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Mystery of Autism Begins With Deciding What It Is
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading your June 9 column and am shocked at what I read. Your response regarding autism was way off base. You said, "Autism is a mental health disorder ... some people consider ... to be shameful."
Autism is a neurological disorder, NOT a mental health disorder. Families who have a child with autism have many challenges ahead of them as they try to bring normalcy to their child's life and to their family. I am very surprised that you got this one wrong! Autism is reaching epidemic proportions. These families need support, not misprints. -- MELISSA IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR MELISSA: My thanks to you -- and the many other readers -- who wrote to correct me. After reading the letters and e-mail that came in, I spoke with William Barbaresi, M.D., the chair of the Division of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics and co-director of the Mayo Clinic-Dana Child Development and Learning Disorders Program in Rochester, Minn., who told me that autism is often considered a mental health disorder because it affects behavior, cognitive ability and social skills. However, it is genetically predetermined -- biologically based.
Experts clearly agree that autism is a neurologically based condition. The current criteria used to diagnose autism are contained in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, a publication of the American Psychiatric Association. However, this does not mean that autism is a "mental illness." Autism is most accurately described as a "neurodevelopmental disorder."
While there is no cure for autism, intervention and treatments are available. And for the most up-to-date information on effective therapies, interested parties should read "Autism: A Review of the State of the Science for Primary Health Care Clinicians" by going to � HYPERLINK "http://www.archpediatrics.com" ��www.archpediatrics.com� and searching for "autism."
DEAR ABBY: How do you tell friends and family that you're not interested in being fixed up? I'm a male, in my mid-40s, happily divorced for many years and have no desire to remarry.
I raised my children on my own, have a good job and many friends, but no desire to get into a relationship that could lead to more of a commitment than I am willing to make.
My life is good, but I'm constantly bombarded with questions like, "When are you going to get married again?" or, "Why don't you let me fix you up? I have the perfect woman for you." I don't know how to respond to this constant badgering. Please advise. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN OHIO
DEAR T.B.N.T.: Continue telling these well-meaning people you are happy with your life just the way it is, and if they don't get the message, have a T-shirt made that reads "Been There, Done That." You should know, however, that men who are married live longer than those who are single, or perhaps it just seems longer. (Only joking!)
DEAR ABBY: Is there a rule of etiquette regarding how men should wear long hair? My boyfriend's hair isn't long enough to pull into a ponytail, but it's long enough that he is constantly sweeping or shaking it out of his eyes. If we were to go to a funeral or similar ceremonial (or formal) event, what should he do? I need some input. -- HAIR-RAISING QUESTION
DEAR QUESTION: I have two words to offer: hair gel. Many products are available that will tame his mane, and you can find them at your nearest beauty supply store.
Wife Who Left and Never Came Back Now Talks of Coming Home
DEAR ABBY: Nine months ago, my wife, "Marie," left to go shopping and never came back. She took off leaving me and our three sons, ages 12, 14 and 16, without a word. We had been married 25 years.
We had no contact for the first three months, and she has not helped support the kids in any way. She told no one -- including her family -- that she had left. Friends would see me in public and ask where she was.
Marie has recently started talking about coming home, but I have mixed feelings. I asked why she left. She said she was unhappy and tired of living a lie. What lie? Marie refuses to elaborate.
Two of our sons don't want her back. They felt abandoned when she disappeared. My other son says he doesn't care whether she comes back or not as long as she leaves him alone. I keep remembering the quote, "A house divided cannot stand," and I wonder about us. Please advise me. -- LOST IN THE BIG CITY
DEAR LOST: Under the circumstances, I'd say the feelings you and the boys are experiencing are normal. However, all of you need to come to terms with why your wife and their mother walked out so abruptly. Before she returns, it is important that you understand why she felt that leaving the way she did was her only option.
It will take time for her relationship with the boys to be repaired and for the two of you to rebuild trust. This is not to say that your "house divided" cannot be rehabilitated and even made more storm-proof than before. But don't kid yourselves: It will take work on the part of everyone.
DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, "Tony," is very ill and probably won't make it. It is a terrible tragedy for our family. He will leave behind a bereft wife and children.
