What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WIFE'S CELL PHONE MYSTERY MAN UNSETTLES HER HUSBAND
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 25 years has been talking on the phone with a married man who lives in a city 300 miles away. They chat for more than an hour a week. Our cell phone bills indicate that this has been going on for more than a year.
I have decided there is nothing to gain by confronting her with this information, but every few months I wonder. She has never talked to me about him. There is no way she has been able to see this man during this time, but I wonder why she hasn't mentioned that she has a "phone pal."
At least she got him to stop calling the house and hanging up when I answered. (She noticed I looked at the caller ID.) Any suggestions? -- SUSPICIOUS IN COLUMBUS
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I sure do. With cell phone statement in hand, ask your wife who she has been talking to for the past year and why she never mentioned it to you. Something IS obviously going on, and you have a right to know the truth. If you aren't satisfied with her answers, call the phone number yourself. The longer you ignore the problem, the deeper in trouble your marriage will be.
DEAR ABBY: For the past week I have been remodeling my home. Workers have asked to use my bathroom, which is a problem for me as I feel it is an invasion of a personal, private space. I feel they should have a porta-potty in their vans or find a public toilet nearby.
Am I wrong? I hate saying "no," but I feel my privacy is stolen. -- PRIVACY, PLEASE, IN MONTANA
DEAR P.P.: Call your contractor and ask that a portable toilet be provided to the workers on your job. However, if that's not possible, rather than telling the people remodeling your house to find a public toilet, I'm advising you to relent. Happy workers do better work, regardless of what field they're in. And when work is being done in my home, I not only allow workers to use the "facilities," I also offer them a cold drink on a hot day. (Hint, hint.)
DEAR ABBY: I just got back from one of the best vacations I have had in my life. It was relaxing, and I had a blast. Do you think it's weird that I went on that vacation alone with my father-in-law?
His son, "Blake," and I have been married for 14 years, and I have been around the family for more than 20. I met Blake when we were both in high school.
Before the trip, Dad and I got negative comments when the upcoming vacation was mentioned. Was it "inappropriate"? Or are the people saying so jealous they don't share a close relationship with their in-laws?
Blake and my mother-in-law were fine with the idea. Dad had fun telling people we met on the trip that I was his "secretary." We laughed about it -- but when we told them I was his daughter-in-law, they looked perplexed.
I love my in-laws as if they were my own parents. What's your take on our vacation? I am 37. -- "BLONDIE" IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA.
DEAR BLONDIE: Your letter is a first. I would have to say the situation is unusual. However, because the trip was taken with your husband's and your mother-in-law's blessing, and nothing untoward occurred -- then "evil be he (or she) who thinks evil of it."
Teen's Penchant for Piercing Earns Him Unwanted Attention
DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old male, and every day I face judgment, cruel remarks, disapproving stares and other harassment.
The reason? I want to be a tattoo and piercing artist. I currently have one tattoo (which my shirtsleeve covers) and more than 20 piercings. Eight of the piercings are in my face, and most of the others are in my ears. My main ear holes are stretched out to a half-inch.
I can't walk down the street without hearing some comment, or someone stopping and staring, slack-jawed. Even friendly inquiries are becoming irritating. I'm passionate about tattoos and piercings and have been since childhood. I chose my piercings to balance each other and create an art form on my face and ears.
At school I was judged and stereotyped at the beginning of each year and would go out of my way to prove I am a nice, respectable human being with feelings. Now, with a new school term approaching, how can I get people to stop judging me and asking dumb questions like, "How bad did that hurt?" -- FUTURE SKIN ARTIST, PORT HURON, MICH.
DEAR FUTURE SKIN ARTIST: You have chosen to look different, so you shouldn't be surprised at the staring and the questions. The sooner you realize it and learn to answer the questions without being defensive, the better your chances will be of being accepted.
P.S. Perhaps in the future you should consider moving to Los Angeles. In this town everyone has seen almost everything, and people who are different are less shocking.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Daryl" for four years. We're very much in love and usually get along well. The problem is I'm a scheduled-oriented person. I like to plan ahead what we're going to do and what time we're going to do it.
