What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: "Robert" and I have been married seven years and have two sons, ages 1 and 3. Something is bothering me that didn't before -- Robert's driving. My husband speeds, tailgates, honks his horn to make others go faster and uses racial epithets. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of not trusting him or says I'm looking for something to complain about.
I am concerned for our safety and the impact Robert's behavior has on our sons, not to mention my worry about road rage. If either of our mothers drove with us they would cringe. What can I do? -- ROAD BULLY'S WIFE IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WIFE: You are right to be concerned. Your husband is setting a terrible example for the children. His behavior behind the wheel could cause an accident or worse.
Drivers who behave the way he does are often using their vehicles as an outlet to vent anger or frustration about other things than the flow of traffic. Your husband appears to be unhappy about something, and it's important for both of you to get to the bottom of it before he hurts someone, or someone in your family gets hurt.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ollie," and I have been married three years, together for almost six. Everything is going well, but his parents are a problem. They pressure us to visit them whenever we have time off. They live on the East Coast and we live in the Southwest, so visiting them is expensive.
Ollie wants to visit them whenever we have time off. I feel once a year is enough. I know he enjoys spending time with his parents, and I hate to have him not go because of me. But I'm beginning to resent my in-laws because I have spent all my vacations with them.
Abby, Ollie and I have never been on a trip by ourselves -- not even a honeymoon. I can't keep doing this. We have no children yet. How am I supposed to deal with it when we do if I'm having a hard time now? Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- STRESSED IN THE SOUTHWEST
DEAR STRESSED: That you and Ollie have never taken a trip alone is sad. It appears he and his parents are so bonded they are unable to let each other go.
Perhaps a compromise is in order. Divide up your vacation time. Suggest that Ollie visit his parents alone, and use the rest of the vacation time to take a trip together.
If you don't assert some independence now, by the time grandchildren start arriving, it will be more difficult to establish family traditions of your own.
You can try getting this message across to Ollie, but you may need the help of a family therapist to convince him to see the light. Please consider it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a "tween" who loves to share stories with my mom. When I tell Mom about my crushes and problems with my friends, I always tell her, "Don't tell Dad, please ..." She says she won't, but I found out that she tells my father everything. I am really embarrassed. Can I trust her anymore? -- LILLI IN THE CITY
DEAR LILLI: Your mother should not have made you a promise and then have broken it. It may have happened because she thought your father had a right to know what was going on with his little girl. That said, there's something YOU should know: A secret is no longer a secret when more than one person knows it.
Cheating to Get Ahead Only Puts Student Further Behind
DEAR ABBY: I am 12 and have bad problems at school. Whenever I'm behind, can't figure out a problem or just want to get it done, I cheat.
I'm home-schooled, and my mom is my teacher, which means the answer books are in my "classroom." I have tried to stop, but some-times I can't resist the temptation.
I have asked Mom to lock away the answer books, but she won't. There-for I continue to cheat. What should I do? -- CHEATER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CHEATER: Quit cheating, reorganize your time, and get extra help with your subjects if you need it. It is vital that you understand that when you cheat, the only person who gets cheated is yourself. Yes, you can "ace" a test -- but if you haven't learned the material, you will eventually pay a penalty.
Take another look at your letter. It contains two errors. At some point you will have to take responsibility for your actions -- and from my perspective, the sooner you do it, the better off you'll be.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a longtime faithful reader who has managed to ruin her marriage. I have been married to "Jim" for three years. We married after a very short courtship and had been generally happy, although I am admittedly insecure.
We bought a house six months ago. At the time, our finances were OK. Then Jim lost his job and had to get one that paid less. He forged on, but I wanted him to find something that paid more because the bills were eating us alive. I also discovered his account was always overdrawn. (We don't have join checking accounts for a reason.)
To make a long story short, when I found out he wasn't being forthright, I got upset. Another overdraft notice came to the house, and I yelled again. Jim didn't come home that night, and now he refuses to take my phone calls or respond to my text messages.
