To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom Should Share in Daughter's Marriage to Longtime Partner
DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old woman, soon to marry my longtime partner, "Julie," in San Francisco. We have the blessing of her family.
Although Julie and I have always gotten along well with my elderly mom, we have not yet told her that we are a couple because we are not sure she understands and accepts gay relationships.
Our friends feel Mom deserves the benefit of the doubt and should be included in this important event in her daughter's life. If she can't adapt, so be it -– but at least she'd know. Besides, my friends say she'll find out anyway, sooner or later, and be hurt and angry to have been excluded. What should we do, Abby? –- BEWILDERED IN THE BAY AREA
DEAR BEWILDERED: Listen to your friends because they are right. If you and Julie have been partners for a "long time," the chances are great that your mother already knows the score. Give her the good news and the chance to stand up and be counted. You may be pleasantly surprised, and if you're not, at least you'll know where you stand. It's the honest thing to do, and we're decades removed from the era when someone's sexual orientation was a guilty secret.
DEAR ABBY: I just got off the phone with a friend who makes me envious. "Sally" is a nice person with a great attitude. She married an intelligent, confident man who has become successful and has always been crazy about her. She lives in a beautiful home and has never had to work. She has a close and loving family who travels all over the world together, celebrating every occasion.
When she finishes telling me about her wonderful life, she then asks about mine. But, Abby, I just can't bring myself to tell her about my boring job, my unsuccessful husband, my parents who fight constantly and my average children. So I lie and say that everything is "fine," and after I hang up I feel like a miserable failure.
Sally is one of my dearest friends, and I would hate to end the friendship, but every conversation with her makes me feel worse. What should I do? -– ENVIOUS OF SALLY
DEAR ENVIOUS: First of all, stop measuring yourself and your life against your friend, who may or may not be telling you EVERYTHING that's going on in her life. The fact that Sally's house is bigger, her husband makes more money than yours does and they travel often does not make her more "successful" than you.
What you need is an attitude adjustment. Grab a piece of paper, sit down and start listing the blessings in your life, starting with your health and that of your family. Your husband is working and so are you. Many people aren't so fortunate.
Your children may not be straight-A students or star athletes, but are they productive? Reasonably well-adjusted? Happy? OK, so your parents fight. If they're still together after battling all these years, could it be the way they communicate?
What I'm trying to help you see is that although your life is different from your friend's, you are successful, too. And the next time Sally asks you about your life, you should level with her and let her really get to know you.
Children Suffer as Witnesses to Parents' Constant Combat
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old boy, and I have a 5-year-old sister. Our parents are together, but Dad's job was relocated to another state and he's gone most of the week. When he gets home, all he and Mom do is fight.
The fighting puts a lot of stress on me. My sister asks me, "Why are Mommy and Daddy always fighting?" This makes me want to break into tears because I don't know what to tell her. Abby, please help me understand what to do in these situations. -- WORRIED BIG BROTHER
DEAR BIG BROTHER: You should not have to be in the position of explaining your parents' deplorable behavior to your little sister. While you can assure her that the fighting has absolutely nothing to do with her -- or you -- the people who should be quieting your sister's fears are your parents. Please waste no time in telling them how upset your little sister becomes when she hears the quarreling, and that it makes you want to break down and cry, too. It's something they need to hear.
DEAR ABBY: My uncle remarried a few years ago to an interior decorator I'll call "Fern." I asked her about getting some drapes made, and she came over and spent a couple of hours discussing styles, colors, trims and fabrics. I had my eye on some curtains that cost about $30 a pair, so I was shocked when Fern gave me an estimate of $12,000. (And that included my "family discount"!) Needless to say, I didn't get the drapes.
Last week -– a year and a half later -– I received a bill for $200. Fern enclosed a note with the bill saying she had thought I was still undecided about the drapes, but now that she realizes I'm not purchasing them, she should be compensated for her time. I feel I should have been told in advance that I'd be charged for the consultation, but she never mentioned it. What should I do? –- WINDOW DRESSING IN N.J.
DEAR WINDOW DRESSING: As I see it, you have two choices: Pay the bill or write it off and risk jeopardizing your relationship with your uncle. If you value your relationship with him, you'll pay the money (in installments, if necessary) and keep your distance from his wife.
P.S. You are right. You should have been told in advance that she'd charge you a consultation fee. Shame on her.
DEAR ABBY: I recently visited family I haven't seen in a long time. They had urged me to come and bring my baby so we could spend time with them. While we were there, we had some good conversations, but they had their TV on, so a lot of the time their eyes were glued to the television screen and no one was talking.
I wanted to say something because I had traveled so far -– at their request -– and they just sat there like zombies much of the time.
Is it rude to have the TV on when you invite guests to your home? Would I have been out of line to have said something to them, rather than stewing about it later? -– TUBED OUT IN KENTUCKY
DEAR TUBED OUT: The answer to both of your questions is yes. While they were rude to have kept the television on during your visit, it would have been equally rude for you to have called them on their bad manners.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl who just entered the eighth grade. I have a few friends, but I often feel like I'm invisible. They never take the time to call me. I guess I could take the first step and call them, but I don't know what to say. I guess I'm a little shy.
I spent a long, miserable summer with no one to talk to. I want to change this before I start high school next year. I am noticing several cute guys in class. If I have so much trouble with my friendships with other girls, how am I ever going to get to know some of the guys I'm starting to like? How do I get them to notice me? I hate to think I'll just fade into the shadows. Can you help? -- ALONE AND SHY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ALONE AND SHY: The skills you're asking about take practice, and it might be of some comfort to know that, according to my mail, a third of the population is also afflicted to some degree with shyness. The surest way to overcome shyness is to understand that most people have the same feelings of insecurity and fear of not being liked that you do.
Rather than concentrating on yourself, focus on building the other person's confidence and self-esteem. My mother used to say there are two kinds of people in this world: those who walk into a room and their attitude says, "Here I am!" And those who walk into a room and their attitude says, "There you are!" The there-you-are type is always the most popular.
Because you're shy, focus yourself on interacting with others in a safe environment. Break the ice by asking someone in your class about a homework assignment. If you can't do it face-to-face, then do it on the phone. Or if you walk into a room and don't know anyone, don't wait for someone to approach you. Select someone who looks lost, approach him -- or her -- and say, "Hi, my name is 'Emma,' and I don't know a soul here. Do you?" You won't be sorry. It's not being pushy. It's being friendly.
Another thought: No matter how you feel about yourself, everyone can be charming. Charm, in a nutshell, is putting the other person at ease and making her (or him) feel comfortable and important. The charming person makes the effort to make others feel good about themselves. Forming the habit of making others feel good will make YOU popular to be around.
These suggestions -- and many others -- are included in my booklet "How to Be Popular: You're Never Too Young or Too Old." It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.
Remember, people who are interested in others are a cinch to be welcomed -- and even sought out. So, even if you don't feel you are "perfect," or outgoing or talented, try being charming. It works like a charm.