For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN WHO HATES ENGAGEMENT RINGS PROPOSES ANNUITY INSTEAD
DEAR ABBY: I despise wearing rings, which is a problem because I plan to become engaged. I'm OK with a plain wedding band, but baubles on appendages interfere with useful work and creativity, and they turn me off.
I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs. I don't want to insure it, deal with it if she loses it, or know I caused her to be injured if a thug tried to steal it. If I give it to her, she'll want to wear it. She doesn't need an ornament to prove she's special or loved.
What can I use in lieu of an engagement ring? I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful. The thought of a $10,000 ring on a hand that belongs to a productive and intelligent working woman suggests self-indulgent exhibitionism.
I know I'm fighting an uphill battle, but my feelings are valid to me. I feel the same when I see rings in the workplace and socially. Why not just duct-tape a $1,000 bill to your forehead if you want to call attention to yourself? Any ideas? -- PRACTICAL IN DENVER
DEAR PRACTICAL: Before you pop the question, be absolutely sure you and your lady have a meeting of the minds on this subject. Candidly, from the tone of your letter you come across as rigid, opinionated and controlling. While you are entitled to your biases, if you marry an "intelligent and productive working woman," she should be able to decide for herself what kind of jewelry is appropriate.
Also, I find it sad that you would rather keep an expensive heirloom ring hidden in a safety deposit box than have your lady enjoy it -- presuming, of course, that it's her taste and she WOULD enjoy wearing it. So if you're looking for ammunition in arguing this with your girlfriend, I'm sorry, but you have asked the wrong columnist.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorcee, dating a man I'll call "Jack," who has been separated from his wife for three years. We've known each other two years and have been intimate for 11 months now.
Jack's daughter is being married in Mexico in two months. I have met both his adult children; they seem happy he is finally in a relationship. The problem is, Jack hasn't invited me to the wedding.
Jack attended my son's wedding with me last summer. It was 1,500 miles away. I had no problem taking him there.
Jack says he isn't divorced because he doesn't want to "pay the cost" of one -- although he does have a separation agreement. He's very tight with money. I don't plan to remarry, so the divorce thing isn't really an issue with me. I suspect he wants to avoid the stress of revealing our relationship to his former wife, who left him after 25 years of marriage.
I feel Jack is still living in the past, and I'm considering ending the relationship because of it. He's a wonderful, caring person, but he has a secretive side that I have a hard time dealing with. Help me to see the light. -- TROUBLED IN TORONTO
DEAR TROUBLED: Allow me to share an insight. Secretive people usually have something to hide. You refer to Jack's wife as his "former" wife, but she's not. They are still married, and whether Jack's reason for maintaining the status quo is financial or emotional, he's not ready or willing to cut the strings.
It's time for a frank talk with your "wonderful, caring" lover because he has set a precedent for what you can expect in the future. And if this spells the end of the romance, I don't think you will have lost much.
FRIENDS REFUSE TO PLAY THEIR PART IN DRAMA QUEEN'S ILLNESS
DEAR ABBY: I'm afraid my best friend's daughter, "Kami," may have Munchausen syndrome. People with this condition consciously fake the symptoms of a physical disorder.
Kami is 30, a former nurse, and married with a toddler. She lives to be sick. She is always in the emergency room for something. Kami often claims she has cancer and is dying. In fact, she recently told me proudly that she had "died" twice. Ladies from her church clean her house and bring her meals because they think she's at death's door, yet Kami and her husband are planning a water-skiing and snorkeling vacation.
Kami's husband and parents are extremely protective of her and become defensive if anyone suggests that Kami may not really be physically ill. A sister-in-law who mentioned Munchausen is no longer spoken to.
The final straw for me came when she arrived late to a wedding, making the grand entrance in a wheelchair, and by the end of the night was on her feet swing dancing at the reception.
She's losing friends, because to be friends with Kami means you are completely invested in her illness. Most people are staying away. She exhausts us.
