To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Elderly Patients Need Helping Hands During Visits to Doctor
DEAR ABBY: I work in a doctor's office where some of our elderly patients are dropped off by a transportation company. These patients often have no one with them or meeting them in the office.
If the person is coherent, it's not a problem. But when the patient isn't, then he or she is unable to fill out the forms or give us insurance information. Sometimes the people may not even know why they are in our office. Of course, this means they are unable to discuss their problem with the doctor. We assist these patients as much as we can, helping them fill out the forms, etc., but this is a busy office, and it causes other patients to be delayed as well as the doctor.
We don't blame the transportation services, but we are asking that someone accompany the patient and be prepared to fill out our forms even if the patient has been there before because the information must be updated every year.
If the patient has a designated power of attorney, then that's who should accompany the patient and be sure to bring the power of attorney papers along.
It's heartbreaking to see this scenario. We can't provide proper care if the patient can't communicate the problem to us and the doctor. I hope nursing homes and loved ones will read this and do what's best for the patient. -- AN OFFICE THAT CARES IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR OFFICE THAT CARES: You have raised an important issue, and thank you for pointing it out. It would be a good idea for doctors to require that patients who are unable to speak for themselves have an escort.
Ideally, the patient's family should see that their family member has someone in attendance. Some assisted-living facilities do send an escort or an aide. However, if that is not possible, then a case management program should be set up by a social worker, either through the nursing home or the hospital.
DEAR ABBY: I'm struggling with a question of family loyalty. I grew up in a broken home with no father and was subjected to various kinds of abuse. I'm now 21 and have had a serious boyfriend, "Will," for several years. Will's family has always welcomed me with open arms, and I enjoy being with them. They are easy to love, unlike my own family.
Of course I love my mom and sibling. We have been through a lot together. The problem is, I prefer spending holidays and trips home with Will's family rather than my own. His family get-togethers are filled with laughter, games and stimulating conversation. When my family gets together, there is nothing but negative talk about people, jobs, the future –- basically everything. There are often screaming matches and swearing, with me listening with tears in my eyes.
I endured the environment during my entire childhood, and I don't want to go back to it. Am I being disloyal in choosing my boyfriend's family over my own the majority of the time? –- DIVIDED IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR DIVIDED: Considering the circumstances, I don't think you are being disloyal. However, rather that writing your family off entirely, allot a certain amount of time to see them. When the negativity starts, explain that it makes you very uncomfortable when they act that way, and that you're going to Will's house. It will send a pointed message that may be overdue.
Neglect Costs Dearly When Car Engine Goes Up in Smoke
DEAR ABBY: My husband is not very good when it comes to taking care of his car. He never changes the oil -- he just keeps adding new oil to the existing.
I have my own vehicle, and I'm always on him to change his oil. I have given him coupons, nagged, begged -- you name it. Because of his neglect, his engine burned out and had to be replaced at a cost of $5,000. It was money our family could hardly afford.
Should I take his car in to get regular oil changes, further enhancing his lack of maturity and responsibility? Or should I continue to allow him to take care of his car himself and possibly cost us more money in future repairs? -- MOTOR MAMA IN MOBILE
DEAR MOTOR MAMA: In very few marriages are the responsibilities divided exactly down the middle. I'm not implying that you become a beast of burden. However, if there is any doubt in your mind that this experience could be repeated, I recommend that you do your irresponsible spouse a favor and take the car in for servicing. It could save you a bundle.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old man. All my life I was taught that the way to a woman's heart is to treat her like a queen. I have tried, and the result has been a marriage that ended in divorce and a string of failed relationships "because I am too good to be true."
