To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Son's at a Loss to Handle Dad's Threats of Suicide
DEAR ABBY: My father and I usually get along well, but whenever we get into an argument, he'll say something like, "Well, maybe I should just kill myself. Then you won't have to deal with me!" This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I'm 21 now.
Abby, I don't think my dad is really suicidal. I think he says these things to make me feel guilty. It's hurtful because suicide is a serious matter, and I always have to ask myself, "What if?"
Telling him to stop just results in more emotional blackmail. He has also refused to see a counselor. I could really use some advice. -- CAN'T WIN IN NEW YORK
DEAR CAN'T WIN: I agree with you that threats of suicide are a serious matter. And I have long said in this column that repeated threats of suicide should not be ignored. The next time your father starts talking about suicide, ask him if he is really serious. And, if he says he is, call 9-1-1. He may need 72 hours of observation.
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to the letter from "Needs to Know Now in Virginia" (Aug. 4)? I, too, spent time behind bars -- 14 months. My soon-to-be ex sent me a card on our 20th anniversary, a month after I was incarcerated, promising he'd be there for me when I got out. After months of denying there was anyone else, I finally found out the truth. She was not only accepted by his family, but also my kids.
When I fell into a deep depression and tried to commit suicide, my husband told everyone it was just an act. That was 11 months ago.
Today I believe everything happens for a reason, because during most of our marriage my husband had tried to control me and verbally abused me. He'd tell me I was a horrible mother and wife, that my own family hated me and I had no friends. After a while, I started to believe him and had little or no self-esteem. While incarcerated, I took classes and learned that verbal abuse is as bad, if not worse, than physical. The scars heal, but the words kept playing over and over like a tape in my head.
One thing I learned in the classes is you can't change someone else; you can only change yourself. To this day he continues to verbally abuse me. Last week he said he hopes I have cancer and die. But the words don't hurt anymore. The only hurt I suffer is that he has convinced our children that I was a bad mother, so they no longer speak to me. They have welcomed her into their lives.
I have learned to accept that my children want nothing to do with me, but pray that someday they will return to my life. I have met a caring man who knows all about my past and loves me for who I am. I am now grateful to the other woman. She saved me from a miserable marriage, and I know one day he'll do to her what he did to me.
So, my advice to "Needs to Know" is to run away as fast as she can because the man she's involved with is no man. A real man would stand by his wife for better and for worse. -- HAPPY NOW IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR HAPPY: As difficult as your life has been, I'm pleased to know that you are now in a better place emotionally. Clearly, the time you spent behind bars was not wasted. You did some extremely important work while you were inside, and I know you will put to good use the knowledge you gained while you were there. You go, girl. I wish you the best of luck.
Bride's Mother Is Appalled by Tacky Wedding Tradition
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who is being married in three months, mentioned to me that her fiance's friends have a tradition of covering the newlyweds' car with condoms. Whatever happened to tin cans and a "Just Married" sign?
I'm no prude, but I'm appalled at the tackiness of it. There will be grandmothers and children attending the wedding. My daughter agrees that it's poor taste, but doesn't think there is anything she can do about it. Should I stay out of it, or go clean off the car myself during the reception? -- TEXAS BRIDAL MOM
DEAR BRIDAL MOM: Condoms on the car? Why, that's almost as much of a thigh-slapper as short-sheeting the bed in the honeymoon suite or trashing it entirely. Of course it's juvenile and in bad taste, but boys will be boys, and this is the element with whom your soon-to-be son-in-law associates. By the time your daughter goes to the car, she'll be a married woman. My advice is to stay out of it and let her fight her own battles.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Kim," and I have been married three years and have 14-month-old twin daughters. We have a beautiful life together with one exception -- my father. He thinks he knows everything and isn't afraid to give his opinion. He also makes silly comments to the twins such as, "If your mommy doesn't treat you right, then you can come live with Grandpa."
Kim is an excellent wife and mother. She takes my father's comments personally, even though I tell her he's just being goofy. She bristles every time my parents come over for a visit. When they do, she leaves the room. She rolls her eyes and has flat-out told me she can't stand my father.
