DEAR ABBY: I am a woman living with a man, but "in love" with another man whom I formerly dated but broke up with because he's an alcoholic. "Spike" is a true biker -- exciting, funny and fun. Our lifestyles didn't mesh, so I made the decision we shouldn't be together. I miss him very much, and it keeps me from being totally committed in my head to the man I live with.
I believe I have commitment problems. I am a psychiatric nurse with 30 years' experience, so I've heard it all and know what I should do, but the issue remains. My boyfriend, "Cal," is a hard-working man with little education who earns very little and cannot help support me. We met when I weighed 300 pounds and had low self-esteem. Still, Cal loved me as I was.
I am a post-gastric bypass patient. I now realize that our lives are very different, and I'm having a hard time accepting that we are meant to be married. I hate the thought of not doing the "right thing" by Cal. I have been faithful. When will I grow up and be able to make the right decision, Abby? -- CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFLICTED: If you think that "doing the right thing" by someone is to marry him knowing that he isn't right for you, please let me point out that to do so would be a huge mistake. From what you have written, it is clear to me that you have involved yourself with two men who are not suitable for you -- and for the reasons you stated.
While you may be in the mental health profession, it is important that you find a mental health professional who can help you come to terms with the person you have gone through so much to become. I predict that after you do, you will begin making sounder decisions about many things, including whom you want to spend the rest of your life with.