Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Tolerating Students Who Cheat Damages Their Future and Ours
DEAR READERS: Today's column is a continuation of the one I printed yesterday regarding cheating and ethics -- a topic that clearly touched a nerve with many readers.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired teacher. Your response regarding high school honor students cheating shows that you do not understand the current school system. Administration is too busy with REAL problems and chooses to ignore this one. In fact, I had "good" students caught using drugs at lunch and nothing was done because "these students are not causing problems in school." -- LARRY IN TEXAS
DEAR LARRY: I disagree with school administrators who pretend that students getting stoned on campus isn't a problem. Those "honor" students may not have been openly disruptive, but they were breaking the law, and that is a serious problem. If there is no accountability, then no solution to a problem is possible.
DEAR ABBY: You're right that ethics have taken a nosedive, but where does it start? It starts in the home. I've seen moms feed their children food at the grocery store and throw the wrapper away without paying for it. Everyone needs to look at the behavior they model for their children and do the right thing. -- DEBBIE IN GREER, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: When I attended college at a small school in Oregon, my English teacher was in her first year of teaching. A few days after the first test I took in her class, she announced that she had proof that someone had cheated. She then discarded those tests and passed out new ones. Frankly, I was glad to have a teacher who didn't look the other way. -- ANNE IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: I teach at a state university. If I catch students cheating, they fail my course automatically. In addition, I also have the option of attaching the reason for that failure to their transcripts, which will probably make finding a job more difficult after they leave school, since those transcripts provide proof of their dishonesty to potential employers.
Too many people in our society, students included, opt for the easy way out when challenged. If "Valedictorian Contender" feels guilty about turning in cheaters, he/she should consider that getting caught now might be the best thing that could happen to them. Not only are they cheating themselves out of the learning they would have gained by putting forth the effort to learn the material, but they also risk their chances for future success. -- S.L. IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: If students today were taught the value of morality by studying literature and philosophy, history and economics, they would develop a higher mind and a greater belief in their own need for a sounder character.
We are assailed on many fronts by problems that seem insurmountable and insoluble, and it's easy to become discouraged. But so long as some of us strive to emphasize the need for honesty and instill in our young charges a sense of outrage for injustice, dishonesty and chicanery, we can avoid what earlier generations called mountebankery, humbug and fraud. -- C.R. IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: I cannot stress the importance of exposing wrongdoing when it is encountered. To quote Robert F. Kennedy: "Every time we turn our heads the other way when we see the law flouted, when we tolerate what we know to be wrong, when we close our eyes and ears to the corrupt because we are too busy or too frightened, when we fail to speak up and speak out, we strike a blow against freedom and decency and justice." -- KERRY IN MONTGOMERY, ALA.
CHEATING IS RAMPANT BOTH IN AND OUT OF THE CLASSROOM
DEAR READERS: When I printed the letter about cheating in school from "Valedictorian Contender" on May 27, my staff and I were deluged with mail. If you're interested in what folks had to say, here is a sample:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently retired from teaching at a highly rated, competitive Midwestern public school. Cheating was rampant, from copying homework to text-messaging during tests in the classroom. When confronted, the cheaters were surprised and usually asserted that "everyone else does it." And they were right.
Cheating occurs in the classroom, in sports, in extra-curricular activities and in the hallways, and has become more acceptable among students than ever before. Teachers are practically powerless to control it; administrators seem to have no idea how to handle it. Parents don't want to get involved for fear of angering their children, and a strong leader may be "asked" to back down from pursuing it.
My husband and I tried many times to make students understand that what they were doing or thinking was wrong and needed to be corrected, only to be met with an incredulous stare, a sneer perhaps, and then, "Can I go now?" We began asking ourselves that same question and realized last year that WE "could go now" -- and we did. More of our time was spent trying to teach moral values and ethics and less was spent on the required curriculum.
