To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Deadbeat Owners Abandon Pets as Well as Their Homes
DEAR ABBY: I work for a major lending company and have cleaned out foreclosed homes. Too many times, I find animals who have died from exposure or literally starved to death.
My message to homeowners is: PLEASE make arrangements for your pets if you can't take them with you. Once a loan company notifies you of foreclosure, it can be many weeks before someone enters that home. Give your pet a fighting chance! -- DISCOURAGED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR DISCOURAGED: I'm pleased to pass along your important message. If living arrangements change, your family pet should not be abandoned or dumped to fend for itself. Contact a rescue group so the animal can be placed for adoption with another pet lover or a shelter.
DEAR ABBY: I have often read complaints about people who are chronically late, but I have the opposite problem with my friend, "Adele," who is annoyingly early.
If I am hosting a get-together, Adele invariably arrives 45 to 60 minutes before the start time. I am usually making last-minute preparations then and have sometimes not even gotten into the shower yet. If we are going to an event together, Adele will also arrive long before the appointed time, and I feel rushed and rude for ignoring her while I get ready. If I am driving, when I pick her up she's always waiting on her front step as though I am late.
Abby, I am a prompt person. I always try to get to an appointment five to 10 minutes early, or arrive at a party 10 to 15 minutes after the appointed time, which I have been told is good manners. Other than this one issue, Adele and I are close, and I enjoy her companionship very much. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. Am I rude for making her wait, or is she rude for imposing herself on me? -- ON TIME IN GERMANTOWN, WIS.
DEAR ON TIME: It is as rude to arrive very early as it is to show up very late. According to Emily Post's "Etiquette," a person should show up for an appointment (or social engagement) on time or shortly after the time it is scheduled.
Adele may be lonely and hungry for company or have a lot of time on her hands, but you should be good enough friends that you can explain that when she shows up as early as she does, it puts undue pressure on you. And the fact she chooses to wait on her front step to be picked up should not make you feel guilty. It is her preference, and not a reflection on you.
DEAR ABBY: After I ordered at a fast-food establishment, the cashier informed me of the amount of the bill. I had the correct change and placed the money on the counter. She looked at me and told me it was rude to place the money on the counter instead of into her hands. She asked me if I had a problem with handing her the money.
I was offended. Since I have never worked in the fast-food industry, does placing payment on the counter send a negative message? What are your thoughts, Abby? -- BURGER BOY IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR BURGER BOY: I think the cashier may have been having a bad day and was looking for a reason to dump on someone. Whether you placed the cash on the counter or into her hands, your bill was paid, and this is all that matters as long as you were polite to her.
Teacher Treated as Doormat Must Learn to Take Control
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school teacher who has been encountering some problems with my students.
I admit my personality is rather bland. My favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla; my favorite color is beige -- you get the picture. I am also aware that I speak in a monotone. My students won't let me hear the end of it.
I know I should enforce discipline, but I don't seem to have any control over my students. They blatantly ridicule my clothing and my voice. Sometimes I even feel bullied. I try to ignore it, but it doesn't seem to end. The entire class participates and finds it hilarious. What can I do to control my students? -- TRYING HARD IN TENNESSEE
DEAR TRYING HARD: The first thing to do is talk with the other educators in your school about your inability to enforce discipline. They may be able to offer some valuable suggestions. You should also explore whether the school district offers any classes in assertiveness training. If it doesn't, then please give serious consideration to changing careers, because you are not only shortchanging yourself but also the students you have allowed to turn you into a doormat.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old gay man. Five years ago, when I was 18, I became involved with "Jeff," an older married man. My mother worked second shift in a hospital, so I was almost always alone after school. Jeff would spend an hour or two with me three times a week while I was in high school, and spent more time in my apartment when I was in college. He also contributed $6,000 toward my college education.
Now that I have graduated and am working, Jeff has offered me $20,000 as a down payment on a house three doors down from his. He says it's a gift, not a loan. I know there would be no legal obligation to repay him.