What can we do? I love my father and am extremely close to both my parents. This has caused several fights between Kim and me. I say it's no big deal, but she REALLY resents my father. What do you think? -- PEACEMAKER IN COLORADO
DEAR PEACEMAKER: I wonder what your father may have said to your wife that has caused her to react to him so negatively. I recommend family counseling, and the sooner the better. The fact that Kim dislikes your overbearing father to the point that she can't be in the same room with him, and overreacts when he makes comments to the babies -- which I agree are goofy -- IS a "big deal."
DEAR ABBY: When I was 23, single and living at home with a manipulative mother, I became pregnant and gave birth to a baby boy. At her urging and because I lacked self-confidence, I gave my son up for adoption. Several years later, I married and had two children who are now 29 and 33.
Recently I have been thinking about telling my children about their half-brother in a letter to be opened after my death. I have reservations about telling them at all, yet I feel they have a right to know. What is your advice? -- MOTHER WITH A SECRET
DEAR MOTHER: I see no reason not to reveal your secret to your adult children. If you prefer to do so in a letter after your death, that's your privilege. However, they will have questions that you will no longer be around to answer. So when you write that letter, I strongly suggest that you give them all the information you can so they'll be able to start a search if they wish.
P.S. If your son should show up searching for you somewhere down the line, that way they won't be shocked, and they will be able to provide the answers their half-brother is looking for.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Loving Neighbors Stand in for Grandparents Far Away
DEAR ABBY: "Nobody's Grandma" (June 12) is sad about her children's desire to remain childless. I would encourage her to seek out a family in her neighborhood, church or other shared connections who live far from family or have no grandparents.
I lived far from both sets of grandparents when I was young. An older couple who lived next door "adopted" us. They invited my siblings and me over to bake cookies and play cards, and filled the grandparent void in our young lives. In turn, we looked out for them and included them in our family events.
They were dear, special people to whom I remain indebted for their love and kindness. My children now play with the handcrafted toys from "Grandpa's" workshop, and I still make "Grandma's" wonderful angel food cake. -- AN ADOPTED GRANDCHILD IN WAYNESVILLE, OHIO
DEAR GRANDCHILD: Your experience with your adopted grandparents exemplifies my advice to "Nobody's Grandma." While many of my readers agreed with me, a few offered a different perspective. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The offspring of "Nobody's Grandma" should be congratulated on their decision. Worldwide food shortages, poverty, pollution, global warming and religious bigotry against birth control have resulted in the greatest crisis facing the world today -- overpopulation. -- AN 83-YEAR-OLD "OPA"
DEAR ABBY: Have you heard of the Foster Grandparent Program? It's a federal program for people 60 years old and over. We work with children who need a little extra help in schools or in other areas where needed. The children I "foster" say I'm more like a grandma to them than some of their own grandmothers. I love and nurture them like my own -- and I have 26 grandchildren and 13 great-grandchildren. -- GRANDMA ANITA
DEAR ABBY: I sympathize with "Nobody's Grandma." I will probably never have grandchildren either because my only child has developmental disabilities. Sometimes I feel cheated, but I have learned it is better to appreciate what you have and to accept what you can't change. -- C.T. IN HAWAII
DEAR ABBY: Although my wife and I are blessed with nine biological grandkids, with No. 10 on the way, about a dozen or more children call us "Grandma" and "Grandpa." While our kids were growing up, we tended to informally collect other kids from less-than-happy homes who called us Mom and Dad. These young folks grew up and had children of their own who consider us their grandparents.
Look around your community. There are many children who desperately need grandparents to love and be loved by. Your life, as well as theirs, will be greatly enriched. -- EVERYBODY'S GRANDPA
DEAR ABBY: When I was born, "Aunt Sarah," a semi-retired colleague of Mom's, offered to baby-sit once a week to give my mom a chance to run errands. Aunt Sarah became an adopted grandmother to my brothers and me. She would play games with us, take us to fast-food restaurants, and to a playground afterward to burn off our burgers and fries. She always made sure we were well-dressed and even gave us money for college.
Aunt Sarah passed away a few months ago, but I'm fortunate to have had her in my life for 26 years. I hope "Nobody's Grandma" will take your suggestion to heart. She and her husband could have a great impact on the lives of some very lucky children. -- SARAH'S GRANDDAUGHTER
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Ramadan is beginning -- may your fast be an easy one!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)