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Traveling Man Is Burdened by Intense Longing for Home
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old married man. "Lana" and I have been married 10 years. We deal with the usual problems (our son, jobs, money) as a team. I feel blessed to have married my best friend.
My job requires traveling. While seeing new things and meeting new people interest me, when I'm away from Lana and our young son, I suffer from extreme separation anxiety.
Abby, it's not a trust issue. I trust Lana completely, and I know she is taking excellent care of our son. My problem is I miss them terribly. I cry every night that I'm away. When I call home, I break down. Lana understands this is how I am and doesn't judge me. She's always supportive.
Am I crazy? Is this normal? Other guys I know who travel appear to enjoy it. But if I look at a photo of Lana or our son while I'm away, I end up in tears. I don't want to be this way, but it has reached the point where I can't see myself traveling anymore for business. -- BAWLING AT THE AIRPORT
DEAR BAWLING: Your level of sadness and stress at being away from your wife and son is off the charts. This is something you should discuss with a licensed mental health professional because I am sure there is a reason for your feeling the way you do. With help you will find out what it is and learn to cope. Please start now so you can decide rationally whether or not it's time for a new career -- with all the sacrifice that it could entail.
DEAR ABBY: I am the proud mother of four beautiful daughters, ages 9, 16 months and a set of 4-month-old twins. They are lovely, well-behaved children. My problem is that strangers feel compelled to make comments, especially about the younger ones. They say things like, "Whoa! That's a lot of work! I'm glad I'm not you!" or, "You sure don't waste any time!" -- and my favorite, "Are you going to keep trying for a boy?"
How rude! They even say to my 9-year-old, "You must have a lot of work to do at home, helping your mom with all those babies." She hears it almost daily.
My child does not raise my babies, and no, I'm not trying for a boy! I hear these comments every time I step out the door with my kids. It's starting to get to me. What should I say to these people without being as rude as they are? -- NO DRAMA MAMA IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR NO DRAMA MAMA: Look them straight in the eye and say, "My children are my joy -- and no, I'm not trying for a boy." And when your daughter is asked if she's being exploited as child labor, she should reply, "No, I have too many other things I enjoy doing." It's sad that some people have so little sensitivity -- or common sense -- and forget that they cannot always say the first thing that pops into their heads.
DEAR ABBY: My family and I recently went to a hibachi restaurant for dinner. The chef was great and the food was OK. We enjoyed ourselves.
When the customers next to us left the table after their meal, the chef looked confused -- as if he were expecting a separate tip from the server's. I have never tipped a chef separately. Is that wrong? -- SHELLI IN BROOKLYN
DEAR SHELLI: If the chef was cooking your meal to order, then he (or she) should have received a gratuity separate and apart from your server. It is never "wrong" to tip someone who gives you good service -- at least not here in the United States.
STAY-AT-HOME MOM QUESTIONS SETTING EXAMPLE FOR DAUGHTERS
DEAR ABBY: I married my high school sweetheart at 18 and put off college to start the family that we always wanted. Nine years later, we have three beautiful daughters.
My husband has a great job with a good salary. I have never had to work, but now I feel totally dependent on him. I have expressed my feelings to him about wanting a career. He tells me I already have one -- taking care of the family. He says I need to be at home with them.
Abby, I feel like I should get out of the house and start a career of my own so my daughters don't think their place in the world is to be only a stay-at-home mommy. Don't get me wrong, I love being with and taking care of my girls. But am I doing long-term damage to them by being so dependent on their father for everything? -- TEXAS MOMMY
DEAR TEXAS MOMMY: You may think you are asking one question, but it appears you have two separate issues that need resolving. Your concern about feeling completely financially dependent shouldn't be ignored. What would happen to you and the children if something were to happen to your husband? With only a high school education to fall back on, the impact would be life-changing for you and your girls.
You ask if you are somehow damaging them because you are a full-time mommy. And yet, how can having a mother in the house whose focus is on their welfare and development be damaging? Most children should be so fortunate.
The solution to your problem lies in compromise. By that I mean devoting some of your time to taking classes so you can earn a degree when all your children are in school full time. That way -- heaven forbid it should come to this -- you will be able to support yourself and your daughters should the need arise.
DEAR ABBY: My mother lacks social sensitivity. She just doesn't know how to communicate with people, especially her kids and grandkids. She makes critical and inappropriate comments that create tension and misunderstanding. Often her trivial opinions will bring conversations to a dead stop.
She has told me she doesn't do it on purpose. But my husband, kids and in-laws don't understand why she's the way she is. Mom had a very hard life. My father was an abusive alcoholic. After they divorced, Mom raised three kids on her own. We were very poor and don't have many good memories. We grew up surrounded by anger, hopelessness and negativity.
I love my mother very much, and I know she tried her best, but we are still a dysfunctional family. I am considering having family therapy. Mom is 73 now. Is she too old to have therapy? I really need your advice. -- TRYING TO HELP IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TRYING TO HELP: If someone recognizes there is a problem and is open to getting help, then there is no age limit for psychotherapy. However, if you think family therapy will change your mother, you're barking up the wrong tree. What family therapy can do is help you, your husband, your kids and the in-laws to react differently to her -- and in a case like this, it might be helpful.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Different Political Views Bring on Family's Scorn
DEAR ABBY: I have come to dread family gatherings. My extended family holds a different political perspective than I. It seems like at every occasion they sit around and expound on the good points of their candidate or elected official, while belittling the opposition and ridiculing his or her supporters. I have tried on several occasions to change the subject or tell them I don't wish to discuss politics, to no avail.
Recently at a family party, I sat down with some relatives I hadn't seen in a long time in an effort to reconnect. They soon began their political bashing. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, only to discover that while I was gone they had discussed my political leanings. When I attempted to go to another room, a relative asked whom I was voting for. I said my vote was a private matter -- and the statement prompted peals of laughter in the room.
I would really like to spend time with my family, but with the elections coming up, I feel the need to avoid them. Please assist me on how to handle this. -- NO POLITICS (OR RELIGION) PLEASE, IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO P. OR R.: The surest way is to avoid them until all the votes are counted, after which they'll be so weary of politics that you won't be bothered again -- until the next election.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old woman who moved in with a friend, "Natasha," who is also 25, after her boyfriend of seven years kicked her out three months ago.
One of the conditions of my moving in was that I'd get to use her car for work and errands because I'd be moving out of my mother's house and had shared Mom's car.
Well, I accidentally spilled a drink in Natasha's car while I was using it, and she revoked my privilege to drive it. I'm looking for a car of my own, but I have already spent a great deal of money to move in with Natasha and help her in her time of need.
I understand that the car is Natasha's property, and she can do with it as she pleases. But I'm concerned that she went back on her word so quickly into our living situation. She has now started leaving me nasty, belittling little notes and is scathing with her choice of words. She refuses to talk to me and will communicate with me now only through writing. I'd like to take the high road, but I'm having a hard time finding it.
Until now, I enjoyed living with her, and I don't want to end our arrangement. How can I have backbone but still be a good friend and roommate? -- STRANDED IN A SMALL TOWN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR STRANDED: Because of the way your roommate is acting, it may not be possible. While I can understand Natasha being upset about the drink you spilled in her car, it appears she has gone a little over the top -- unless there are other things about you that also make her angry. (Was the vehicle cleaned to her satisfaction after the mishap?)
It would be helpful if you could have a frank, face-to-face discussion. You need to hear what's on her mind, minus the nastiness. If she is unwilling, then you should look for other living arrangements as soon as possible.
P.S. Wouldn't it be interesting if the reason for her change in attitude is a desire to reunite with her boyfriend?
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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