I love Jeff, but in five years, when his youngest child is in college, if he doesn't leave his wife, I'll be ready to move on. Would I be ethically obligated to repay him if I left?
Jeff is a very successful businessman. He can well afford to send all five of his children to college, even after having given me this gift. He has told me repeatedly that the last five years with me have been the best years of his life. If I spend another five years with him, he will have had the best 10 years of his life for a $26,000 investment (or about $50 a week). Am I being selfish or smart? -- CLOSETED IN INDIANA
DEAR CLOSETED: Neither. In five years, unless you want to look at yourself in the mirror and see someone who sold himself for $50 a week, do not accept the money and move in practically next door. I will offer the same advice to you that I would to a woman in your position. There is little dignity in being someone's secret lover. And the chances of your being hurt if you accept the money are greater than the payoff you're hoping for.
DEAR ABBY: My husband sometimes does not say goodbye when he ends a conversation on the phone. I feel it is extremely rude, but when I say so, he just jokes about it, which I also consider rude.
What can I do to make my husband realize that he needs to say "goodbye" when ending a phone conversation? -- MIFFED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR MIFFED: OK, your husband isn't perfect. However, it's important to carefully pick your battles in a marriage. If this is your husband's worst flaw, you are lucky. Let it go. I'm sure his finer qualities overshadow this lapse in phone etiquette.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WIFE'S CELL PHONE MYSTERY MAN UNSETTLES HER HUSBAND
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 25 years has been talking on the phone with a married man who lives in a city 300 miles away. They chat for more than an hour a week. Our cell phone bills indicate that this has been going on for more than a year.
I have decided there is nothing to gain by confronting her with this information, but every few months I wonder. She has never talked to me about him. There is no way she has been able to see this man during this time, but I wonder why she hasn't mentioned that she has a "phone pal."
At least she got him to stop calling the house and hanging up when I answered. (She noticed I looked at the caller ID.) Any suggestions? -- SUSPICIOUS IN COLUMBUS
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I sure do. With cell phone statement in hand, ask your wife who she has been talking to for the past year and why she never mentioned it to you. Something IS obviously going on, and you have a right to know the truth. If you aren't satisfied with her answers, call the phone number yourself. The longer you ignore the problem, the deeper in trouble your marriage will be.
DEAR ABBY: For the past week I have been remodeling my home. Workers have asked to use my bathroom, which is a problem for me as I feel it is an invasion of a personal, private space. I feel they should have a porta-potty in their vans or find a public toilet nearby.
Am I wrong? I hate saying "no," but I feel my privacy is stolen. -- PRIVACY, PLEASE, IN MONTANA
DEAR P.P.: Call your contractor and ask that a portable toilet be provided to the workers on your job. However, if that's not possible, rather than telling the people remodeling your house to find a public toilet, I'm advising you to relent. Happy workers do better work, regardless of what field they're in. And when work is being done in my home, I not only allow workers to use the "facilities," I also offer them a cold drink on a hot day. (Hint, hint.)
DEAR ABBY: I just got back from one of the best vacations I have had in my life. It was relaxing, and I had a blast. Do you think it's weird that I went on that vacation alone with my father-in-law?
His son, "Blake," and I have been married for 14 years, and I have been around the family for more than 20. I met Blake when we were both in high school.
Before the trip, Dad and I got negative comments when the upcoming vacation was mentioned. Was it "inappropriate"? Or are the people saying so jealous they don't share a close relationship with their in-laws?
Blake and my mother-in-law were fine with the idea. Dad had fun telling people we met on the trip that I was his "secretary." We laughed about it -- but when we told them I was his daughter-in-law, they looked perplexed.
I love my in-laws as if they were my own parents. What's your take on our vacation? I am 37. -- "BLONDIE" IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA.
DEAR BLONDIE: Your letter is a first. I would have to say the situation is unusual. However, because the trip was taken with your husband's and your mother-in-law's blessing, and nothing untoward occurred -- then "evil be he (or she) who thinks evil of it."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)