To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Contact With Ailing Granddad Enriches Both Young and Old
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Paw-Paw and Maw-Maw in Alabama" (May 13), whose son has cut off contact with their 5-year-old grandson to "protect" the boy from Grandpa's eventual death, left me feeling intense sorrow for all concerned.
In 1996, my grandfather was ecstatic that I was pregnant and anxiously awaited the arrival of his triplet great-grandchildren. At age 102, he was with us at the hospital when they were born, and remained an integral part of their lives until his death five years later.
We believe Grandpa's loving involvement with the children extended the quality and length of his life. In exchange, the kids' first years were blessed with the special love and adoration of a great-grandparent.
Abby, the day "Paw-Paw's" letter was published, I picked up my now-12-year-olds from school. They told me their writing assignment that day was an essay relating a favorite memory. Be it serendipity, providence or coincidence, two of the triplets had written about "G.G." (Great-Grandfather). One of the stories ended with "although G.G. is no longer with us, he will always be in my heart." -- JAN IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS
DEAR JAN: Thank you for sharing that story. Response to "Paw-Paw's" letter was huge. Many readers wrote to describe the importance of grandparent memories in their lives. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: We lost my father 16 months ago after a long illness. My small children spent two days a week with him and my mother, and were a significant part of the joy in his life.
We never hid his illness from them. We did just the opposite. My son was a great help to his Nana and Pop-Pop, bringing him lunch and helping to move the medical equipment back and forth across the house.
I am convinced that allowing the children to be a part of their grandfather's life through the end of it has given them a sense of compassion and a life skill that all of us will need at some point in our lives. Children grieve, too, and it is our job as parents to help them learn to cope with life's disappointments, not to shelter them from the realities they will face as adults. -- NANCY IN ALLENTOWN, PA.
DEAR ABBY: As a hospice chaplain, I have worked with many children and many levels of maturity. In my experience, it is important to listen carefully to children and let them "self-select." If they seem comfortable or choose to be with a family member who is passing, it is best to let them be there. If it appears to be traumatic or they verbalize that they don't wish to be there, honor that as well and perhaps find a parallel way in which they can share in the transition. And bear in mind that the age of the child does not necessarily indicate his/her preparedness for confronting end-of-life issues. --- ARTHUR IN DERRY, N.H.
DEAR ABBY: Months after my granddaughter Kacie was born in 2000, I found out I have a rare cancer. As long as the medicine I take works, I am fine except for occasional pain. We see Kacie every day, before and after school. I really don't think I would still be here if I couldn't see her. Kacie is the light of our lives and gives me something special to live for. -- GRANDMOTHER IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: When our grandfather died, my sisters and I were upset that we didn't get more time with him. Years later, we found out that our parents had decided to shelter us from his last few weeks of life. This form of "protection" wound up "killing" Grandpa for us, before he was dead.
Please don't do this. Allow them to spend every moment they have left. If you have had love and laughter to the end, you will grieve but with the knowledge that you did all you could to honor Grandpa and preserve his memory. Regret perpetuates itself -- and my parents now realize they did the wrong thing. -- SHEILA IN MANHASSET, N.Y.
Mystery of Autism Begins With Deciding What It Is
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading your June 9 column and am shocked at what I read. Your response regarding autism was way off base. You said, "Autism is a mental health disorder ... some people consider ... to be shameful."
Autism is a neurological disorder, NOT a mental health disorder. Families who have a child with autism have many challenges ahead of them as they try to bring normalcy to their child's life and to their family. I am very surprised that you got this one wrong! Autism is reaching epidemic proportions. These families need support, not misprints. -- MELISSA IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR MELISSA: My thanks to you -- and the many other readers -- who wrote to correct me. After reading the letters and e-mail that came in, I spoke with William Barbaresi, M.D., the chair of the Division of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics and co-director of the Mayo Clinic-Dana Child Development and Learning Disorders Program in Rochester, Minn., who told me that autism is often considered a mental health disorder because it affects behavior, cognitive ability and social skills. However, it is genetically predetermined -- biologically based.
Experts clearly agree that autism is a neurologically based condition. The current criteria used to diagnose autism are contained in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a publication of the American Psychiatric Association. However, this does not mean that autism is a "mental illness." Autism is most accurately described as a "neurodevelopmental disorder."
