What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Roadside Memorials Are Comfort to Some, Distraction to Others
DEAR ABBY: I was a little disappointed in your reply to "M.H. in L.A." (June 22) regarding roadside memorials. I know you feel they are a gesture of respect, but really, there's a time and place for everything. Memorials belong in cemeteries, not on our roadways.
My dear father was run over by a truck and killed. I would never dream of putting up a cross as a reminder of the place where he died. That was done at the cemetery the day we laid him to rest.
We need to celebrate life, not death. By creating roadside memorials we solidify the place of death, not the life the individual had. Also, the memorial becomes a constant reminder to first responders who must pass by that place every day. I have worked with a crisis response team in my county and was told by a 19-year-old firefighter who couldn't sleep that it was because of the body parts they had to pick up from the roadway. Why have visual reminders on the road to remind everyone of the worst day instead of the best days of the individual's life? -- SEEN AND HEARD TOO MUCH
DEAR SEEN AND HEARD: Readers were divided on this issue. Some find the memorials to be comforting. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I live in Japan, and often when people die, a small statue or flowers will be placed in their memory. It serves a twofold purpose. First, to remind others how lucky they are to have loved ones, and second, it serves as a warning to others to beware of hazards. -- AMERICAN IN JAPAN
DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to comment to "M.H. in L.A." There may not be a cemetery in which to pay your respects because some victims are cremated. Placement of the roadside memorial often reflects where the loved one spent his or her final moments. It is calming to go to the place where our loved one transitioned. I hope "M.H." will never have to encounter this sad experience. -- JUST A MOM
DEAR ABBY: I agree with "M.H." I think roadside memorials are overdone and unnecessary. If you wish to honor someone's memory, look into the adopt-a-highway program and put the person's name up for motorists to see. -- KANSAS CITY READER
DEAR ABBY: I felt the same as "M.H. in L.A." -- until 2004, when a dear friend of mine was killed by a drunk driver. Kit was a Boy Scouts of America professional on his way to do his duty for the youth of South Dakota. Kit was killed instantly, but his legacy lives on in the hearts of thousands of youths and adults who miss him to this day.
Every time I drive past his highway marker I wave to him and recite the Scout Oath, "On My Honor ..." -- GRIEVING RETIRED SCOUT EXECUTIVE
DEAR ABBY: You are absolutely correct that these spontaneous tributes can distract passing motorists. They are often on a dangerous part of the roadway that precipitated the fatality, and people stopping to place flowers and other tributes can lead to further fatalities. Better to do your grieving in a cemetery, lest you wind up a permanent resident in one yourself -- or worse, cause some other motorist to suffer the same fate. -- J.K., COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and had never been in love until recently. The only problem is, the man I fell for is married.
I knew "Craig" was married when I began talking to him at work. We have never "done" anything but talk, but sometimes that's all it takes. Craig was going through a separation, and we talked every day for hours at a time.
Now he doesn't want to talk at all. He says he needs time and doesn't want anyone to get hurt, but I am already hurt. I try to talk to him, but he doesn't respond. Craig is ignoring me now, and it's very painful. I have already fallen for him, and I am more than willing to wait, but each passing day it gets harder and harder.
Please advise me on what to do. Is love worth all the pain? -- HEARTBROKEN IN OHIO
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I have news for you. Love isn't painful when the love object is the right person and the love is returned. What's painful is rejection.
Your mistake was allowing your attraction to Craig to overwhelm your good sense. He started talking to you when he was separated and vulnerable. But now he has made up his mind to make a go of his marriage. Accept it, and if necessary, find another job. It would be less painful than seeing him every day.
DEAR ABBY: I come from a family of big eaters who are not very health-conscious. They pride themselves on being exceptional cooks, and most of them are overweight.
Being younger and more active, I am thinner than most of my family members. I made a conscious choice to research weight loss and exercise so I could maintain a healthy lifestyle. However, this has caused my family to react with annoyance and hostility. They call me a "food snob" when I warn them about the risks they are taking with their food choices.
