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Houseguest Treads Cautiously on Custom of Removing Shoes
DEAR ABBY: I have been wondering about the custom of shoe removal when someone is a guest at the home of the person who practices this custom before entering the house.
When the entryway has several pairs of shoes in plain view, it's obvious the residents remove their footwear before entering the living space. By the way, I am not referring to entering a Japanese home where it is considered disrespectful to leave one's shoes on.
How can a guest handle a situation like this in your standard American home? Is it appropriate to ask if they would like you to remove your shoes? This can be of particular concern to a woman in dressy attire wearing heels or other footwear to complete her outfit. If she removes her shoes, it can ruin the image she's trying to present. Walking barefoot or in stockings could be considering tacky. What is the proper etiquette for these circumstances? -- FOOTLOOSE IN FLORIDA
DEAR FOOTLOOSE: Proper etiquette would be for the hosts to inform prospective guests beforehand about their preference that shoes not be worn inside their home. That way, the person can choose to accept the invitation or not, or dress in such a way that his/her "image" won't be ruined when the shoes come off.
This subject is mentioned in "Emily Post's Etiquette," 17th Edition, by Peggy Post, who says: "While removing your shoes when entering someone else's home isn't typically a part of U.S. culture ... politely asking family, friends and party guests to do so is fine -- especially in locales with long seasons of inclement weather.
"Just make sure you have a stash of comfortable slippers, flip-flops or nonskid slippers or socks for visitors to wear. That way, guests won't feel so uncomfortable about exposing their bare stocking feet. Be careful, though. If you're throwing a more formal party or you don't know your guests all that well, asking them to remove their shoes could be awkward."
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my second year of playing baseball for the Babe Ruth league in my town. I like the sport, but I'm only an average hitter and fielder. I'm not even close to being one of the good players on the team.
My dad puts a lot of effort into trying to make me the best on the team. I try as hard as I can to improve at practice and in the games, but I don't seem to get any better.
One night before Dad went to bed I told him, "I'm sorry I'm not as good as you want me to be." He said, "Don't worry about it. One of these days I'm going to make you into one of the best there is."
I want to be all that my father wants me to be -- and more -- but no matter how hard I try, I just don't have the talent. Should I tell my father that this is the best that I will probably ever get? -- DOING THE BEST I CAN
DEAR DOING THE BEST YOU CAN: Not just yet. Your father may get pleasure from spending the time with you and be unaware of the pressure you're experiencing. Not everyone excels in sports. That's why we have writers, scientists, artists and computer geniuses.
Look at it this way: You were good enough to qualify for the team. Do you still enjoy the game? If it has become a burden, talk to your coach about it. Maybe he can have a talk with your father, and you can share some other activity.
DAUGHTER CHAFES UNDER STRICT CONTROL OF SUSPICIOUS MOTHER
DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school student in the top 2 percent of my class. I'm heavily involved in extracurricular activities. I don't give my mom much to worry about, but she is always "concerned."
She spies on me from the other room while I'm online and has recruited my brother to help her. She has forced me to give her the passwords to my e-mail and Myspace accounts and constantly asks me what I'm doing.
When I'm in my room alone, she repeatedly comes in to ask me what's going on and says I'm not supposed to close my bedroom door. If I do, she will open it without knocking. Abby, even the bathroom door isn't permitted to be locked. If it is, Mom breaks in with a bobby pin, and I'm given the third degree. Nothing is sacred.
Mom has looked for and read my diary. When I question her methods, she responds that she "doesn't want to argue about it."
I have never given her any problems. Is she right to be concerned, or do I deserve better? Please help. I have nothing to myself. -- SPIED ON IN OHIO
DEAR SPIED ON: While I'm all for conscientious parenting, it appears your mom as gone over the top. In her zeal to "protect" you -- even from yourself -- she is acting more like a prison matron than a mother. Because you have given her no grounds for her inability to trust you, I can only wonder what she did as a teen that has made her hyper-suspicious of you.
Is your father in the picture? If so, talk to him about the situation. If not, ask a female relative or the mother of a friend to talk to your mother and explain that when this amount of control is exerted, all it accomplishes is driving the child away. I can't promise it will help her to get a grip, but it might.