While there is no cure for autism, intervention and treatments are available. And for the most up-to-date information on effective therapies, interested parties should read "Autism: A Review of the State of the Science for Primary Health Care Clinicians" by going to � HYPERLINK "http://www.archpediatrics.com" ��www.archpediatrics.com� and searching for "autism."
DEAR ABBY: How do you tell friends and family that you're not interested in being fixed up? I'm a male, in my mid-40s, happily divorced for many years and have no desire to remarry.
I raised my children on my own, have a good job and many friends, but no desire to get into a relationship that could lead to more of a commitment than I am willing to make.
My life is good, but I'm constantly bombarded with questions like, "When are you going to get married again?" or, "Why don't you let me fix you up? I have the perfect woman for you." I don't know how to respond to this constant badgering. Please advise. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN OHIO
DEAR T.B.N.T.: Continue telling these well-meaning people you are happy with your life just the way it is, and if they don't get the message, have a T-shirt made that reads "Been There, Done That." You should know, however, that men who are married live longer than those who are single, or perhaps it just seems longer. (Only joking!)
DEAR ABBY: Is there a rule of etiquette regarding how men should wear long hair? My boyfriend's hair isn't long enough to pull into a ponytail, but it's long enough that he is constantly sweeping or shaking it out of his eyes. If we were to go to a funeral or similar ceremonial (or formal) event, what should he do? I need some input. -- HAIR-RAISING QUESTION
DEAR QUESTION: I have two words to offer: hair gel. Many products are available that will tame his mane, and you can find them at your nearest beauty supply store.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife Who Left and Never Came Back Now Talks of Coming Home
DEAR ABBY: Nine months ago, my wife, "Marie," left to go shopping and never came back. She took off leaving me and our three sons, ages 12, 14 and 16, without a word. We had been married 25 years.
We had no contact for the first three months, and she has not helped support the kids in any way. She told no one -- including her family -- that she had left. Friends would see me in public and ask where she was.
Marie has recently started talking about coming home, but I have mixed feelings. I asked why she left. She said she was unhappy and tired of living a lie. What lie? Marie refuses to elaborate.
Two of our sons don't want her back. They felt abandoned when she disappeared. My other son says he doesn't care whether she comes back or not as long as she leaves him alone. I keep remembering the quote, "A house divided cannot stand," and I wonder about us. Please advise me. -- LOST IN THE BIG CITY
DEAR LOST: Under the circumstances, I'd say the feelings you and the boys are experiencing are normal. However, all of you need to come to terms with why your wife and their mother walked out so abruptly. Before she returns, it is important that you understand why she felt that leaving the way she did was her only option.
It will take time for her relationship with the boys to be repaired and for the two of you to rebuild trust. This is not to say that your "house divided" cannot be rehabilitated and even made more storm-proof than before. But don't kid yourselves: It will take work on the part of everyone.
DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, "Tony," is very ill and probably won't make it. It is a terrible tragedy for our family. He will leave behind a bereft wife and children.
During his last crisis I traveled across country to support my daughter, "Janet." My husband, "Doug," isn't Janet's father, and now he says he doesn't want me going to the funeral. He says I have spent enough time on Tony, and my visit was a "waste of money."
He says Janet wanting me there is a ploy -- that she's "playing me." Granted, she had some hard feelings when I divorced her father and married Doug, but we have made up. I feel I need to be at the funeral to support her.
There has been no love lost between Janet and Doug. He does not get along with his own kids from a previous marriage either. But should this interfere with my attending the funeral? Doug says my going would be a betrayal to him and has threatened divorce if I go. How should I handle this? -- TORN IN DES MOINES
DEAR TORN: Although I hate to label anyone, let me point out that by issuing an ultimatum, your husband is behaving like a control freak. If you want this pattern to be repeated until the day one of you dies, stay home and don't attend the funeral.
Let me also point out that a daughter needing all the emotional support she can get as she buries her husband is not a "ploy." It's a cry for help. Your grandchildren might also appreciate having you close.
Your husband is behaving like a petulant child. You have an extremely important decision to make, and it's about a larger issue than the funeral. Only you can decide the right choice for you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)