To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Family Battling Illness Must Learn to Wash Their Hands
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law, "Carol," doesn't wash her hands after changing diapers. I find it repulsive, and I can't help but cringe. I have also noticed that her kids don't wash their hands after using the bathroom -- or any other time, for that matter -- unless instructed to do so and closely watched. Even then, they don't use soap.
Carol wonders why her family is always sick. If I say anything to her, I'm sure she'll become defensive or dismiss it as the cause of their illness. Is there a polite, yet firm, way to say something? -- INCREASINGLY GERMOPHOBIC, KENOSHA, WIS.
DEAR GERMOPHOBIC: The idea that Carol would change a diaper and then prepare meals for the family is, frankly, nauseating.
Sometimes there is no polite way to say something, so my advice is to be direct. There is a reason why hospitals constantly impress upon their staff the importance of washing their hands. Years ago, my mother described a poster she saw in the halls of a major hospital. It depicted a silhouette of two outstretched hands, fingers apart. The caption read, "The 10 most frequent causes of disease. Remember to wash your hands." Repeat this to your sister-in-law, and maybe she'll get the message.
DEAR ABBY: I'm the unofficial event planner in my office. I am the one who makes sure people's birthdays are celebrated and comes up with occasional fun events like potlucks. Sometimes I buy everyone pizza (on the company) to keep morale up. I am not management, but I think doing this is important.
Last week my birthday came and went. Abby, not one person remembered! A co-worker from another department got me a card, but no one in my area even mentioned it. I am so bummed.
I remember everyone's birthday and make a big deal out of it with cakes and candles. I'm hurt that they forgot mine. It makes me want to stop being the party planner and do away with birthday celebrations altogether. Is this childish? Or should I just get over it and keep on keeping on? -- CRUSHED IN OHIO
DEAR CRUSHED: You wouldn't be human if being overlooked didn't "smart." However, it's possible that because you have assumed the responsibility of arranging the birthday recognition, that everyone depends on you to let them know when one is coming up.
Because this can be awkward when the birthday being celebrated is your own, in the future, why not post a monthly calendar in your office with the various birthdays written in -- including yours? Also, because you were forgotten this year, tell someone besides me! Guilt can work miracles.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has a checking account with his daughter-in-law. I have told him that I don't like it and feel that it is disrespectful, but he refuses to change it. We do not have a joint account. How should I take this? -- MISTREATED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR MISTREATED: This is hardly a vote of confidence in your fiscal responsibility. I'm sorry you didn't elaborate further on the financial arrangements in your marriage. I, too, wonder why he would want his daughter-in-law to have access to his money while keeping it out of your reach.
However, because you signed your letter "Mistreated," it appears you have more problems in your relationship than money, and perhaps if you work those out, the money issue will resolve itself.
Son's at a Loss to Handle Dad's Threats of Suicide
DEAR ABBY: My father and I usually get along well, but whenever we get into an argument, he'll say something like, "Well, maybe I should just kill myself. Then you won't have to deal with me!" This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I'm 21 now.
Abby, I don't think my dad is really suicidal. I think he says these things to make me feel guilty. It's hurtful because suicide is a serious matter, and I always have to ask myself, "What if?"
Telling him to stop just results in more emotional blackmail. He has also refused to see a counselor. I could really use some advice. -- CAN'T WIN IN NEW YORK
DEAR CAN'T WIN: I agree with you that threats of suicide are a serious matter. And I have long said in this column that repeated threats of suicide should not be ignored. The next time your father starts talking about suicide, ask him if he is really serious. And, if he says he is, call 9-1-1. He may need 72 hours of observation.
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to the letter from "Needs to Know Now in Virginia" (Aug. 4)? I, too, spent time behind bars -- 14 months. My soon-to-be ex sent me a card on our 20th anniversary, a month after I was incarcerated, promising he'd be there for me when I got out. After months of denying there was anyone else, I finally found out the truth. She was not only accepted by his family, but also my kids.
When I fell into a deep depression and tried to commit suicide, my husband told everyone it was just an act. That was 11 months ago.
