Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man's Distance From Mother Is Cause for Wife's Concern
DEAR ABBY: My wife thinks I have a problem because I do not have a close relationship with my mother. We go for weeks without talking or seeing each other, and it doesn't bother me. Since I was about 13, my parents were hardly ever around. My mom was a workaholic, and my dad was an alcoholic, so I became totally self-sufficient.
Now I am 21, and I'm not bothered that I have little contact with my mother. I acknowledge that she gave me life, but that's where it ends. I would like to know your thoughts about all this. -- NO REGRETS, SAN ANGELO, TEXAS
DEAR NO REGRETS: It's sad that at such an important time in your life you had no parents to talk to. But this wasn't your mother's fault. With an alcoholic husband -- who I'm guessing had trouble with employment -- and a son to provide for, it's not surprising that she became a "workaholic." It may have been a necessity.
I would be curious to know what kind of relationship you have with your father. While it's regrettable that you have so little communication with your mother, if this has been the pattern that was set since you were 13, it is also understandable. Your wife means well, but she should not "stir the pot."
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have no children but have had two dogs since we became a couple. This year, our two 13-year-old Dalmatians passed away within four months of each other. We are grieving but realize our "children" are in a better, pain-free place.
Our vets and physical therapists played an extremely active role during their lives and after their passing. Although it's their "job," what is the appropriate way to acknowledge the love and extra efforts they put into caring for our dogs? (One vet even gave me her cell number.) -- SORROWFUL IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR SORROWFUL: You could make a donation in their honor to an animal-related cause. However, no tangible item you could give them would mean as much as a personal letter thanking them for their caring, support and professionalism during this difficult time. It's something that could be read and re-read over the years, or even framed. And I'm sure either gesture would be appreciated.
DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and lived with "Mackie" for three years. Although we were not legally married, I referred to him as "my husband."
We have now split up. I refer to this as "the divorce," and the time we were together as "when we were married." My conservative mother seems to understand why I do this. However, others choose to correct me -- rather rudely.
My question is, what would you call this? And what do I say to those who feel the need to tell me how I should attribute an event in my life? -- SINGLE NOW, IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR SINGLE NOW: As much as you loved "Mackie" and "felt" married while you were together, the reality is that you were not legally married. I agree that when couples end their relationships -- married or not -- it is a divorce in the emotional sense. And my Webster's New World Dictionary, Third College Edition, defines divorce as "any complete separation or disunion." So you're half-right. Tell them that the divorce was as painful as if you'd had a marriage license, and let it go at that.
FRIEND ADVISES PUNSTER TO GO SLOW WITH NEW COLLEAGUES
DEAR ABBY: My significant other helped me find a wonderful job with intelligent people. I'm an inveterate punster -- "If I put a leafy green vegetable on the barbecue, will it be chard?"
My friend says I shouldn't share my puns with my new co-workers as it may make them feel stupid and lead them to be mad at me. Is this a problem? Will my co-workers dislike me if they don't get my puns?
Where do Bambi and the other deer go in the forest for sanctuary from hunters? To Deer Abby! -- COMPULSIVE PUNSTER IN CHICO, CALIF.
DEAR COMPULSIVE: Cute. But technically it would be "Deer Abbey." I'm voting with your friend. Humor is risky, so curb the punning until they get to know you better. MUCH better.
DEAR ABBY: Where is it published that "you're welcome" should be replaced with, "No problem"? I never received that memo and, what's more, I don't think it makes sense.
I didn't intend to be "a problem" to anyone in the first place. So why am I not "welcome" now? It seems that parents and children have abandoned all forms of courtesy.
To those who still teach their children good manners, I say, "Thank you," and I hope you'll reply, "You're welcome." -- MANNERLY MOM IN CUMBERLAND, MD.
DEAR MANNERLY MOM: You have posed an interesting question. If I had to make a guess, it might be "you're welcome" carries a connotation that what you are thanking the person for might have been a burden or an imposition. "No problem" is meant to convey that it wasn't a burden.