During his last crisis I traveled across country to support my daughter, "Janet." My husband, "Doug," isn't Janet's father, and now he says he doesn't want me going to the funeral. He says I have spent enough time on Tony, and my visit was a "waste of money."
He says Janet wanting me there is a ploy -- that she's "playing me." Granted, she had some hard feelings when I divorced her father and married Doug, but we have made up. I feel I need to be at the funeral to support her.
There has been no love lost between Janet and Doug. He does not get along with his own kids from a previous marriage either. But should this interfere with my attending the funeral? Doug says my going would be a betrayal to him and has threatened divorce if I go. How should I handle this? -- TORN IN DES MOINES
DEAR TORN: Although I hate to label anyone, let me point out that by issuing an ultimatum, your husband is behaving like a control freak. If you want this pattern to be repeated until the day one of you dies, stay home and don't attend the funeral.
Let me also point out that a daughter needing all the emotional support she can get as she buries her husband is not a "ploy." It's a cry for help. Your grandchildren might also appreciate having you close.
Your husband is behaving like a petulant child. You have an extremely important decision to make, and it's about a larger issue than the funeral. Only you can decide the right choice for you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
FATHER-IN-LAW EAGER TO HAVE GRANDSON NEEDS REALITY CHECK
DEAR ABBY: At 17, I learned I could never have children. I was devastated. I thought there would never be a "happily ever after" for me. I was wrong. I have been happily married to a wonderful man for four years. I was honest with him about my infertility, and it made no difference to him.
The problem is my father-in-law. Although my husband has two sisters, he is the only son of an only son, and his dad is always pushing the baby issue. He says things like, "If I could only have a grandson before I die," or, "When are you going to get busy and have me a baby?" When I remind him that he has a grandson, he says it doesn't matter. He wants one with HIS last name.
My husband thinks I should just tell his father the truth -- that I can't have children -- but I'm afraid his parents will hate me. It has been seven years since I learned I can't have children, and I still feel an emptiness inside. And just when I think I can't feel any worse, my father-in-law's comments make me feel broken and useless. I could use some advice. -- CHILDLESS IN ARKANSAS
DEAR CHILDLESS: I agree with your husband. The two of you should have a frank talk with his parents. Explain to his father that his comments are hurtful and why. He needs to know the truth. If you are "hated" after that, the problem is theirs -- not yours.
P.S. Even if you could have children, there is no guarantee that they wouldn't all be girls. Big Daddy is overdue for a dose of reality.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Fred," has never been much of a conversationalist, and since he stopped smoking five months ago, his weight has ballooned. We're both elderly and live on a lake, so we're quite isolated, especially during the long winters.
Although Fred sees his doctor regularly, he's stubborn and I doubt that he has told his doctor everything, including the possibility that he's experiencing depression. He sits by the hour and pouts.
This morning, when I tried to carry on a conversation, he refused to look at me. Finally, I said, "Do you want me to stop talking to you?" to which he replied, "Do whatever you want."
Fred has never been easy to get along with, but his pouting is driving me crazy. I go out for lunch with friends occasionally, but because Fred doesn't want visitors here, that's my only respite. Any suggestions? I'm ... READY TO BAIL IN MINNESOTA
DEAR READY TO BAIL: If there is anything unusual about Fred's behavior, it should be reported to his doctor because it could be a sign of dementia or other illness. However, if it is just "more of the same" from this charmer you married, perhaps you should ask yourself seriously whether you're better off with him or without him, and if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.
DEAR ABBY: Why do people write messages such as "Happy Birthday" to dead people in obituary columns in newspapers? I comprehend the idea of memoriams, but to wish someone who has died a happy birthday or anniversary seems ludicrous to me. Will you point this out to your readers and comment? -- MYSTIFIED IN EASTERN MAINE
DEAR MYSTIFIED: I'm printing your letter, but I wish you would open your heart a bit and stop being so judgmental. People often do this because a special occasion such as a birthday or an anniversary makes them long for the person who died. They are still grieving over their loss and want their loved one to be remembered.
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