following simple instructions was beyond her capabilities. If you want to be regarded as a serious professional, dress like one! Some "suggestions":
1. DRESS FOR SUCCESS, not sex. Women should not dress like streetwalkers. Leave the sexy, short, filmy dresses, cleavage-baring blouses and spaghetti straps for your personal life. This is an office, not a cocktail party.
2. COVER UP. No sandals or designer flip-flops. We don't want to see your pedicure, your toe rings, the crust on your heels, or smell your feet.
3. MAKE IT FIT. Anything that hugs the body too tightly is not right for the office. We have a woman working here who looks like a sausage stuffed in a floral polyester casing. It's hard to take her seriously. The same goes for a man whose pants are so tight that you can tell his religion. Ditto for pants that are so loose and low-slung you can see his underwear or her thong.
4. DON'T POLLUTE. By this I mean go easy on the fragrance. Some people have breathing problems and allergies. Do not pollute the office with a scent that arrives 10 minutes before you do and lingers hours after you've gone. This applies to men as well as women.
5. BATHE. There seems to be a new "natural" cult popping up whose adherents believe that washing removes vital oils from the skin and should be avoided. This phenomenon is more often, but not always, a male habit. Anyone in close contact with others should bathe or shower DAILY. -- TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS IN FLORIDA
DEAR TRYING: I'm willing to wager that your letter will be posted on millions of bulletin boards in the business world. Your "suggestions" make good sense. While many companies allow employees to dress down on "casual Fridays," any business that wants the people it hires to be taken seriously should impress upon them that they must present themselves in a professional manner. Some companies do this in the form of an employee manual that lays it out in black and white. Because your directive was ignored, you were right to let "Disco Dolly" know there would be a penalty for noncompliance.
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