Daryl, on the other hand, hates schedules and sometimes flat-out refuses to commit to something because he "doesn't want to be tied down" to one.
I have tried to be more flexible, and I think Daryl has tried to bend a little for me, too. However, I'm worried that this issue will eventually come between us. I don't want to break up with him over it because I really do love him, and this seems like a petty thing. Please advise. -- CLOCKING IN FROM ILLINOIS
DEAR CLOCKING IN: Your concerns are not petty. I don't know how "loosey-goosey" Daryl is, but men who "refuse to commit" and "don't want to be tied down" are often not only extremely disorganized, but also confirmed bachelors.
You and Daryl have been dating for four years. Please give serious consideration to whether this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life, because your differences will be a constant source of friction.
DEAR ABBY: Could you please tell me at what age a person can claim to be a senior citizen? Also, at what age is one considered a senior citizen in a restaurant? -- OLD ENOUGH? IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR OLD ENOUGH?: I have known some people in their 20s, already jaded with life, who were "older" than many vibrant people in their 80s who claim to be 80 years "young." Years ago, individuals were considered to be seniors at 65. But then, to the disconcertment of many, AARP began soliciting people at age 50. It seems the age of eligibility for "seniorhood" dropped as they became a financial demographic that attracted marketers.
The specific age to qualify for seniorhood isn't carved in granite -- as you will find in various restaurants and movie theaters. Start asking around and you'll see what I mean.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Tolerating Students Who Cheat Damages Their Future and Ours
DEAR READERS: Today's column is a continuation of the one I printed yesterday regarding cheating and ethics -- a topic that clearly touched a nerve with many readers.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired teacher. Your response regarding high school honor students cheating shows that you do not understand the current school system. Administration is too busy with REAL problems and chooses to ignore this one. In fact, I had "good" students caught using drugs at lunch and nothing was done because "these students are not causing problems in school." -- LARRY IN TEXAS
DEAR LARRY: I disagree with school administrators who pretend that students getting stoned on campus isn't a problem. Those "honor" students may not have been openly disruptive, but they were breaking the law, and that is a serious problem. If there is no accountability, then no solution to a problem is possible.
DEAR ABBY: You're right that ethics have taken a nosedive, but where does it start? It starts in the home. I've seen moms feed their children food at the grocery store and throw the wrapper away without paying for it. Everyone needs to look at the behavior they model for their children and do the right thing. -- DEBBIE IN GREER, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: When I attended college at a small school in Oregon, my English teacher was in her first year of teaching. A few days after the first test I took in her class, she announced that she had proof that someone had cheated. She then discarded those tests and passed out new ones. Frankly, I was glad to have a teacher who didn't look the other way. -- ANNE IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: I teach at a state university. If I catch students cheating, they fail my course automatically. In addition, I also have the option of attaching the reason for that failure to their transcripts, which will probably make finding a job more difficult after they leave school, since those transcripts provide proof of their dishonesty to potential employers.
Too many people in our society, students included, opt for the easy way out when challenged. If "Valedictorian Contender" feels guilty about turning in cheaters, he/she should consider that getting caught now might be the best thing that could happen to them. Not only are they cheating themselves out of the learning they would have gained by putting forth the effort to learn the material, but they also risk their chances for future success. -- S.L. IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: If students today were taught the value of morality by studying literature and philosophy, history and economics, they would develop a higher mind and a greater belief in their own need for a sounder character.
We are assailed on many fronts by problems that seem insurmountable and insoluble, and it's easy to become discouraged. But so long as some of us strive to emphasize the need for honesty and instill in our young charges a sense of outrage for injustice, dishonesty and chicanery, we can avoid what earlier generations called mountebankery, humbug and fraud. -- C.R. IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: I cannot stress the importance of exposing wrongdoing when it is encountered. To quote Robert F. Kennedy: "Every time we turn our heads the other way when we see the law flouted, when we tolerate what we know to be wrong, when we close our eyes and ears to the corrupt because we are too busy or too frightened, when we fail to speak up and speak out, we strike a blow against freedom and decency and justice." -- KERRY IN MONTGOMERY, ALA.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)