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HUSBAND CONSUMED BY REGRET AFTER DEATH OF BELOVED WIFE
DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my wife to a long illness. When she could no longer work, I tried to give her the best quality of life I could. It took a toll. I worked long hours to give her everything she needed. The medical bills were astronomical. All she ever wanted was me.
I was always the macho type, and "I love you" was always hard for me to say. (I'm a real tough guy.) Well, this tough guy would give anything for one more chance to say it.
She died so suddenly, it was like it wasn't real. For the first couple of weeks I threw myself into work and thought I could handle it. When the death certificate arrived in the mail, that's when I fell apart.
I feel guilty because I was gone so much. I miss her terribly. Sometimes the loneliness is so bad it feels like someone is standing on my chest.
Abby, I would like to remind all the other macho guys out there that TIME is something you only get so much of. It is precious, but unfortunately, limited. I realized, too late, that it's not enough that my wife "knew" I loved her. I should have told her more often. I know now that "I wish I would have," "I know I should have," and "If I had just one more chance" are the worst things in the world to hear yourself say when it is already too late.
PLEASE tell your spouse you love her or him. You never know if the last time you say it might be the last time you get the chance. -– TOO LATE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TOO LATE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the death of your wife. Your letter makes clear the depth of the loss you are feeling. Although true lovers never get enough of each other, I am sure she understood the strain you were under and that you loved her.
Readers, this gentleman's letter carries with it an important message. "I love you" is the sweetest music a person can hear. Bouquets of flowers smell the sweetest when they are in the hands of the recipient, not stacked by her (or his) casket. And praise is most appreciated when it can be heard by the person who has earned it, not when it's recited in a eulogy after he or she has passed. So speak up now, before it truly is too late.
DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest of three sisters. The youngest has always been the overachiever. She graduated from high school and college early, was the first to be married, and she's having the first baby in the family.
I have demonstrated my pride in my sister by attending all her celebrations. I have sent gifts, helped to organize not only parties, but also her wedding and baby showers.
I recently announced to my mother and middle sister that I am planning to be married, assuming we would all share the excitement we did for my sister. Not only did they show a complete lack of interest in my milestone, they immediately changed the subject to my sister's baby shower. I cannot help but feel hurt by this. Is the first milestone in a family more celebrated than the others that follow? -– COMING IN SECOND IN ATLANTA
DEAR SECOND: I don't blame you for feeling slighted. It appears your sister is the "golden child" in your family. Because your mother and sibling appear hypnotized by the glare of her spotlight, you may have to find your validation outside your immediate family -– from friends and your fiance's family. I recommend you start now.
In Laws' Racist Jokes Cause New Bride Concern for Future
DEAR ABBY: I recently married "Matt," the man of my dreams. We want to have children someday. Although I love Matt, I do not love the other men in his family -- specifically his father and his brothers. I'm worried about the negative influence they may have on our children.
These people swear and make racist comments and jokes in front of their children. Matt has spoken to them about it in front of me, but it hasn't stopped them or altered the way they act.
I'm an adult. I understand that these people haven't had the same educational opportunities and positive parental guidance that I was fortunate enough to have, but I worry about the influence they may have on our children. I don't want to ruin my husband's relationship with his family, but if they won't cut out the comments, I don't see how I can allow them to be a part of our children's lives. Please help. -– DISTRESSED NEW WIFE IN VERMONT
DEAR NEW WIFE: I don't know how tied into this family your husband is, but it may not be possible to totally separate your children from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins -– unless you plan to move across the country. Obviously, you married the "pick of the litter."
Please keep in mind that every family has its own standards of what is acceptable and what isn't, and yours will be no exception. You will educate your children to a higher level, and reinforce the qualities you and your husband feel are important not only by modeling good behavior for them and praising them when they emulate it, but also by pointing out what is unacceptable and telling them why. It's a more effective way to teach children their values rather than isolating them.
