CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Happy Fourth of July, everyone. And to my dear mother, Pauline Phillips, in Minneapolis -- Happy 90th birthday, Mom. You're the one who caused all those fireworks!
DAUGHTER CHAFES UNDER STRICT CONTROL OF SUSPICIOUS MOTHER
DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school student in the top 2 percent of my class. I'm heavily involved in extracurricular activities. I don't give my mom much to worry about, but she is always "concerned."
She spies on me from the other room while I'm online and has recruited my brother to help her. She has forced me to give her the passwords to my e-mail and Myspace accounts and constantly asks me what I'm doing.
When I'm in my room alone, she repeatedly comes in to ask me what's going on and says I'm not supposed to close my bedroom door. If I do, she will open it without knocking. Abby, even the bathroom door isn't permitted to be locked. If it is, Mom breaks in with a bobby pin, and I'm given the third degree. Nothing is sacred.
Mom has looked for and read my diary. When I question her methods, she responds that she "doesn't want to argue about it."
I have never given her any problems. Is she right to be concerned, or do I deserve better? Please help. I have nothing to myself. -- SPIED ON IN OHIO
DEAR SPIED ON: While I'm all for conscientious parenting, it appears your mom as gone over the top. In her zeal to "protect" you -- even from yourself -- she is acting more like a prison matron than a mother. Because you have given her no grounds for her inability to trust you, I can only wonder what she did as a teen that has made her hyper-suspicious of you.
Is your father in the picture? If so, talk to him about the situation. If not, ask a female relative or the mother of a friend to talk to your mother and explain that when this amount of control is exerted, all it accomplishes is driving the child away. I can't promise it will help her to get a grip, but it might.
DEAR ABBY: Six years before my father was diagnosed with bone cancer, he suffered a severe stroke that left him barely able to communicate. He had always been extremely social, so his inability to talk had been hard on him, but the pain from the bone cancer made it far worse. He no longer enjoyed his favorite music and television shows, and he was frustrated by his inability to communicate. Even visits from loved ones didn't provide much comfort. We were at a loss as to how to ease his suffering and fears.
Then my sister-in-law came up with a wonderful idea. She assembled a collage of pictures from Dad's life. Many were silly, candid shots that would make the average photographer cringe, but they were a visible record of the story of his life. He spent countless hours gazing at the collage with a faraway, happy expression on his face that let us know he was remembering happier times.
After his death we moved the collage to a place of honor in my parents' home, where it continues to remind us all of the wonderful life that was my father's. I'm so grateful to my dear sister-in-law for her stroke of brilliance. It provided immeasurable comfort to Dad during his last days, and continues to bring joy to our family. Perhaps her creative idea will be helpful to others. -- VIRGINIA IN TUCSON
DEAR VIRGINIA: I hope so. By summing up her father-in-law's life in that "pictorial essay," in a sense she gave back to him what his illness had stolen away. And I'm sure it brought him comfort. Thank you for sharing.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Hospice Can Lend Support to Families Facing Grief
DEAR ABBY: "Sad Dad in Arizona" (May 2) wrote that he was concerned because his teenage son didn't want to attend his mother's funeral and preferred to remember her "the way she was."
Please tell Dad to contact his local hospice. Many hospices provide support counseling during this difficult time. We assign a social worker as well as a nurse and chaplain to each family who comes to us.
Hospice is here to help with everything that has an impact on the patient at this time. Please urge that family to get support now and not wait until the end. -- PAM, R.N., HOSPICE OF THE FLORIDA SUNCOAST
DEAR PAM: Your suggestion to seek the assistance of a local hospice is excellent. Readers, to locate your nearest hospice, please visit one of the following Web sites: � HYPERLINK "http://www.hospicenet.org" ��www.hospicenet.org� or � HYPERLINK "http://www.hospicefoundation.org" ��www.hospicefoundation.org�. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was deployed overseas when my grandfather was diagnosed as terminal and passed away. Due to military regulations, I was not allowed to return stateside and attend his funeral.
The last time I saw my grandfather I hugged him goodbye and told him how much I loved him. (He had been like a father to me.) I was spared the grief involved in watching my grandfather buried, so I understand exactly where this young man is coming from in his desire to remember his mother alive, because that is how I remember my grandfather.
