For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ACTS OF KINDNESS CAN MAKE OUR WORLD SEEM LESS SCARY
DEAR ABBY: "Missing the Old Days in Arizona City" (May 8), the mother of a small child, wondered how parents can feel safe raising kids in a world that is "crazy and scary." I, too, worry about the state of the world today, but find comfort in my children and in the fact that I am trying to raise them to be among the "good guys."
When I was a brand-new mom, I was in an elevator with two teenage boys. When the door opened, one of the boys stated to get off first. The other boy put his arm in front of his friend and motioned for me to go ahead. I was moved by his simple gesture of thoughtfulness and good manners. I thanked him and asked him to also thank his mother for me, for doing such a wonderful job raising such a polite young man. I promised myself that day that I would raise my children (I now have three) to be like him.
Please tell "Missing the Old Days" there is good everywhere. She just needs to look for it and to always acknowledge polite gestures so her children and others can see that there is still civility in this "scary place" we call home. -- MARGIE IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR MARGIE: I like the way you think. As more people respond to each other with kindness, we create a more positive world in which to live, one good deed at a time. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am so tired of people talking about how civilization is falling apart. Human history is filled with senseless acts of violence that I am sure predate the written word. I think that because the media today are able to bring us violence from across the globe, it appears to be more prevalent.
You cannot live your life in fear of what might happen. You can only do your best to prevent bad things from happening to yourself and to others. Stand up and say "That's not right" when you see something "bad" happen. Only through our own actions can we change the world we live in. -- PHILLIP IN BATTLE CREEK
DEAR ABBY: I, too, get discouraged by the negativity portrayed by the media. But I've found that volunteering is a great way to find renewed faith in humanity. Even if it's just an hour or two a month at a shelter or a local organization, it is uplifting to come together with others who are also trying to do good. -- WILLING TO HELP IN GRANITE CITY, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice. My husband and I have a 13-month-old son. Like any loving parent, I want to provide a better world for him and all other children. We make choices in our lifestyle that foster a safe and loving environment. We limit TV, treasure our family time, and protect him from exposure to anything we deem inappropriate for his age.
I want to show my son that even though bad things happen, each of us has the power to help others. Our children learn these important lessons through our example.
Rather than despair about news that often makes me want to cry, I have decided to take action. I want to do everything I possibly can to improve the world my child will inherit and teach him how to take care of it when it's his turn. -- A MOTHER AND TEACHER IN VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.
Husband's Hairdresser Is Getting Under Wife's Skin
DEAR ABBY: For the past 25 years, my husband, "Don," has had his hair cut by a woman I'll call "Barber-Ella." She's slim, attractive and full of energy. Don has mentioned that she often pats him on the leg and kind of flirts with him.
We have been married 35 years, and I've never had a reason to mistrust him. Our life hasn't been a bed of roses. We have a 30-year-old disabled daughter who lives with us. I have rheumatoid arthritis, which causes me pain and saps my energy. The medication has made me gain weight in my belly and face, and I feel unattractive.
Barber-Ella seems to have a lot of influence on Don. She persuades him to buy certain products, and once talked him out of a medical procedure "because it went wrong for a friend." Recently he told me she has been telling him dirty jokes and using four-letter words in the telling. Don says, "She likes to see how red my ears get." Although she is married, I'm not convinced that's all she's up to.
I feel this woman's behavior is inappropriate. Does this have more to do with my own insecurities than with her? Why does she do this? Should I ask him to change stylists? Should I call her and ask when she'll be adding lap dances to her services?
I don't want to put Don on the defensive or make it seem like I don't trust him. Please give me your opinion because I'm losing perspective. -- REALLY UPSET IN ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR UPSET: Gladly, and here it is: Your husband has been Barber-Ella's client for 25 years. She probably flirts with him because she thinks he likes it. (Her other male clients may also find it flattering.) As to the jokes, she may tell them because she heard them from other clients, thinks they're funny and is trying to entertain him. If any of this posed a threat to you, your husband would not tell you about it.
