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Life Has Gone to the Dogs for Wife in Supporting Role
DEAR ABBY: "Ben" and I have been married for two years. His dog, "Lucky," adores him. The problem is, Lucky bites me every time I get near Ben, especially when we are trying to get intimate. If we lock Lucky out of the room, he barks frantically the whole time. So much for romance.
Ben refuses to get rid of Lucky. He has told me that if the dog goes, he goes -- and he means it. I want a normal life with my husband, but he has chosen his dog over his wife. Can you offer any solution? -- ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY IN OHIO
DEAR ONCE BITTEN: I'll try. Your husband is an irresponsible pet owner. He has allowed Lucky to become "top dog" in your household by permitting the animal to control HIM rather than vice versa.
Tell him that if he wants to "get lucky," he is going to have to assume control of his dog. This will take the assistance of a qualified dog trainer or other animal behavior specialist and should be done immediately because "once bitten" is once too often.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 16, and my 13-year-old stepsister, "Cindy," is mentally retarded. She stays here every other weekend, and it's embarrassing when I have friends over. We don't have an extra room, so my mom and stepfather make me share a room with her.
Cindy is obsessed with me. She won't leave me alone the whole weekend and follows me around asking stupid questions. She also stares at my body when I get undressed, which makes me uncomfortable. I'm not modest and undress in front of other girls, but I don't like being stared at. She also can't keep her hands off my stuff.
I have been spending the night at a friend's as often as I can to get away from her. But now my mother and stepfather say I can go on sleepovers only on weekends Cindy is not here. They say she misses me and seems hurt that I'm not here to be with her. They say Cindy cried last weekend because she thinks I don't love her.
Well, duh! I've never even LIKED her. She is supposed to be here spending "quality time" with her father, not me, so shouldn't I be able to get away rather than have her drive me crazy the whole time? -- FED UP IN LANCASTER, PA.
DEAR FED UP: You are obviously very angry, but you're aiming it in the wrong direction. None of this is your stepsister's fault. Cindy is a little girl mentally, and she idolizes you. She may be slow, but she isn't stupid. She recognizes rejection when she sees it.
I recommend a compromise. You should not have to entertain your stepsister every single time she visits. While it would be caring and compassionate to spend time with her, you should not be forced into it. Keeping her occupied should be your parents' responsibility.
An adult should advocate for you in this matter. If my reply is sufficient, show it to your mother and stepfather. If it isn't, then enlist the help of another adult to talk to them with you.
DEAR ABBY: Singing is my one true passion. However, whenever I sing, my friends make fun of me. One of my friends did compliment me, but I'm not sure I completely believe her. My choir director says I have a beautiful voice, but how can I tell if she's just being nice? -- UNSURE IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR UNSURE: Ask her if you can sing a solo.
Know It All Husband Needs a Word to the Wise From Wife
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Frannie," and I are both professionals, married to men who are complete opposites. My husband, "Grady," is a blue-collar guy who never attended college. He has many wonderful qualities, but lacks self-esteem. He has a good, stable job and is more "street smart" than "book smart."
Frannie's husband, "Austin," has a graduate degree and a professional career. He is also a "know-it-all" who loves to flaunt his knowledge to everyone, especially to Grady. This makes my husband feel insecure and makes it difficult for us to be around Austin and Frannie.
I have told my sister how we feel. She says I need to talk to Austin about it. If I do, it will cause a huge argument. I just wish Austin could be a little less boastful and a bit more humble. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? -- FRANNIE'S KID SIS
DEAR KID SIS: Before I offer any, has it occurred to you that Austin may be even more insecure than your husband, and your sister is a wimp? It is not your "job" to teach her husband social behavior -- that's what a loving wife does when her husband does something obnoxious. And Austin's behavior falls into that category.
Perhaps, if you point this out to Grady, it will help him feel less insecure around his windbag of a brother-in-law. Educated people who feel good about themselves do not have to show others how smart they are. In fact, they are so adept at sharing their knowledge that they can converse with anyone on any level without the person feeling talked down to.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of marriages where the husband and wife merely tolerate each other and have little emotional connection? In our situation, my wife seems to accept that our marriage "just is," but I feel that marriage should offer more.