Today I believe everything happens for a reason, because during most of our marriage my husband had tried to control me and verbally abused me. He'd tell me I was a horrible mother and wife, that my own family hated me and I had no friends. After a while, I started to believe him and had little or no self-esteem. While incarcerated, I took classes and learned that verbal abuse is as bad, if not worse, than physical. The scars heal, but the words kept playing over and over like a tape in my head.
One thing I learned in the classes is you can't change someone else; you can only change yourself. To this day he continues to verbally abuse me. Last week he said he hopes I have cancer and die. But the words don't hurt anymore. The only hurt I suffer is that he has convinced our children that I was a bad mother, so they no longer speak to me. They have welcomed her into their lives.
I have learned to accept that my children want nothing to do with me, but pray that someday they will return to my life. I have met a caring man who knows all about my past and loves me for who I am. I am now grateful to the other woman. She saved me from a miserable marriage, and I know one day he'll do to her what he did to me.
So, my advice to "Needs to Know" is to run away as fast as she can because the man she's involved with is no man. A real man would stand by his wife for better and for worse. -- HAPPY NOW IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR HAPPY: As difficult as your life has been, I'm pleased to know that you are now in a better place emotionally. Clearly, the time you spent behind bars was not wasted. You did some extremely important work while you were inside, and I know you will put to good use the knowledge you gained while you were there. You go, girl. I wish you the best of luck.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Bride's Mother Is Appalled by Tacky Wedding Tradition
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who is being married in three months, mentioned to me that her fiance's friends have a tradition of covering the newlyweds' car with condoms. Whatever happened to tin cans and a "Just Married" sign?
I'm no prude, but I'm appalled at the tackiness of it. There will be grandmothers and children attending the wedding. My daughter agrees that it's poor taste, but doesn't think there is anything she can do about it. Should I stay out of it, or go clean off the car myself during the reception? -- TEXAS BRIDAL MOM
DEAR BRIDAL MOM: Condoms on the car? Why, that's almost as much of a thigh-slapper as short-sheeting the bed in the honeymoon suite or trashing it entirely. Of course it's juvenile and in bad taste, but boys will be boys, and this is the element with whom your soon-to-be son-in-law associates. By the time your daughter goes to the car, she'll be a married woman. My advice is to stay out of it and let her fight her own battles.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Kim," and I have been married three years and have 14-month-old twin daughters. We have a beautiful life together with one exception -- my father. He thinks he knows everything and isn't afraid to give his opinion. He also makes silly comments to the twins such as, "If your mommy doesn't treat you right, then you can come live with Grandpa."
Kim is an excellent wife and mother. She takes my father's comments personally, even though I tell her he's just being goofy. She bristles every time my parents come over for a visit. When they do, she leaves the room. She rolls her eyes and has flat-out told me she can't stand my father.
What can we do? I love my father and am extremely close to both my parents. This has caused several fights between Kim and me. I say it's no big deal, but she REALLY resents my father. What do you think? -- PEACEMAKER IN COLORADO
DEAR PEACEMAKER: I wonder what your father may have said to your wife that has caused her to react to him so negatively. I recommend family counseling, and the sooner the better. The fact that Kim dislikes your overbearing father to the point that she can't be in the same room with him, and overreacts when he makes comments to the babies -- which I agree are goofy -- IS a "big deal."
DEAR ABBY: When I was 23, single and living at home with a manipulative mother, I became pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. At her urging and because I lacked self-confidence, I gave my son up for adoption. Several years later, I married and had two children who are now 29 and 33.
Recently I have been thinking about telling my children about their half-brother in a letter to be opened after my death. I have reservations about telling them at all, yet I feel they have a right to know. What is your advice? -- MOTHER WITH A SECRET
DEAR MOTHER: I see no reason not to reveal your secret to your adult children. If you prefer to do so in a letter after your death, that's your privilege. However, they will have questions that you will no longer be around to answer. So when you write that letter, I strongly suggest that you give them all the information you can so they'll be able to start a search if they wish.
P.S. If your son should show up searching for you somewhere down the line, that way they won't be shocked, and they will be able to provide the answers their half-brother is looking for.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)