Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Firm Message, Kind Manner Deters Persistent Solicitors
DEAR ABBY: "Hounded in British Columbia" (May 22) asked you how to discourage religious solicitors. What many people may not realize is that once you accept a piece of literature or have a long conversation with the person, that person will note your name and address so they can "return visit" you. Then not only will you be visited by others in their religion, but the person who gave you the literature will start calling on you regularly, hoping to engage you in future religious conversations and Bible study.
The most effective way to discourage these visits is to politely state you're not interested as quickly as possible. Do not take any literature or engage in any discussion if you don't want them to return. You should also tell them to note on their "territory card" that you want no more calls at your house in the future. This can be done kindly and with a smile. -- DOOR KNOCKER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DOOR KNOCKER: Thank you for the inside information. Requesting that you be placed on the "No Call" list seems simple enough and can be done politely. The solicitors are supposed to honor the request of those who ask not to be called on anymore. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was faithful going door-to-door representing my church. And I agree that people have to be firm with someone who is truly hounding them. These solicitors believe they are doing the will of God and are taught that they may be "persecuted" for their faith. Some are chastised for not doing enough "soul searching," as they call it.
I can no longer stand going door-to-door, but people who do it deserve respect and a straightforward answer. -- FORMER RELIGIOUS SOLICITOR
DEAR FORMER RELIGIOUS SOLICITOR: Then it's clear to you how offended some people become when some solicitors won't take "no" for an answer. Many readers offered solutions to handling the intrusion -- including humor. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: May I share my method? As soon as I heard the words "Jehovah's Witness," I simply said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't see the accident," and closed my door. -- AMY IN THE SOUTHWEST
DEAR ABBY: I told the solicitors I would gladly listen to everything they had to say for 50 minutes, and I charge only $40. Cash, please. As first they were confused, but I explained that this is what my time is worth. They not only went away, they never returned. -- JUDY IN NEVADA
DEAR ABBY: We hung this sign on our front door, "We love our vacuum, we've found God, and we gave at the office!" This worked for us. -- LESLIE IN THE WEST
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine had a unique solution to dissuade religious visitors from dropping by. She told them she was a practicing witch. She said they couldn't leave fast enough. -- CINDY IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I got those unwelcome visitors every few weeks. We told them politely we weren't interested, but they kept returning. One day, the bell rang as I was getting out of the shower. I answered the door wearing only a towel, stepped back, spread my arms and did my best imitation of Bob Barker, "COME ONNN INNN!"
They jumped back and beat a hasty retreat. When my wife came home she said it was an awful thing to do ... but we were never bothered again. -- UNREPENTANT IN RIDGECREST, CALIF.
MAN WHO HATES ENGAGEMENT RINGS PROPOSES ANNUITY INSTEAD
DEAR ABBY: I despise wearing rings, which is a problem because I plan to become engaged. I'm OK with a plain wedding band, but baubles on appendages interfere with useful work and creativity, and they turn me off.
I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs. I don't want to insure it, deal with it if she loses it, or know I caused her to be injured if a thug tried to steal it. If I give it to her, she'll want to wear it. She doesn't need an ornament to prove she's special or loved.
What can I use in lieu of an engagement ring? I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful. The thought of a $10,000 ring on a hand that belongs to a productive and intelligent working woman suggests self-indulgent exhibitionism.
I know I'm fighting an uphill battle, but my feelings are valid to me. I feel the same when I see rings in the workplace and socially. Why not just duct-tape a $1,000 bill to your forehead if you want to call attention to yourself? Any ideas? -- PRACTICAL IN DENVER
DEAR PRACTICAL: Before you pop the question, be absolutely sure you and your lady have a meeting of the minds on this subject. Candidly, from the tone of your letter you come across as rigid, opinionated and controlling. While you are entitled to your biases, if you marry an "intelligent and productive working woman," she should be able to decide for herself what kind of jewelry is appropriate.
Also, I find it sad that you would rather keep an expensive heirloom ring hidden in a safety deposit box than have your lady enjoy it -- presuming, of course, that it's her taste and she WOULD enjoy wearing it. So if you're looking for ammunition in arguing this with your girlfriend, I'm sorry, but you have asked the wrong columnist.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorcee, dating a man I'll call "Jack," who has been separated from his wife for three years. We've known each other two years and have been intimate for 11 months now.