Please let "Sad Dad's" son know that while a living memory is a wonderful final memory to have, he will wish forever that he had been there to honor his mother. I'm in exactly the situation that he wishes to be in, and I would trade everything I have to go back and honor my family at the funeral. -- MATTHEW IN PORT GIBSON, MISS.
DEAR ABBY: I wholeheartedly agree with your reply to "Sad Dad." I was 19 when my mother died suddenly. Unfortunately, our father was not sensitive to my feelings and needs or those of my siblings. We were forced to not only attend our mother's memorial, but also to be greeters at the door of the church. Participating in the service did not provide us "closure" but additional trauma.
I fully support "Sad Dad" in allowing his son to decide whether or not he is comfortable attending, and I commend him for putting his child's needs before his own. -- STILL HEALING IN LIVINGSTON, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: Most funeral homes today will videotape the funeral. If the son wants to view it at a later date, it will be available to him. Also, encourage him to keep a journal of his thoughts or to write letters to his mother after she dies. It will help him to express his feelings. A local hospice may have a grief support group for youths that he may or may not wish to seek out.
Encourage him, but don't push. Be sure to have lots of love ready for him when he needs it, and let him do it his way, just as you will have to grieve in your own way. -- ONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE IN IOWA
DEAR ABBY: The statement that "funerals are good for people because they give a sense of closure" has some merit. However, many people do not think an open casket is either necessary or desirable. Tradition, encouraged by an active "funeral industry," perpetuates the practice.
Frankly, I prefer the living memories, and have found memorial services without a casket to be far warmer and uplifting. Do not be overly constrained by tradition; explore what others are doing. -- OLD DOC IN LOS ALTOS, CALIF.
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Mother of Sex Offender's Baby Must Choose Between the Two
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "Wade" for six years. The situation is this: He has gotten into trouble and can't be around children because he's a registered sex offender. I have an 11-month-old daughter by him. I want to be with Wade and work our relationship out, but if I do, I'll have to give custody of my daughter to my parents and live in my own place with him.
I'm in love with Wade, but I don't know if he loves or wants to be with me anymore despite the fact he keeps saying he wants to be with me. Am I being silly for still wanting to be with him? Your thoughts, please. -- CONFUSED AND TORN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CONFUSED AND TORN: Wanting to be with someone you love isn't silly, but it's time for you to think maturely and realize the consequences of your decision. After six years with Wade, you are still single. You could be single forever.
When you became a mother, life stopped being all about you. Wade is a sex offender. What if you should become pregnant again? Is it fair to your parents to dump your daughter on them like an unwanted pet? What effect could it eventually have on the child? Do you fully understand that what you have in mind will isolate you from relatives and friends who have minor children?
While I can't dictate what you should do with your life, I can say you're heading in the wrong direction. Please step back and rethink this.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are unsure how to deal with this, so he suggested I write to you. We have lovely dining room chairs covered with celadon green fabric. In spite of the fact that I always use cloth napkins (and placemats and tablecloths), several of our guests have left large stains on the upholstery from dropping food or from their dirty hands.
The stains are very difficult to remove when we can get them out at all, and the chairs have become unsightly. Three of our most recent dinner guests left chairs stained. One mark covered most of the seat.
These guests are not heavy drinkers. How can we get them to keep their napkins in a position to avoid this? And how do we get them to keep their soiled hands off the chairs? Judging from the condition of their napkins, they ARE using them. -- UNHAPPY HOSTESS IN FLORIDA
DEAR UNHAPPY HOSTESS: Face it: Accidents happen, and you can't order your guests to wash their hands between courses. You need to accept that a home isn't a photograph in Architectural Digest. Wear and tear are normal.
If your chairs are stained beyond repair, the time has come to re-cover them. In your case, may I suggest Naugahyde the next time around?
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 12 years to the most self-centered man in the world. He's an astute businessman and a good provider, but when he comes home our conversations are always about him. The moment I start talking about things I think are important, he turns on his TV or shushes me.
I have told him many times how hurtful it is. I feel lonely and unimportant when the things I care about are pushed to the side. How can I get him to stop ignoring me? -- THE SILENT PARTNER
DEAR SILENT PARTNER: If after 12 years your husband still won't listen to you, have your lawyer talk to him. That should get his attention.
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