Are there so few good guys left that women actually believe that? What do women really want? When I am just myself, I am told I'm "just like everyone else -- 'fake' until the real relationship begins!" Please help me understand why these women are so quick to pick the bad guy and run from us good guys. Am I doing something wrong? -- MIXED UP IN MISSOURI
DEAR MIXED UP: Where are you meeting these dolls? It's obvious to me that you need to widen your circle of acquaintances and fish in a different dating pool. A woman who would say something like what you have quoted in your letter appears to be so bitter and damaged by her past relationships that she no longer has the ability to trust and get involved in a healthy one.
You're not doing anything wrong, so please don't give up. You will find "Miss Right," but not in the places you've been looking.
DEAR ABBY: Please help my wife and me settle a dispute we have been having for the past few years. We have been married to each other twice. The first time was for six years. We divorced for three years, but eventually realized we were better off with each other and have now been happily remarried for 22 years.
When we celebrate our anniversary, we cannot agree on the number of years to celebrate. In the case of our current anniversary, do we say we're celebrating 28 years (the total number of years we've been married) or just from the last wedding date, which would be 22 years? -- STILL CONFUSED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
DEAR STILL CONFUSED: The answer to your question depends upon whether you're a pragmatist, a romantic or a realist. If you're a pragmatist, the answer is 22 years. If you're a romantic it's 28 years. And if you're a realist you'll smile, say, "Yes, Dear," and let your wife decide.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Is it me, or do others agree that it's tacky to announce to anyone within earshot how much money someone has spent on an item? I have a friend who brags constantly about the amount she spends on clothing and other things. I also suspect that she inflates the actual figures most of the time. How would you respond to a statement such as, "This new shirt I bought cost me $200"? -- NOT A SPENDTHRIFT IN BALTIMORE
DEAR NOT A SPENDTHRIFT: It depends upon how I wanted her to feel. If I wanted to make her feel guilty, I'd say, "Gee, that's the amount I just donated to the food bank." If I wanted her to feel envious, I'd tell her, "Really? I just put that amount in high-yield CDs." And if I wanted to make her miserable, I'd say, "It just went on sale at 70 percent off."
Or I could tell her the shirt is beautiful -- but that wouldn't be as much fun.
DEAR ABBY: For the life of me, I cannot understand why being a single person seems to make some people uncomfortable. Occasionally, I really do want to do something by myself. If I say, "One for dinner," why would someone ask, "Are you by yourself?" If I purchase one ticket for a show, why would someone try to find "someone nice" for me to sit next to?
I am not a rude person, but this happens often. I am astonished at the number of times I am made to feel that I must provide some sort of explanation. Does this happen to single men as well as to women? All I want is to be treated with respect and not be made to feel as though I don't belong. Is there something I can say in these situations, or must I simply tolerate it? -- SINGLE DINER IN HOUSTON
DEAR SINGLE DINER: The people who say these things and make these offers are well-meaning, and yes, it does happen to single men, too. The way to handle it is to smile sweetly and reply, "Thank you, but that won't be necessary."
DEAR ABBY: I'm 39 and a college graduate with plenty of common sense. I'm not stupid, yet throughout my life I have had trouble differentiating between left and right, east and west. Any explanation? -- LOST IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR LOST: There is a name for your problem. It's "directional dyslexia," and intelligence level has nothing to do with it. Fortunately for you, cell phones can be outfitted with GPS devices to help you find your way.
And as to your difficulty differentiating between left and right, hold both hands in front of you with palms out and thumbs touching. Notice how the angle of your left hand forms an "L"? I hope this solves your problem.
DEAR ABBY: Please help me. Several years ago, my granddaughter -- age 17 -- beat me up. It was awful. She beat me all over and broke my knee. I have forgiven her, but somehow it eats at me. What should I do? I will never forget that beating, which happened because I wouldn't let her drive my car. -- GEORGIA GRANDMOTHER
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: May I be blunt? It's amazing that you were able to forgive your granddaughter for her unforgivable behavior. But forgiving does not mean that you should ever forget what happened to you. My advice is to keep your distance and never be alone with her because her impulse control is absent, and she could have killed you.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)