What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Practice That Isn't Perfect Triggers Family Discord
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagree about how to handle a problem with our 6-year-old daughter, "Emily," who has not been practicing her piano lessons as diligently as we would like. After her last lesson, I told my wife that I didn't think Emily did very well.
My wife thinks we should deny Emily her bedtime snack. I disagree. I feel that practicing the piano is a responsibility, and Emily should not be punished. Failure to be responsible has its own consequences. What do you think? -– AT ODDS IN AUSTIN
DEAR AT ODDS: Piano practice should not be turned into a power struggle. Denying food to a child who is hungry is not, in my opinion, appropriate. What Emily may need is help from you and/or her mother to structure her schedule so there's enough time for music practice.
You should also have a talk with your daughter and ask her why she hasn't been practicing as she should. It's possible that she dislikes the piano and would prefer another instrument, or activity, if given the choice.
DEAR ABBY: Nine years ago I had reconstructive facial surgery to repair a botched nose job. It changed the way I look. My nose was fixed, but it left my upper lip very stiff, and when I talk it can be distracting to others. My children and my husband are fine with it, but my mother and brother have a hard time looking at and socializing with me.
Over the past nine years some hurtful things have happened. I was in church one Sunday and overheard my brother say laughingly, "I can't believe how she looks." Mom told him, "You'd better contain yourself." Once, when my sister-in-law was holding her year-old daughter, I was smiling and talking to the baby. My sister-in-law said to her, "You don't even know what you're looking at, do you?"
Abby, sometimes I catch my mother shaking her head in disbelief over my appearance. I asked my brother for the name of his doctor for my daughter, and he told me to use my own doctor. The incidents go on and on.
After many painful rejections I have finally decided to move on with my life without these family members. I have explained that I will no longer attend family functions because they do not accept me. My husband and kids support me in this. I will be there if my family needs me, but I want nothing more from them. Am I wrong for pushing them away? -- HURT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR HURT: You are entitled to spend your time with people who love you, respect you and enjoy having you around. From what you have related, the dysfunction in your family may go beyond the circumstances of your unfortunate nose job and reconstructive surgery.
Your sister-in-law appears to be insensitive at best, and your brother is downright hostile. If it's painful to be around them, then by all means spend your time with people who will accept you as you are.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 44-year-old man who has never married. Because of this, some of my family and friends think I'm gay. They never have asked me outright, but they occasionally allude to it as a "joke." How can I let them know that I'm not gay and put to rest their way of thinking? -- STRAIGHT IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR STRAIGHT: The next time someone makes a joke about your sexual orientation, look the person in the eye and say, "That's funny. But, you know, I'm not gay -- just happy being single." It's the truth, and you're not alone. Many straight people of both sexes have never made it to the altar and plan to keep it that way.
New Dad Facing Challenges Can Find Help All Around
DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "New Father in North Carolina" (July 10), who was asked to baby-sit a 14-year-old boy and now has legal custody of him. A long time ago, a baby was abandoned and left in my care. I made the commitment and the sacrifices, and reaped rewards along the way. I'm proud of the fine person my daughter has become and the way she respects me. Please allow me to share some advice with "New Father" based on my experiences.
-- Ask people for help. Be open about the difficulties you encounter, while maintaining good humor. It will give others an opportunity to volunteer for particular things.
-- Live your values. My own father never failed to correct himself when he learned he was wrong. He never lied, cheated or took unfair advantage. I'm grateful for the examples he set.
-- Above all, listen. Don't shrug things off just because they might not loom large in your own mind. Find out why they matter to your son. He needs to know he'll be treated with respect even if he says something "stupid." Assure him that mistakes don't equal stupidity and that learning to correct mistakes sensibly is one of the most important lessons in life.
I hope these suggestions will be useful to "New Father." Although we have never met, this gentleman is lodged permanently in my heart. –- PROUD FATHER IN LAS CRUCES
DEAR PROUD FATHER: How kind of you to share your insights. Many caring readers were also inspired to pass along helpful resources that should benefit "New Father." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please tell that man to call 2-1-1. This free service offers information and referrals, and they will be able to guide him to agencies that may help him obtain furniture, etc. The 2-1-1 service is available in about 70 percent of the United States. It's free and confidential. For more information, visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.211.org" �www.211.org�. -- CINDY IN JAMESTOWN, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: Freecycle (� HYPERLINK "http://www.freecycle.org" �www.freecycle.org�) is a great online group of people who give and take instead of throwing things out. If "New Father" signs up and sends an e-mail of items he needs, there's a good chance someone will respond to his request. Good luck! -– J.C. IN NEWINGTON, CONN.