I would press for a divorce except for the fear of making matters worse. In this case, no children are involved. It's doubtful that counseling would change a thing. Do we just stick it out after 25 years of marriage? -- LOVELESS IN GEORGIA
DEAR LOVELESS: Marriages in which the spouses "merely tolerate each other with little emotional connection" are called marriages of convenience. I'm sad to say they are not uncommon. Some couples who have drifted apart have been able to reconnect through a program called Retrouvaille, which began in 1977 in Canada. Although it is Catholic in origin and orientation, it is open to all married couples regardless of their religion.
I have mentioned Retrouvaille in my column before. It consists of a weekend, plus a series of 12 presentations that take place over the following three months. The program is run by three married couples and a priest. The "team couples," all of whom have experienced disillusionment, pain and anger in their own marriages, share their personal struggles, reconciliation and healing.
Before you decide whether to continue living in an emotional desert or chuck the marriage entirely, ask your wife to attend a Retrouvaille weekend with you. It might be the spark you need to get your relationship going again, and it has worked for many other couples. For information on programs in your area, call toll-free 1-800-470-2230 or visit www.retrouvaille.org.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Hypochondriac's Sad Song Becomes an Irritating Refrain
DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with a hypochondriac? My brothers and I lost our dear mother to cancer when we were in our teens. Daddy has recently been diagnosed with a pernicious form of melanoma, which has a low survival rate.
Our father has been married to his second wife, "Doris," for 20 years. Doris is a textbook hypochondriac. She denies it, of course, and insists that her health is bad. So bad, in fact, that she didn't see the irony of telling my sister-in-law, who was undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma, that "no one understands what it's like to live with a chronic condition." Doris was referring to her allergies!
Now Daddy is battling cancer. He and Doris came to visit his three children and multiple grandchildren. Doris talked about her head cold the entire visit, and our time with Daddy was cut short because she needed to be driven back to the hotel. (No one else could detect her symptoms.)
I'm sure Doris loves my father, and after 20 years of marriage, they're certainly used to each other. But now that Daddy is facing death, I'm having trouble supporting Doris' emotional needs because her hypochondria is so irritating. Still, Dad wouldn't want us to abandon his second wife, despite her psychosomatic quirks. What do you suggest? -- NEEDS HELP UP NORTH
DEAR NEEDS HELP: You can try talking Doris out of her hypochondria until you're blue in the face, but it will only make her try harder to convince you that she's sick -- so stop trying. Instead, every time you see her, tell her she looks TERRIBLE; you've never seen her look worse. It's what she's "dying" to hear, and she'll love you for it!
DEAR ABBY: My women friends have all known each other more than 25 years. One of our group, "Dottie," (age 76) was a very astute businesswoman when she worked with us years ago before we all retired.
About three years ago, Dottie began behaving oddly. She couldn't remember what she ordered at lunch in a restaurant and lied to us about bizarre things. (She claimed her doctor made a house call in the middle of the night and gave her an IV.) She also became argumentative. Recently she has withdrawn from our group dates.
Now she no longer answers her phone and, on the rare occasion that one of us has gotten hold of her and offered to come over, she refused to answer the door.
Dottie is quite wealthy. She likes to drink at her neighborhood bar every night, and once when one of us called, we heard a man in the background saying, "That's enough. Hang up now," which she did.
We're concerned because Dottie has no family, and there's no one to contact. We're worried about her. What options do we have? Is there anyone we can contact in order to help her? -- WORRIED IN NEW YORK
DEAR WORRIED: Because Dottie appears to have become not only forgetful and delusional but also reclusive, you have reason to be worried. While her entertaining a male guest -- or having a boyfriend -- is a good sign, when that person takes over her life and isolates her, that's another cause for concern.
Because Dottie has no family, contact your nearest Area Agency on Aging (it's listed in the phone directory) or the Department of Social Services, and tell them what's going on. A social worker should be able to determine if your friend is in trouble, and get her the help she needs if she is.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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