While I agree that it can be jarring when you're expecting "you're welcome," English is an evolving language and, rather than becoming offended, perhaps you should be grateful that the person is trying to be gracious.
DEAR ABBY: When I proposed to my wife 15 years ago, I surprised her with a trip to San Francisco. We got engaged on one of the benches in Ghirardelli Square. I spent thousands on the ring and more on the flight, hotel, dinners, etc.
Ever since, my wife has returned every gift I have given her for Christmas, her birthday, our anniversary and, most recently, on Mother's Day. It's never right. It's too small, too large, too expensive, too shiny, too furry -- too anything.
Not surprisingly, my desire to buy her gifts has dwindled over the years to the point where I never feel like getting her anything.
Our 14th anniversary is coming up. I know, as usual, she expects me to do something to celebrate the occasion -- but I don't want to waste time and effort on something she won't like and will return. I think she is ungrateful, and she will probably get nothing this time around as I am too tired to deal with it. However, if I don't buy something, I will probably feel guilty because she always buys me "something," even if it's another watch -- I already have seven, which I don't wear. What should I do? -- GIFT GRINCH IN CARLSBAD
DEAR GIFT GRINCH: Rather than "surprise" your wife with nothing, have a talk with her. Explain that buying her gifts that only get returned is depressing and suggest that from now on you shop for gifts together. That way each of you can select something you will enjoy, and you can share the "thrill of the hunt" together.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Summer Heat Turns Locked Car Into Furnace for Helpless Pet
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "No Dogs in the Car" you printed last year (Aug. 6) appeared one day too late for me. I pulled into a supermarket parking lot on a hot afternoon and, as I was getting out of my car, I heard a dog barking and whining. It was a sweet little Yorkshire terrier that had been locked in a brand-new luxury vehicle with the windows barely cracked open. I couldn't tell how long he had been there, but his barking suggested he was not comfortable. I walked over to see if I could open the door.
A well-dressed woman came out of the store, saw me and shrieked, "Why are you standing next to my car?" I explained that because of the heat, her dog should not have been left in the enclosed vehicle. Her response? "Mind your own business, you dumb (rhymes-with-witch)!" she screamed and then stormed off.
I read the letter in your column from "No Dogs" the following day and made a copy. I hope I run into that "charming" woman again so I can hand her one. -- BONNIE'S MOM IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR BONNIE'S MOM: Your letter is timely because in parts of the country the temperature is soaring. And people frequently forget how quickly the temperature rises in an enclosed vehicle. Every summer we hear sad stories about pets perishing in parked cars.
But I digress. For your own safety, please don't hand that ill-mannered woman anything. Instead, leave it under her windshield wiper. Read on for what other readers say on this important subject:
DEAR ABBY: My animal services' phone number is programmed into my cell phone, and I used it recently when I saw a small dog locked in a hot car one afternoon. I called animal services and gave the location and description of the vehicle.
An animal control officer arrived within five minutes and stuck a thermometer in the window. Determining that the dog wasn't in immediate danger, he left a one-hour notice on the vehicle. If the owner returned within the hour, he would get a warning. If, however, the officer returned in an hour and the owner still had not appeared, the officer would break in and release the poor animal.
It's a useful number for animal lovers to keep on hand. -- READER IN RENO, NEV.
DEAR ABBY: According to the Arizona Humane Society, NEVER leave your pet in a parked car. Leaving a pet in a car on a hot day is not only against the law, it would lead to charges of animal cruelty. If you see an animal in a locked car, call your Humane Society Rescue Unit. They can respond more quickly than the police. But if the police are called, they can legally break a window. -- P.V.S. IN PHOENIX
DEAR ABBY: While attending the 1994 Gator National Drag Race in Gainesville, Fla., an announcement was made for the owners of an '89 Buick station wagon to please get their dog out of the car. Fifteen minutes later, a new announcement: "For the owners of the '89 Buick station wagon, we have good news and bad news. The good news is, your dog is fine. The bad news is, your passenger side window is now broken."
Everyone in the stands cheered! -- MITCH IN ROXBORO, N.C.
DEAR MITCH: Thanks for writing. I love a happy ending.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)