DEAR ABBY: Please point "New Father" toward � HYPERLINK "http://www.craigslist.org" �www.craigslist.org�. People advertise and sell everything there. It's the world's largest garage sale. They also have a "free stuff" section. You'd be amazed at the things people give away -– as long as someone can pick the items up. -– IN OUR PRAYERS IN PHOENIX
DEAR ABBY: Please suggest that "New Father" visit his county's Smart Start office for parenting skills info. I'm a board member of this organization, which offers a wide range of services from which he can benefit. Also, he should ask about food stamps and child care subsidy at his local Department of Social Services. His social worker can probably guide him to sources of assistance in housing costs. And the local crisis center may be able to assist him with household needs. –- CAROLYN IN CLINTON, N.C.
DEAR ABBY: Many churches have outreach programs that offer services which can include counseling, as well as assistance with food, clothing and furniture. In addition, churches often have members who are doctors, social workers, repairmen, etc. who might be willing to donate their services. Bless "New Father" for what he is doing. -- ALSO NEW PARENTS IN KENTUCKY
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
One Woman's Reject Turns Out to Be Another Woman's Prize
DEAR ABBY: My friend dated someone I'll call "Joel" a few times. She said he was nice, but she couldn't get past the fact that he's 27 and still lives at home with his mom. He is also rather shy.
I ran into Joel a couple of months ago. We started chatting and I ended up asking him out. Abby, he's a great guy. He's good-looking, has a steady job, drives a new truck and has money in the bank. He calls when he says he will and never "forgets" his wallet at home. He always insists on paying for dates, and he's a good cook. And to top it off –- his mom is amazing!
I have never been happier, but now my so-called friend is angry with me. Now she is telling people that I "took" Joel away from her. (She had already told him she wasn't interested in him when I asked him out.) I'm losing a friend, but there is no way I'm giving him up. Maybe this will serve as a warning to other women. Don't count a man out because one or two things bother you. Look carefully at the whole picture before you judge someone. -– HAPPY IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR HAPPY: Amen! Many a jewel has gone undiscovered until it was spotted by someone who recognized the "real thing" when she -– or he -– saw it. In this case, it was you. Enjoy.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is a nice person and we usually get along fine, but there are things that my husband and I feel we should have in our possession that she won't hand over. I'm talking about pictures of him when he was growing up, and a few of his favorite toys to pass on -– but mostly, his birth certificate.
I'm trying my best to stay on her good side because her relationship with my husband is not very good. How can I get her to hand over the things we would like to have for our family without making it a big issue? You must know that she is super-sensitive, so this is a delicate thing. Please help. -– WANTING FOR OUR FAMILY
DEAR WANTING: Not knowing your mother-in-law, it's hard to know whether her unwillingness to share the items is because of her difficult relationship with your husband, because she is sentimental or, perhaps, because she needs to feel she's "in control." You might have better luck if you ask her if you can have copies made of the childhood photographs. That way, her family albums won't be depleted, and you can start some of your own.
As for the birth certificate, contact the department of records in the county in which your husband was born and request a copy. It's done all the time, and I'm sure they'll be pleased to oblige.
Your husband's toys are another matter. While they probably do belong with him, there may be a reason why she can't let them go. Continue to tread carefully.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think about the social acceptability of brushing one's teeth in a public restroom? I'm sure it makes no difference what type of place the restroom is in, but I'm thinking of an informal restaurant –- one where you order food at the counter and carry it on a tray.
I'm concerned about oral health, and I'd like to brush after eating out, but I don't want to offend anyone. -- WONDERING IN ST. PAUL
DEAR WONDERING: Wonder no more. Brushing your teeth in a public restroom is acceptable as long as you make certain that the sink you were using is rinsed perfectly clean afterward.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)