I care for this young woman and her family, but don't know how to help her. Have you any thoughts? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN UTAH
DEAR WORRIED FRIEND: Until Kami's family is ready to recognize that she may have a complex emotional disorder rather than a physical illness and stop enabling her, there will be no help for her.
However, has anyone taken into consideration the effect Kami's endless dramatic crises are having on that toddler? When a parent is continually at death's door, attention that should be devoted to nurturing the child is diverted from where it should be.
Please point THAT out to your best friend. While the truth may not endear you to her, it may be the wake-up call she needs to see that her daughter gets help. Either that, or she can intervene to ensure the child receives the emotional support he or she needs while Mama is having another crisis.
DEAR ABBY: I want to thank all the wonderful people who make biking to work possible. I am a mid-40s professional and never thought I could do this, but I am. My goal was to bike at least once a week to work -- 15 miles each way -- and I have been doing it since May and loving it!
Thank you to the drivers who respect bikers, the municipalities who planned for safe cycling, and the companies that provide showers and lockers. It has been so much fun.
I never thought I could do this because of work schedules, kids' activities and weather, but with a little thought it works. It's good, fun exercise. Help the environment, save energy and get fit, America! -- GEORGE IN MIAMI VALLEY, OHIO
DEAR GEORGE: I'm pleased that you are enjoying your healthy new lifestyle, and I'm all for physical fitness. However, I hesitate to encourage large numbers of people to embrace your challenge until both cyclists and motorists are better educated about the rules of the road.
Communities need to act now to provide safe bicycle lanes and paths for people trying to conserve gasoline. Awareness needs to be raised among drivers about the rights of bikers. The television and print media could be a significant help in this effort, and I hope they'll take the opportunity to inform their audiences.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Teens Contemplating Suicide Must Be Thrown a Lifeline
DEAR ABBY: A boy in the grade below me killed himself. I didn't know him very well. He was a 10th-grader and we spoke in passing.
I realize no words in this world can explain a tragedy like this. I can't get past it because I know so many teens think of suicide at one time or another. Is the teen suicide rate higher than ever?
What options are there for teens to avoid getting to this point? Talking to a trusted adult won't work if a young person can't find an adult to trust. What more can kids do when they or a close friend are considering suicide? Please help us out, Abby. I'm afraid my generation is killing itself - - literally. -- SOON-TO-BE SENIOR IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR SOON-TO-BE SENIOR: I'm sorry for the tragic loss of your schoolmate. While it may seem that the suicide rate today is higher than years ago, my experts tell me that this is not the case. What has increased is the degree to which it has been publicized in the media.
If a contemporary should confide in you that he or she is considering suicide, tell that person that you care and are concerned. Under no circumstances should you keep what was said a secret. Tell your parents, a teacher or a school counselor, who can see that your friend gets help. If you feel there is no adult you can trust, then pick up the phone and call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will be saving a life if you do.
DEAR ABBY: Have you any advice for a woman who is married to a perpetual do-gooder? Every time someone asks for help, "Sam" feels he MUST. He's often gone three to five evenings a week after work, and at least once over the weekend. When Sam is home, he's so exhausted from all his activities and late nights that he just sleeps. (By the way, my husband is not the cheating type.)
When I point out that the kids and I need him as much or more than his "charity cases," he promises to cut back. Then he'll get another call for help and automatically says "yes."
If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. -- GOOD NEIGHBOR SAM'S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: While helping others is a virtue, Sam has turned it into something less than noble because his priorities are scrambled. It appears you married someone so hungry for affirmation that he can't say no to anyone.
Spending time with you and the children should be higher on his list. It is time to ask your husband if his do-gooding isn't also a way of avoiding his responsibilities as a husband and father, because the family has been getting the short end of the stick.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's rude for people to park their cars in front of the walkway to our house? My husband thinks I'm being a fussbudget. I say the walk should remain clear in case guests or visitors have mobility problems or are unloading something. -- DONNA IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR DONNA: Unless you are unloading something or have visitors with mobility problems, my advice is to lighten up, lest you be viewed as the neighborhood crank. If the situation changes, I'm sure your neighbors and/or their guests would be happy to move their cars to accommodate you.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)