Jack's daughter is being married in Mexico in two months. I have met both his adult children; they seem happy he is finally in a relationship. The problem is, Jack hasn't invited me to the wedding.
Jack attended my son's wedding with me last summer. It was 1,500 miles away. I had no problem taking him there.
Jack says he isn't divorced because he doesn't want to "pay the cost" of one -- although he does have a separation agreement. He's very tight with money. I don't plan to remarry, so the divorce thing isn't really an issue with me. I suspect he wants to avoid the stress of revealing our relationship to his former wife, who left him after 25 years of marriage.
I feel Jack is still living in the past, and I'm considering ending the relationship because of it. He's a wonderful, caring person, but he has a secretive side that I have a hard time dealing with. Help me to see the light. -- TROUBLED IN TORONTO
DEAR TROUBLED: Allow me to share an insight. Secretive people usually have something to hide. You refer to Jack's wife as his "former" wife, but she's not. They are still married, and whether Jack's reason for maintaining the status quo is financial or emotional, he's not ready or willing to cut the strings.
It's time for a frank talk with your "wonderful, caring" lover because he has set a precedent for what you can expect in the future. And if this spells the end of the romance, I don't think you will have lost much.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FRIENDS REFUSE TO PLAY THEIR PART IN DRAMA QUEEN'S ILLNESS
DEAR ABBY: I'm afraid my best friend's daughter, "Kami," may have Munchausen syndrome. People with this condition consciously fake the symptoms of a physical disorder.
Kami is 30, a former nurse, and married with a toddler. She lives to be sick. She is always in the emergency room for something. Kami often claims she has cancer and is dying. In fact, she recently told me proudly that she had "died" twice. Ladies from her church clean her house and bring her meals because they think she's at death's door, yet Kami and her husband are planning a water-skiing and snorkeling vacation.
Kami's husband and parents are extremely protective of her and become defensive if anyone suggests that Kami may not really be physically ill. A sister-in-law who mentioned Munchausen is no longer spoken to.
The final straw for me came when she arrived late to a wedding, making the grand entrance in a wheelchair, and by the end of the night was on her feet swing dancing at the reception.
She's losing friends, because to be friends with Kami means you are completely invested in her illness. Most people are staying away. She exhausts us.
I care for this young woman and her family, but don't know how to help her. Have you any thoughts? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN UTAH
DEAR WORRIED FRIEND: Until Kami's family is ready to recognize that she may have a complex emotional disorder rather than a physical illness and stop enabling her, there will be no help for her.
However, has anyone taken into consideration the effect Kami's endless dramatic crises are having on that toddler? When a parent is continually at death's door, attention that should be devoted to nurturing the child is diverted from where it should be.
Please point THAT out to your best friend. While the truth may not endear you to her, it may be the wake-up call she needs to see that her daughter gets help. Either that, or she can intervene to ensure the child receives the emotional support he or she needs while Mama is having another crisis.
DEAR ABBY: I want to thank all the wonderful people who make biking to work possible. I am a mid-40s professional and never thought I could do this, but I am. My goal was to bike at least once a week to work -- 15 miles each way -- and I have been doing it since May and loving it!
Thank you to the drivers who respect bikers, the municipalities who planned for safe cycling, and the companies that provide showers and lockers. It has been so much fun.
I never thought I could do this because of work schedules, kids' activities and weather, but with a little thought it works. It's good, fun exercise. Help the environment, save energy and get fit, America! -- GEORGE IN MIAMI VALLEY, OHIO
DEAR GEORGE: I'm pleased that you are enjoying your healthy new lifestyle, and I'm all for physical fitness. However, I hesitate to encourage large numbers of people to embrace your challenge until both cyclists and motorists are better educated about the rules of the road.
Communities need to act now to provide safe bicycle lanes and paths for people trying to conserve gasoline. Awareness needs to be raised among drivers about the rights of bikers. The television and print media could be a significant help in this effort, and I hope they'll take the opportunity to inform their audiences.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)