I sent him a message saying I wanted a divorce and didn't want to be married to him anymore, but only because I thought HE wanted out. I folded his things the day I sent it, and when I came home after work I found his keys and wedding band on the kitchen counter -- no note or anything.
I have tried calling to apologize. His sister says he will eventually talk to me "when he's ready." Abby, I love my husband. I would go get counseling if that's what it takes to bring him back and make our marriage work, but I can't if he won't meet me halfway. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -- ADRIFT IN ANDERSON, S.C.
DEAR ADRIFT: Take your cue from your sister-in-law, and give Jim some time to cool off and sort out his feelings. He probably knows you want to reconcile, and the ball is now in his court.
Frankly, it appears that neither of you was ready for the marriage you rushed into. Premarital counseling would have shown you that your attitudes about money were not in harmony. And sending him a message (texting?!) that you wanted a divorce because you thought he wanted out was rash and immature.
IF Jim wants to try again, it is extremely important that the two of you improve your level of verbal communication. However, if he doesn't, you will have to accept it and learn from this painful experience that you can't unring the bell, so choose your words and your tone carefully.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Houseguest Treads Cautiously on Custom of Removing Shoes
DEAR ABBY: I have been wondering about the custom of shoe removal when someone is a guest at the home of the person who practices this custom before entering the house.
When the entryway has several pairs of shoes in plain view, it's obvious the residents remove their footwear before entering the living space. By the way, I am not referring to entering a Japanese home where it is considered disrespectful to leave one's shoes on.
How can a guest handle a situation like this in your standard American home? Is it appropriate to ask if they would like you to remove your shoes? This can be of particular concern to a woman in dressy attire wearing heels or other footwear to complete her outfit. If she removes her shoes, it can ruin the image she's trying to present. Walking barefoot or in stockings could be considering tacky. What is the proper etiquette for these circumstances? -- FOOTLOOSE IN FLORIDA
DEAR FOOTLOOSE: Proper etiquette would be for the hosts to inform prospective guests beforehand about their preference that shoes not be worn inside their home. That way, the person can choose to accept the invitation or not, or dress in such a way that his/her "image" won't be ruined when the shoes come off.
This subject is mentioned in "Emily Post's Etiquette," 17th Edition, by Peggy Post, who says: "While removing your shoes when entering someone else's home isn't typically a part of U.S. culture ... politely asking family, friends and party guests to do so is fine -- especially in locales with long seasons of inclement weather.
"Just make sure you have a stash of comfortable slippers, flip-flops or nonskid slippers or socks for visitors to wear. That way, guests won't feel so uncomfortable about exposing their bare stocking feet. Be careful, though. If you're throwing a more formal party or you don't know your guests all that well, asking them to remove their shoes could be awkward."
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my second year of playing baseball for the Babe Ruth league in my town. I like the sport, but I'm only an average hitter and fielder. I'm not even close to being one of the good players on the team.
My dad puts a lot of effort into trying to make me the best on the team. I try as hard as I can to improve at practice and in the games, but I don't seem to get any better.
One night before Dad went to bed I told him, "I'm sorry I'm not as good as you want me to be." He said, "Don't worry about it. One of these days I'm going to make you into one of the best there is."
I want to be all that my father wants me to be -- and more -- but no matter how hard I try, I just don't have the talent. Should I tell my father that this is the best that I will probably ever get? -- DOING THE BEST I CAN
DEAR DOING THE BEST YOU CAN: Not just yet. Your father may get pleasure from spending the time with you and be unaware of the pressure you're experiencing. Not everyone excels in sports. That's why we have writers, scientists, artists and computer geniuses.
Look at it this way: You were good enough to qualify for the team. Do you still enjoy the game? If it has become a burden, talk to your coach about it. Maybe he can have a talk with your father, and you can share some other activity.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)