DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, "Tony," is very ill and probably won't make it. It is a terrible tragedy for our family. He will leave behind a bereft wife and children.
During his last crisis I traveled across country to support my daughter, "Janet." My husband, "Doug," isn't Janet's father, and now he says he doesn't want me going to the funeral. He says I have spent enough time on Tony, and my visit was a "waste of money."
He says Janet wanting me there is a ploy -- that she's "playing me." Granted, she had some hard feelings when I divorced her father and married Doug, but we have made up. I feel I need to be at the funeral to support her.
There has been no love lost between Janet and Doug. He does not get along with his own kids from a previous marriage either. But should this interfere with my attending the funeral? Doug says my going would be a betrayal to him and has threatened divorce if I go. How should I handle this? -- TORN IN DES MOINES
DEAR TORN: Although I hate to label anyone, let me point out that by issuing an ultimatum, your husband is behaving like a control freak. If you want this pattern to be repeated until the day one of you dies, stay home and don't attend the funeral.
Let me also point out that a daughter needing all the emotional support she can get as she buries her husband is not a "ploy." It's a cry for help. Your grandchildren might also appreciate having you close.
Your husband is behaving like a petulant child. You have an extremely important decision to make, and it's about a larger issue than the funeral. Only you can decide the right choice for you.