To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Children Suffer as Witnesses to Parents' Constant Combat
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old boy, and I have a 5-year-old sister. Our parents are together, but Dad's job was relocated to another state and he's gone most of the week. When he gets home, all he and Mom do is fight.
The fighting puts a lot of stress on me. My sister asks me, "Why are Mommy and Daddy always fighting?" This makes me want to break into tears because I don't know what to tell her. Abby, please help me understand what to do in these situations. -- WORRIED BIG BROTHER
DEAR BIG BROTHER: You should not have to be in the position of explaining your parents' deplorable behavior to your little sister. While you can assure her that the fighting has absolutely nothing to do with her -- or you -- the people who should be quieting your sister's fears are your parents. Please waste no time in telling them how upset your little sister becomes when she hears the quarreling, and that it makes you want to break down and cry, too. It's something they need to hear.
DEAR ABBY: My uncle remarried a few years ago to an interior decorator I'll call "Fern." I asked her about getting some drapes made, and she came over and spent a couple of hours discussing styles, colors, trims and fabrics. I had my eye on some curtains that cost about $30 a pair, so I was shocked when Fern gave me an estimate of $12,000. (And that included my "family discount"!) Needless to say, I didn't get the drapes.
Last week -– a year and a half later -– I received a bill for $200. Fern enclosed a note with the bill saying she had thought I was still undecided about the drapes, but now that she realizes I'm not purchasing them, she should be compensated for her time. I feel I should have been told in advance that I'd be charged for the consultation, but she never mentioned it. What should I do? –- WINDOW DRESSING IN N.J.
DEAR WINDOW DRESSING: As I see it, you have two choices: Pay the bill or write it off and risk jeopardizing your relationship with your uncle. If you value your relationship with him, you'll pay the money (in installments, if necessary) and keep your distance from his wife.
P.S. You are right. You should have been told in advance that she'd charge you a consultation fee. Shame on her.
DEAR ABBY: I recently visited family I haven't seen in a long time. They had urged me to come and bring my baby so we could spend time with them. While we were there, we had some good conversations, but they had their TV on, so a lot of the time their eyes were glued to the television screen and no one was talking.
I wanted to say something because I had traveled so far -– at their request -– and they just sat there like zombies much of the time.
Is it rude to have the TV on when you invite guests to your home? Would I have been out of line to have said something to them, rather than stewing about it later? -– TUBED OUT IN KENTUCKY
DEAR TUBED OUT: The answer to both of your questions is yes. While they were rude to have kept the television on during your visit, it would have been equally rude for you to have called them on their bad manners.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl who just entered the eighth grade. I have a few friends, but I often feel like I'm invisible. They never take the time to call me. I guess I could take the first step and call them, but I don't know what to say. I guess I'm a little shy.
I spent a long, miserable summer with no one to talk to. I want to change this before I start high school next year. I am noticing several cute guys in class. If I have so much trouble with my friendships with other girls, how am I ever going to get to know some of the guys I'm starting to like? How do I get them to notice me? I hate to think I'll just fade into the shadows. Can you help? -- ALONE AND SHY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ALONE AND SHY: The skills you're asking about take practice, and it might be of some comfort to know that, according to my mail, a third of the population is also afflicted to some degree with shyness. The surest way to overcome shyness is to understand that most people have the same feelings of insecurity and fear of not being liked that you do.
Rather than concentrating on yourself, focus on building the other person's confidence and self-esteem. My mother used to say there are two kinds of people in this world: those who walk into a room and their attitude says, "Here I am!" And those who walk into a room and their attitude says, "There you are!" The there-you-are type is always the most popular.
Because you're shy, focus yourself on interacting with others in a safe environment. Break the ice by asking someone in your class about a homework assignment. If you can't do it face-to-face, then do it on the phone. Or if you walk into a room and don't know anyone, don't wait for someone to approach you. Select someone who looks lost, approach him -- or her -- and say, "Hi, my name is 'Emma,' and I don't know a soul here. Do you?" You won't be sorry. It's not being pushy. It's being friendly.
Another thought: No matter how you feel about yourself, everyone can be charming. Charm, in a nutshell, is putting the other person at ease and making her (or him) feel comfortable and important. The charming person makes the effort to make others feel good about themselves. Forming the habit of making others feel good will make YOU popular to be around.
These suggestions -- and many others -- are included in my booklet "How to Be Popular: You're Never Too Young or Too Old." It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.
Remember, people who are interested in others are a cinch to be welcomed -- and even sought out. So, even if you don't feel you are "perfect," or outgoing or talented, try being charming. It works like a charm.
Roadside Memorials Are Comfort to Some, Distraction to Others
DEAR ABBY: I was a little disappointed in your reply to "M.H. in L.A." (June 22) regarding roadside memorials. I know you feel they are a gesture of respect, but really, there's a time and place for everything. Memorials belong in cemeteries, not on our roadways.
My dear father was run over by a truck and killed. I would never dream of putting up a cross as a reminder of the place where he died. That was done at the cemetery the day we laid him to rest.
We need to celebrate life, not death. By creating roadside memorials we solidify the place of death, not the life the individual had. Also, the memorial becomes a constant reminder to first responders who must pass by that place every day. I have worked with a crisis response team in my county and was told by a 19-year-old firefighter who couldn't sleep that it was because of the body parts they had to pick up from the roadway. Why have visual reminders on the road to remind everyone of the worst day instead of the best days of the individual's life? -- SEEN AND HEARD TOO MUCH
DEAR SEEN AND HEARD: Readers were divided on this issue. Some find the memorials to be comforting. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I live in Japan, and often when people die, a small statue or flowers will be placed in their memory. It serves a twofold purpose. First, to remind others how lucky they are to have loved ones, and second, it serves as a warning to others to beware of hazards. -- AMERICAN IN JAPAN
DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to comment to "M.H. in L.A." There may not be a cemetery in which to pay your respects because some victims are cremated. Placement of the roadside memorial often reflects where the loved one spent his or her final moments. It is calming to go to the place where our loved one transitioned. I hope "M.H." will never have to encounter this sad experience. -- JUST A MOM
DEAR ABBY: I agree with "M.H." I think roadside memorials are overdone and unnecessary. If you wish to honor someone's memory, look into the adopt-a-highway program and put the person's name up for motorists to see. -- KANSAS CITY READER
DEAR ABBY: I felt the same as "M.H. in L.A." -- until 2004, when a dear friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver. Kit was a Boy Scouts of America professional on his way to do his duty for the youth of South Dakota. Kit was killed instantly, but his legacy lives on in the hearts of thousands of youths and adults who miss him to this day.
Every time I drive past his highway marker I wave to him and recite the Scout Oath, "On My Honor ..." -- GRIEVING RETIRED SCOUT EXECUTIVE
DEAR ABBY: You are absolutely correct that these spontaneous tributes can distract passing motorists. They are often on a dangerous part of the roadway that precipitated the fatality, and people stopping to place flowers and other tributes can lead to further fatalities. Better to do your grieving in a cemetery, lest you wind up a permanent resident in one yourself -- or worse, cause some other motorist to suffer the same fate. -- J.K., COLUMBIA, S.C.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)