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Father Laments Conversation Gap With His Only Daughter
DEAR ABBY: I am the father of a middle-aged, unmarried, well-educated daughter I'll call "Yvette." My problem is, whether we're together or talking on the phone, Yvette seems to find it difficult to converse with me.
It's most noticeable when I'm sharing something with her, not the other way around. She'll comment on what I have to say, but rarely show any real interest in knowing more. "How are you?" is about all she ever asks. It has been this way for years, and it has affected my wanting to spend time with her. (Neither of us comes from a background where love or affection was openly displayed.)
When I called it to Yvette's attention, she told me she doesn't like to pry, that she figures I'll tell her whatever I want her to know. She doesn't seem to understand that, without some display of interest on her part, it's difficult for me to know if she's interested in what I'm saying.
I know she routinely "tunes out" her mother -- my ex-wife -- who dominates conversations with almost everyone. That isn't my M.O.! Yvette added -- with a chuckle -- that "maybe subconsciously" she does the same with me. I fail to see the humor. Yvette is my only child, and I'd like to feel closer to her. Any suggestions? -- UNHEARD IN PHOENIX
DEAR UNHEARD: Many a truth is said "in jest." When Yvette stated that she also tunes you out, she made an important admission. The time has come for a frank discussion. Ask your daughter why. Could she be punishing you for your inability to show love or affection while she was growing up?
Ask her directly if the reason she shows so little interest in what you have to say is that she's really NOT interested. Tell Yvette that her behavior is rude, uncaring and distancing. Be sure to tell her that you love her and would like to have a closer relationship, but that achieving one takes effort on the part of both of you.
It's a shame this has gone on for so many years, but if your daughter is willing, the stalemate does not have to continue.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office with shared workspaces. One of my co-workers has a sniffling problem that I think may be just a habit. He makes extremely loud sniffing noises all day long. There are no tissues on his desk, and once I asked him if he needed sinus medication. He said no, but the sniffling stopped momentarily.
Abby, the sound makes me sick to my stomach. What should I do? -- SNIFFLED OUT IN INDIANA
DEAR SNIFFLED OUT: Your co-worker's sniffling is not "just a habit." He may have an allergy or a chronic post-nasal drip. He wouldn't be sniffling if there wasn't something in his nose.
Tell him the constant sniffling is distracting, and he needs to do something about it. And if he doesn't, talk to the supervisor or office manager.
FRIENDS PITCH IN TO HELP KEEP WEDDING COSTS UNDER CONTROL
DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I saw the letter from "Not Sure If I Do" (May 8), who hesitated to attend a potluck wedding at which guests would be expected to pitch in and do dishes.
That sounds a lot like a Quaker wedding. In my meeting house there would be no minister, no music -- perhaps some wildflowers picked from a nearby field. The couple would recite vows they had written. The only cost would be the courthouse fee and whatever the couple spent (if anything) on wedding attire.
In today's economy, how's that for saving money? "Not Sure" should let her hair down and get with the program. That wedding sounds like a hoot. -- PENNSYLVANIA QUAKER GIRL
DEAR QUAKER GIRL: I agree that in today's economy a potluck wedding may be the most practical choice for some couples. Many readers wrote to say that potluck weddings are not unusual today, and in some areas have become the norm. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: How refreshing! That wedding couple has the good sense not to spend a fortune putting on a lavish reception, and instead are inviting only friends they feel close to and requesting assistance in the form of food and setting up, etc. I'd rather be the friend of a couple like that than a guest at a lavish reception for casual acquaintances. -- HAPPY FOR THE COUPLE IN COLORADO
DEAR ABBY: Apparently "Not Sure" is looking to be entertained rather than wanting to contribute to make this a special day. Perhaps it's a money issue, or maybe it's just wanting to share the values that led them to choose this type of wedding. Wish them well and go, or stay home -- but don't judge them. -- ANNETTA IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: It is traditional in Mexican families for the couple to go to friends and family and ask if they can pay for something in the wedding. It might be food, the hall, ring pillow, favors, etc.
These people are called "compadres" and "comadres." They also participate in the wedding and are mentioned in the wedding invitations -- including what they contributed. They also help to serve the food.
The persons providing the support do not need to also provide a gift, since they have already contributed to the wedding. -- ROSE K. IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: I agree that the person who wrote that letter should not attend if she doesn't wish to participate, but I think you should have made it clear that not everyone has a catered wedding. Abby, you were correct that the person should send her regrets if she was offended by the invitation, but if she does, she will miss out on a very intimate and enjoyable occasion. -- B.E.C. IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: I think the real question is, are the bride and groom just cheap, which seems to be the implication in "Not Sure's" letter, or simply do not have the money for an elaborate wedding, and still want to include family and friends in the only way they can afford? -- CYNTHIA IN SAN DIEGO
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom's Reluctance to Discuss Sex Puts Daughters at Risk
DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old niece, "Nicki," was recently diagnosed with an STD. When her mother, my sister-in-law "Cynthia," found out she was horrified. She had ignored several family members -- including me -- who had tried to warn her that Nicki was sexually active and not taking proper precautions.
Now Nicki's 14-year-old sister, "Danni," has come to me because she was afraid she was pregnant. I took her to get a pregnancy test done. Thank God, it was negative.
I think Danni should be tested for STDs, and both she and Nicki should be on birth control.
I can't get this through to my sister-in-law. Cynthia thinks I "don't understand" because I have sons, and "all I have to do is give them condoms."
Yes, but I have also talked to them about sex, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy and prevention, as well as the importance of acting responsibly.
I just want my nieces to be safe. Cynthia is living in a state of denial. How can I protect my nieces? -- CONCERNED AUNT IN NEW YORK
DEAR AUNT: Danni obviously trusts you, or she would not have come to you when she thought she was in serious trouble. It's a shame the girls don't have a closer relationship with their mother, and that she has chosen to hide her head in the sand rather than confront the obvious. Because she seems unable to talk to her daughters about sex and the responsibilities that go with it, you should.
If you feel uncomfortable talking to them about this, I have a booklet that can help you. It's called "What Every Teen Should Know," and it has been used by doctors and educators to get the message across in easy-to-understand language. It also contains sections on drugs, alcohol and date rape.
My teen booklet can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.
Your nieces must understand that having unprotected sex is not only dangerous, but could also prevent them from having children at a time in their lives when they're prepared to provide for them. It's obvious that you care about those girls. So schedule the discussion ASAP, and impress upon them that the decisions they're making now will affect their entire futures and how important it is for them to avoid the pitfalls.
DEAR ABBY: Is it rude or inconsiderate for a person to knit, crochet or piece a quilt while attending a meeting or other gathering? -- CURIOUS IN THE SUNBELT
DEAR CURIOUS: Although I may get some argument about this, I do think it's rude. When someone is attending a meeting or a social gathering, it is considered good manners to give the speaker or other attendees your full attention. And while I expect to hear from readers who say they can "multi-task," to do so sends the wrong message.