I'm a strong believer in patterns of behavior. Unless your spouse is getting more haircuts than he needs and his time is unaccounted for, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of four girls. I share a room with my sister, "Noelle," who is the next-to-the-youngest. We fight a lot. Recently, during an argument, Noelle told me our oldest sister told her our parents only had me because Dad wanted to try "one more time" for a boy. She said Dad was disappointed that I was a girl and wished they hadn't had a fourth kid.
I don't know if this is true. My sister could have said it to be mean. It makes sense, though. I mean, what man wouldn't be hoping for a boy after three girls? It hurts me to think that I wasn't really wanted.
I love my dad, and I think he loves me, but I always did have the feeling that he was somehow disappointed in me and loved my older sisters more. I'm afraid to talk to him about it for fear of finding out that it's true. What should I do? -- HURT IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR HURT: If you're afraid to talk to your father, then you should tell your mother what Noelle said. It was nasty, calculated to hurt, and I'd be very surprised if there was any truth to it.
Let's look at it logically. If that were true, then it would apply to sister No. 2 and Noelle -- not just you. Not every man longs for a son. Some are very happy to be surrounded by women and the center of attention.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Silence During Pledge Is Not a Sign of Disrespect
DEAR ABBY: Would you please tell your readers that not reciting or participating in the Pledge of Allegiance does NOT mean that someone is a "bad American"?
For religious reasons, I cannot say the Pledge. I sit quietly while it's recited, but unfortunately, others can't keep quiet about my silence. They make a scene and begin interrogating me -- especially at sporting events. Others have better manners, but still insist that I stand in "respect" -- but standing IS participating.
Abby, I have been punched, kicked, cursed at and spat upon, often in front of my children. People scream about their war records or their soldier relatives. Well, I have kin "over there," too. Please do not assume that non-participants are bad people. They might even be Canadian! -- SILENT SUPPORTER, BENSON, N.C.
DEAR SILENT SUPPORTER: Thank you for a letter that may educate those who do not understand that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance does not automatically make them more patriotic -- or better Americans -- than those who do not. Physically or verbally attacking someone because the person doesn't conform is not a sign of patriotism. It's a symptom of intolerance, and should get the guilty parties tossed out of the events.
For anyone who may not already know, Quakers do not take oaths -- even in courts of law -- nor do they salute religious symbols. The person remaining silent (and seated) when the Pledge is recited could also be a member of a religion outside the Judeo-Christian matrix, or even a member of a certain sect of Buddhism.
Dear Abby advice for the day: When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.
DEAR ABBY: I am in desperate need of your wisdom. Recently I went out of my way to help my sister get a very good job. She's always down on her luck and seems to get laid off for no good reason.
Well, now that she's working with me, it's crystal clear why she can't keep a job more than a few months. She's in her late 20s, but acts like she's still in high school. Each morning she describes every intimate detail of her adventures from the night before. She calls in sick frequently, then goes on and on about her health conditions, most of which are so far-fetched they are impossible to believe.
I have tried to speak casually with her about saving her stories for break time, but she doesn't "get it." Now there are rumors that she will be fired soon. Because we don't work in the same area of the office, I figured I was OK, but today I overheard co-workers discussing what a mess she was. How do I protect what is left of my credibility and fix this nightmare? -- HUMILIATED IN OREGON
DEAR HUMILIATED: Your sister appears to be not only immature, but also suffers from an exaggerated need to be the center of attention. Her work ethic could also use some retooling.
While she may be an embarrassment to you, she is not a reflection on you or your career. When she's gone -- and if the rumors you're hearing are accurate, you should start the countdown now -- speak privately to your bosses and apologize for any inconvenience your sister has caused them. That's all you owe them.
If your sister should ask, and only if, then tell her why she was let go. But casually hinting around won't change her, and she may have to learn these lessons the hard way.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)