For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN PREPARING TO WED IS FEARFUL OF GROWING APART
DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old woman who has been dating my boyfriend for a number of years. As exciting as the thought of marriage sounds, it is also scary. Too many times I have heard that a couple separated because they had "grown apart" or "grew in different directions."
How does a couple go about preventing this from happening? There have to be things we can do to protect ourselves against this -- but what are they? Your advice would be appreciated. -- SKITTISH IN MAPLE GROVE, MINN.
DEAR SKITTISH: Couples grow apart when they stop talking and listening to each other, when they fight instead of disagree, and when they forget the reasons they married in the first place. They also run into trouble if they're not on the same page before marriage about how to handle money, whether they are sexually compatible, and how their children should be raised.
Premarital counseling is helpful in bringing out these issues, and some churches now insist upon it. Intelligent people get to really know each other before taking the leap, as you and your boyfriend have already done. However, even longtime couples need to make sure they have all their cards on the table before embarking on the sea of matrimony, and to fully recognize they cannot change the other person.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Amanda," I met last year at school. I consider her my best friend, and people comment on how we're always together.
Amanda's family doesn't have much money, so when she tells me she's broke I don't hesitate to give her money. I have bought her meals and movie tickets, too. It wouldn't bother me if she ever said a simple "thank you" or "please" to me.
My parents have noticed it, too. They are annoyed that Amanda has never thanked them for letting her spend the night. My dad recently commented that it's rude that she never says "hello" to him when he comes home and she is there.
What can I do about Amanda's manners? Am I wrong to be bothered by her lack of them? I don't want to lose her as a friend, but it's something I can't seem to let go.
-- LITTLE MISS MANNERS
DEAR L.M.M.: More is lacking in Amanda's household than money. Think about it. Where did you learn the basic social graces? From your parents, of course. The reason for Amanda's poor manners is that she was never taught otherwise.
Have a talk with your friend and explain what the rules are in your household. You don't have to be mean when you do -- and you'll be doing her a favor.
DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print helpful hints from readers, and mine could possibly save some families from incurring an expensive plumbing repair.
I have been married and divorced twice. As a younger man, my wives and I always flushed our cigarette butts down the toilet when in the bathroom. One day, we had a serious plumbing problem -- our toilet overflowed. After getting the plumbing bill we found out all the cigarette filters had eventually closed up our sewer line. It was a costly lesson I hope other smokers will heed -- and I'm not even mentioning the risk of cancer. -- SMARTER NOW IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR SMARTER NOW: I won't mention the subject of cancer either. Thank you for your helpful suggestion, as well as the reminder that toilets were not intended for the type of butts you were flushing.
Volunteers by the Thousands Help to Make America Great
DEAR ABBY: On April 11 you asked what your readers think is right with American society. I'll bet you were inundated with responses to that question, and I hope you allow me to be one of those who answer it.
Here in Orange County, Calif., there are more than 5,000 volunteer organizations, supporting everything from the arts to zoos. Thousands of people give their time and money to help others and provide benefits to their community. And this is just one American county. If we counted the number of active volunteers in America doing good works, I'm sure the number would be in the millions. That is just one of the things that we're doing "right."
-- DIANE J., LAGUNA NIGUEL, CALIF.
DEAR DIANE: Your hunch was on the money. I was swamped with letters and e-mails from readers wanting to contribute their thoughts. Today I'll share a sample, because I know they will bring a smile. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: What's right with our society? I believe it's our young people. I have been a church youth leader for 30 years. It's the most rewarding job in the world! Their willingness to share their love of life is exciting. They actively offer their opinions, and they have good ideas to express. This world needs color and variety, and I believe our youth are our hope for the future. -- JOHN T., SPRINGFIELD, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: I'm thankful for the Bill of Rights that has insured the freedoms we take for granted. I appreciate the safety net of Social Security that is in place for the disabled, the elderly and the orphaned. I'm grateful that medical technology reaches out to people whether in a big city or an isolated farming community. I applaud a process that allows voters to be informed about the ideas, policies, achievements and opinions of those seeking elected office.
But most of all, I'm thankful that transitions in our society which happen almost daily occur without violence or military intervention. It gives me hope for my grandchildren's future in a peace-loving country.
-- MARIE D., VERMILLION, S.D.
DEAR ABBY: I'm grateful to live in the United States, where I am free. I'm free to speak and move around the country. I am free to choose whom I elect as president without fear of suppression. I am free to choose my religion. I am free as a woman, not an entity that someone owns and dictates to.
Yes, we have our problems that need to be addressed. And now is the time for our voices to be heard. It IS "We" the people. -- GRATEFUL IN O'FALLON, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: I am a high school student in Lake Crystal, Minn. What's right about American society is our compassion. Not only do we help other countries in times of crisis, but we also care about our fellow Americans. Having family around the Twin Cities during the 35-W bridge collapse, my mind was at ease. I knew if I had family members in the collapse, they would be helped because I live in a country where people are born with the instinct to help others during a disaster. -- EVER HOPEFUL
DEAR ABBY: In our society we have the freedom to be whoever we want to be. The only thing holding anyone back in this country is him- or herself. -- KATHERINE IN RALEIGH, N.C.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married seven years and have two sons, ages 1 and 3. Something is bothering me that didn't before -- Robert's driving. My husband speeds, tailgates, honks his horn to make others go faster and uses racial epithets. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of not trusting him or says I'm looking for something to complain about.
I am concerned for our safety and the impact Robert's behavior has on our sons, not to mention my worry about road rage. If either of our mothers drove with us they would cringe. What can I do? -- ROAD BULLY'S WIFE IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WIFE: You are right to be concerned. Your husband is setting a terrible example for the children. His behavior behind the wheel could cause an accident or worse.
Drivers who behave the way he does are often using their vehicles as an outlet to vent anger or frustration about other things than the flow of traffic. Your husband appears to be unhappy about something, and it's important for both of you to get to the bottom of it before he hurts someone, or someone in your family gets hurt.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ollie," and I have been married three years, together for almost six. Everything is going well, but his parents are a problem. They pressure us to visit them whenever we have time off. They live on the East Coast and we live in the Southwest, so visiting them is expensive.
Ollie wants to visit them whenever we have time off. I feel once a year is enough. I know he enjoys spending time with his parents, and I hate to have him not go because of me. But I'm beginning to resent my in-laws because I have spent all my vacations with them.
Abby, Ollie and I have never been on a trip by ourselves -- not even a honeymoon. I can't keep doing this. We have no children yet. How am I supposed to deal with it when we do if I'm having a hard time now? Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- STRESSED IN THE SOUTHWEST
DEAR STRESSED: That you and Ollie have never taken a trip alone is sad. It appears he and his parents are so bonded they are unable to let each other go.
Perhaps a compromise is in order. Divide up your vacation time. Suggest that Ollie visit his parents alone, and use the rest of the vacation time to take a trip together.
If you don't assert some independence now, by the time grandchildren start arriving, it will be more difficult to establish family traditions of your own.
You can try getting this message across to Ollie, but you may need the help of a family therapist to convince him to see the light. Please consider it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a "tween" who loves to share stories with my mom. When I tell Mom about my crushes and problems with my friends, I always tell her, "Don't tell Dad, please ..." She says she won't, but I found out that she tells my father everything. I am really embarrassed. Can I trust her anymore? -- LILLI IN THE CITY
DEAR LILLI: Your mother should not have made you a promise and then have broken it. It may have happened because she thought your father had a right to know what was going on with his little girl. That said, there's something YOU should know: A secret is no longer a secret when more than one person knows it.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)