When I ask my broth er to drive me to a local track or swimming pool, he acts as if what I'm asking is ridiculous and stupid. What can I do to stop the condescending stares, snide remarks and enmity? -- LOOKING OUT FOR MYSELF IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LOOKING OUT: You deserve praise for "swimming against the tide" and changing your eating and exercise habits. It isn't easy to do when those around you are indulging in their "vices."
Please realize the path to clean and healthy living is one that each person must take individually. Every time you "warn" your family about their "risky" eating habits, it appears to them that you are being critical, and that is why they're reacting the way they do. Be less "helpful," and they will be less defensive.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 50s and starting to spend a lot of time traveling in our RV and staying in RV parks and campgrounds.
My question is about sex. With everyone so close, how do folks handle this? -- TWO FOR THE ROAD
DEAR T FOR THE R: I searched frantically for my manual on sex etiquette in RV communities, but seem to have misplaced it. However, to the best of my recollection, the way to "handle it" would be to find a spot to park your RV some distance away from the other vehicles, keep the windows shut and try to keep your voices down.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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Traveling Man Is Burdened by Intense Longing for Home
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old married man. "Lana" and I have been married 10 years. We deal with the usual problems (our son, jobs, money) as a team. I feel blessed to have married my best friend.
My job requires traveling. While seeing new things and meeting new people interest me, when I'm away from Lana and our young son, I suffer from extreme separation anxiety.
Abby, it's not a trust issue. I trust Lana completely, and I know she is taking excellent care of our son. My problem is I miss them terribly. I cry every night that I'm away. When I call home, I break down. Lana understands this is how I am and doesn't judge me. She's always supportive.
Am I crazy? Is this normal? Other guys I know who travel appear to enjoy it. But if I look at a photo of Lana or our son while I'm away, I end up in tears. I don't want to be this way, but it has reached the point where I can't see myself traveling anymore for business. -- BAWLING AT THE AIRPORT
DEAR BAWLING: Your level of sadness and stress at being away from your wife and son is off the charts. This is something you should discuss with a licensed mental health professional because I am sure there is a reason for your feeling the way you do. With help you will find out what it is and learn to cope. Please start now so you can decide rationally whether or not it's time for a new career -- with all the sacrifice that it could entail.
DEAR ABBY: I am the proud mother of four beautiful daughters, ages 9, 16 months and a set of 4-month-old twins. They are lovely, well-behaved children. My problem is that strangers feel compelled to make comments, especially about the younger ones. They say things like, "Whoa! That's a lot of work! I'm glad I'm not you!" or, "You sure don't waste any time!" -- and my favorite, "Are you going to keep trying for a boy?"
How rude! They even say to my 9-year-old, "You must have a lot of work to do at home, helping your mom with all those babies." She hears it almost daily.
My child does not raise my babies, and no, I'm not trying for a boy! I hear these comments every time I step out the door with my kids. It's starting to get to me. What should I say to these people without being as rude as they are? -- NO DRAMA MAMA IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR NO DRAMA MAMA: Look them straight in the eye and say, "My children are my joy -- and no, I'm not trying for a boy." And when your daughter is asked if she's being exploited as child labor, she should reply, "No, I have too many other things I enjoy doing." It's sad that some people have so little sensitivity -- or common sense -- and forget that they cannot always say the first thing that pops into their heads.
DEAR ABBY: My family and I recently went to a hibachi restaurant for dinner. The chef was great and the food was OK. We enjoyed ourselves.
When the customers next to us left the table after their meal, the chef looked confused -- as if he were expecting a separate tip from the server's. I have never tipped a chef separately. Is that wrong? -- SHELLI IN BROOKLYN
DEAR SHELLI: If the chef was cooking your meal to order, then he (or she) should have received a gratuity separate and apart from your server. It is never "wrong" to tip someone who gives you good service -- at least not here in the United States.
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