DEAR ABBY: A dear friend, "Claudia," is flying across the state to stay with me and my fiance for a long weekend. She asked if she could borrow my vehicle to visit a couple of her relatives, and I agreed. However, I have since learned that Claudia plans to visit more relatives during that weekend than the two she mentioned. I am now hesitant about loaning her my car.
The relatives she plans to visit don't live close by. They live an hour away from us. Claudia has offered to pay for the gas, but it's the wear and tear on my car that worries me. It's an older model.
Would it be unreasonable for me to tell her that she needs to rent a vehicle if she plans on visiting so many relatives so far away? Also, am I wrong in thinking that if you say you are coming to visit a friend, you should spend the majority of your time with her, and not running around visiting everyone else? -- HESITANT HOSTESS IN IDAHO
DEAR HESITANT HOSTESS: No, you're not wrong. Aside from the wear and tear on your car, what you're really objecting to is being used as a jumping-off place while Claudia traipses around. By all means tell her to rent a vehicle during her visit. Before agreeing to loan your car, you should have checked your insurance policy. It's possible that if some kind of mishap occurred while she was at the wheel, you would not be covered.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Practice That Isn't Perfect Triggers Family Discord
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagree about how to handle a problem with our 6-year-old daughter, "Emily," who has not been practicing her piano lessons as diligently as we would like. After her last lesson, I told my wife that I didn't think Emily did very well.
My wife thinks we should deny Emily her bedtime snack. I disagree. I feel that practicing the piano is a responsibility, and Emily should not be punished. Failure to be responsible has its own consequences. What do you think? -– AT ODDS IN AUSTIN
DEAR AT ODDS: Piano practice should not be turned into a power struggle. Denying food to a child who is hungry is not, in my opinion, appropriate. What Emily may need is help from you and/or her mother to structure her schedule so there's enough time for music practice.
You should also have a talk with your daughter and ask her why she hasn't been practicing as she should. It's possible that she dislikes the piano and would prefer another instrument, or activity, if given the choice.
DEAR ABBY: Nine years ago I had reconstructive facial surgery to repair a botched nose job. It changed the way I look. My nose was fixed, but it left my upper lip very stiff, and when I talk it can be distracting to others. My children and my husband are fine with it, but my mother and brother have a hard time looking at and socializing with me.
Over the past nine years some hurtful things have happened. I was in church one Sunday and overheard my brother say laughingly, "I can't believe how she looks." Mom told him, "You'd better contain yourself." Once, when my sister-in-law was holding her year-old daughter, I was smiling and talking to the baby. My sister-in-law said to her, "You don't even know what you're looking at, do you?"
Abby, sometimes I catch my mother shaking her head in disbelief over my appearance. I asked my brother for the name of his doctor for my daughter, and he told me to use my own doctor. The incidents go on and on.
After many painful rejections I have finally decided to move on with my life without these family members. I have explained that I will no longer attend family functions because they do not accept me. My husband and kids support me in this. I will be there if my family needs me, but I want nothing more from them. Am I wrong for pushing them away? -- HURT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR HURT: You are entitled to spend your time with people who love you, respect you and enjoy having you around. From what you have related, the dysfunction in your family may go beyond the circumstances of your unfortunate nose job and reconstructive surgery.
Your sister-in-law appears to be insensitive at best, and your brother is downright hostile. If it's painful to be around them, then by all means spend your time with people who will accept you as you are.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 44-year-old man who has never married. Because of this, some of my family and friends think I'm gay. They never have asked me outright, but they occasionally allude to it as a "joke." How can I let them know that I'm not gay and put to rest their way of thinking? -- STRAIGHT IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR STRAIGHT: The next time someone makes a joke about your sexual orientation, look the person in the eye and say, "That's funny. But, you know, I'm not gay -- just happy being single." It's the truth, and you're not alone. Many straight people of both sexes have never made it to the altar and plan to keep it that way.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)