You were right when you said people's codes of ethics have taken a nosedive in the last decade. It's rampant in every aspect of life as you mentioned. But when it's rampant in our schools, it eliminates any chance of fixing it for coming generations. -- RETIRED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR ABBY: In recent years it seems cheating is encouraged by parents. I have seen it when teaching Sunday school to seventh-graders. The father of one of the Scouts in our local Scout troop even called cheating "just a form of competitive advantage."
For a long time I have carried a quote in my wallet that is my favorite saying: "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." The person who said it was the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. -- TONY S., NEW MILFORD, CONN.
DEAR ABBY: After teaching in public and private schools for 44 years, I believe that most students are honest the majority of the time. However, I would advise "Valedictorian" to pay attention. Make mental notes of the names of her classmates who cheat every chance they get. Do not forget who they are. She will be meeting them all the rest of her life.
If they go into business, shop elsewhere. If they become bankers, put your money elsewhere. If they go into the service industries, get your car or your teeth repaired somewhere else.
Above all, do not let your siblings marry one of them -- marriage is the biggest "test" of all. -- E.B., LINDEN, ALA.
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Valedictorian" was, as usual, on target. The notion of (personal) responsibility is another "R" that should be taught in school. -- WAY TO GO IN MONTANA
DEAR WAY TO GO: Thank you for the kind words, but I beg to differ. Responsibility for one's actions should be taught in the home, by example, by the parents. Readers, more on this tomorrow.
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Couple Is Open About Dating While Wife Is Behind Bars
DEAR ABBY: For the past six months I have been dating a man I'll call "Tom." Our kids adore each other, our parents think we're a great couple, and our friends love seeing us together. There's just one problem: He's married.
Tom's wife has been locked up for some time, and neither of us ever expected to fall in love. I asked him if he planned on telling her about us, and he said, "yes," because he can't lie about it to her. We've been very open about our relationship.
Now that she's out, I can't help but wonder what I was thinking getting involved in this relationship. Don't get me wrong, Abby. I love Tom deeply, and he feels the same way. His family has been telling him for months that he's crazy if he doesn't leave her. What should I do about this? -- NEEDS TO KNOW NOW IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: I can answer that in one short paragraph. Cut off all contact with Tom until he decides that his marriage is over AND files for divorce. Then ask yourself, "Is it worth the gamble to marry a man with as little character as this one has shown?" To paraphrase Stephen Stills, "If he's not with the one he loves, then he loves the one he's with!" And that kind of person is very poor husband material.
DEAR ABBY: At 29, I guess I could be considered a late bloomer when it comes to dating. I'm trying to figure out how it all works and how to start meeting potential partners. I'm painfully shy around men, but am considering the option of joining some kind of group activity to broaden my acquaintances.
The idea of online dating seems much less threatening, and I know couples who have met that way. However, some of my co-workers have told me that online dating would be degrading and would put me -- and my emotions -- at greater risk than traditional dating. What would you advise? -- DATING ROOKIE
DEAR DATING ROOKIE: You should do both. Joining one or more group activities will give you a chance to polish your social skills and learn to relax around men. And considering the fact that you're starting late, it's a skill that may take a little time to acquire.
You should also check out the Internet social and dating sites. Meeting people online is not degrading, and I have not only heard from readers who met online and married, but also know personally several couples who met that way and are very happy together.
DEAR ABBY: What is the word on men wearing baseball caps into a fairly nice restaurant and not taking them off? I think it is rude, and ruder still for them -- and women are guilty of this too -- to dress like they just finished mowing the lawn. How do you feel about this? -- DRESSED UP IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR DRESSED UP: People who wear baseball caps in upscale establishments show a lack of pride in their appearance and an ignorance of good manners. In an effort to promote business, many restaurants have relaxed or done away with their dress codes.
Because there is nothing you or I can do to change it, rather than let it ruin your dining experience, you have two choices: Direct your attention only to what's going on at your own table, or patronize a restaurant that has a stricter dress code.
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