DEAR ABBY: Six years before my father was diagnosed with bone cancer, he suffered a severe stroke that left him barely able to communicate. He had always been extremely social, so his inability to talk had been hard on him, but the pain from the bone cancer made it far worse. He no longer enjoyed his favorite music and television shows, and he was frustrated by his inability to communicate. Even visits from loved ones didn't provide much comfort. We were at a loss as to how to ease his suffering and fears.
Then my sister-in-law came up with a wonderful idea. She assembled a collage of pictures from Dad's life. Many were silly, candid shots that would make the average photographer cringe, but they were a visible record of the story of his life. He spent countless hours gazing at the collage with a faraway, happy expression on his face that let us know he was remembering happier times.
After his death we moved the collage to a place of honor in my parents' home, where it continues to remind us all of the wonderful life that was my father's. I'm so grateful to my dear sister-in-law for her stroke of brilliance. It provided immeasurable comfort to Dad during his last days, and continues to bring joy to our family. Perhaps her creative idea will be helpful to others. -- VIRGINIA IN TUCSON
DEAR VIRGINIA: I hope so. By summing up her father-in-law's life in that "pictorial essay," in a sense she gave back to him what his illness had stolen away. And I'm sure it brought him comfort. Thank you for sharing.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Happy Fourth of July, everyone. And to my dear mother, Pauline Phillips, in Minneapolis -- Happy 90th birthday, Mom. You're the one who caused all those fireworks!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Hospice Can Lend Support to Families Facing Grief
DEAR ABBY: "Sad Dad in Arizona" (May 2) wrote that he was concerned because his teenage son didn't want to attend his mother's funeral and preferred to remember her "the way she was."
Please tell Dad to contact his local hospice. Many hospices provide support counseling during this difficult time. We assign a social worker as well as a nurse and chaplain to each family who comes to us.
Hospice is here to help with everything that has an impact on the patient at this time. Please urge that family to get support now and not wait until the end. -- PAM, R.N., HOSPICE OF THE FLORIDA SUNCOAST
DEAR PAM: Your suggestion to seek the assistance of a local hospice is excellent. Readers, to locate your nearest hospice, please visit one of the following Web sites: � HYPERLINK "http://www.hospicenet.org" ��www.hospicenet.org� or � HYPERLINK "http://www.hospicefoundation.org" ��www.hospicefoundation.org�. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was deployed overseas when my grandfather was diagnosed as terminal and passed away. Due to military regulations, I was not allowed to return stateside and attend his funeral.
The last time I saw my grandfather I hugged him goodbye and told him how much I loved him. (He had been like a father to me.) I was spared the grief involved in watching my grandfather buried, so I understand exactly where this young man is coming from in his desire to remember his mother alive, because that is how I remember my grandfather.
Please let "Sad Dad's" son know that while a living memory is a wonderful final memory to have, he will wish forever that he had been there to honor his mother. I'm in exactly the situation that he wishes to be in, and I would trade everything I have to go back and honor my family at the funeral. -- MATTHEW IN PORT GIBSON, MISS.
DEAR ABBY: I wholeheartedly agree with your reply to "Sad Dad." I was 19 when my mother died suddenly. Unfortunately, our father was not sensitive to my feelings and needs or those of my siblings. We were forced to not only attend our mother's memorial, but also to be greeters at the door of the church. Participating in the service did not provide us "closure" but additional trauma.
I fully support "Sad Dad" in allowing his son to decide whether or not he is comfortable attending, and I commend him for putting his child's needs before his own. -- STILL HEALING IN LIVINGSTON, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: Most funeral homes today will videotape the funeral. If the son wants to view it at a later date, it will be available to him. Also, encourage him to keep a journal of his thoughts or to write letters to his mother after she dies. It will help him to express his feelings. A local hospice may have a grief support group for youths that he may or may not wish to seek out.
Encourage him, but don't push. Be sure to have lots of love ready for him when he needs it, and let him do it his way, just as you will have to grieve in your own way. -- ONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE IN IOWA
DEAR ABBY: The statement that "funerals are good for people because they give a sense of closure" has some merit. However, many people do not think an open casket is either necessary or desirable. Tradition, encouraged by an active "funeral industry," perpetuates the practice.
Frankly, I prefer the living memories, and have found memorial services without a casket to be far warmer and uplifting. Do not be overly constrained by tradition; explore what others are doing. -- OLD DOC IN LOS ALTOS, CALIF.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)