To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Scott," and I are writers, although we both have day jobs. During the two years we've been together, we have always supported each other's writing careers.
Things changed after my first novel was published. While initially congratulatory, Scott's behavior was different as the publication date neared. He declined to help my friend throw me a party. When I spotted my book on the shelf of a bookstore for the first time, he chided me to keep my voice down. My novel has now been out for months, but he still hasn't read it. (I gave him one of my free copies.)
When I told Scott how much this hurt me, he agreed to read it and said he was proud of me. But after reading only one chapter, the book was left on the nightstand and he hasn't touched it since.
Scott is a talented writer. He has been published in literary magazines, but hasn't yet published a book. I sympathize with his jealousy and have tried to keep talk of my novel to a minimum. But I'm troubled by Scott's refusal to participate in this exciting period of my life. If he had written a 600-page tome on the digestive habits of the three-toed sloth, and I had to drink a pot of coffee to stay awake through the first chapter, I would still be first in line to buy it. Abby, what gives? -- FRUSTRATED NOVELIST
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I think you have pegged "what gives" accurately. Your boyfriend is suffering the effects of having been bitten by the green-eyed monster. Every reminder of your success gives him a pang because he wasn't published first -- and he may be punishing you for your success by leaving the book unread by the bed. (Anything else going on there?)
I'm sad to say that not every man is man enough to appreciate his woman's success. Some are emasculated by it. And frankly, it will be interesting to see if your relationship survives this.
DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend who is divorced with one son. What is your opinion of a father who insists his 11-year-old son -- and since he was even younger -- respond to his father with, "Yes, sir"? If the son responds with, "Yes, Dad," "Yes," "Yeah, Dad," etc., the father responds with "WHAT did you say?" until the son responds with "Yes, sir."
The father has been deemed a narcissist by three court-appointed psychiatrists. He is a control freak, and I feel this is mental abuse to the son. What are your thoughts? -- APPALLED IN GLENDALE, OHIO
DEAR APPALLED: Please don't be so quick to judge. The "narcissist" could also come from a military background or be from the South, where "Yes, sir," and "Yes, ma'am," are considered common good manners.
DEAR ABBY: I am a program director for young professionals. There are 75 students in my group. Many of them get married in our program and invite me to their weddings.
Should I always go and give the same type of gift, or give a gift based on how well I know the individual?
-- SEEKING "I DO" DIPLOMACY
DEAR SEEKING: An invitation is not an obligation. Buying wedding gifts for many couples every year could take a serious bite out of someone's income. That's why you should attend only the weddings of students to whom you feel a closeness, and base your gift on how much you can afford.
For those couples whose weddings you choose not to attend, send a lovely card with a note of congratulations along with your regrets.
Dad Who Dated on the Rebound Should Try to Catch Her Again
DEAR ABBY: I went through a bitter divorce a few years ago after my wife, "Cassie," had an affair. During the divorce I confided a lot in Cassie's sister, "Lisa." We had always been close friends, but one thing led to another.
I started seeing a lot of Lisa, and some people got wind of it. Lisa has two kids and I have a son who is older. I was very much in love with Lisa and she felt the same, but everyone said it was wrong so we parted ways. It was more my idea than hers. She didn't care what anyone thought.
Lisa and I are now involved with other people, but I talked to her a month ago and now I can't get her out of my mind. I told my son about it. He thinks I should be with her. He wants us to be happy. I have dated several other women, but none of them makes me feel the way she does. What do you think we should do? -- UNDECIDED IN DELAWARE
DEAR UNDECIDED: Who, exactly, are these "people" whom you have allowed to dictate the way you live your life? It's time to stop being an advice collector.
Because you and Lisa are involved with others, the first thing you'll have to do is explain to them that you have "unfinished business." Better they hear it now than after they have invested more time in either of you. Also, understand that nothing comes without a price, and the "price" for a life together could be a permanent estrangement between Lisa and her sister.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a "blended family." He has a 13-year-old son named "Ryan." I have a 5-year-old son, "James." And we have a daughter together, "Samantha," who is 2.
James and Ryan got along great before Sami was born. But now Ryan treats James like a stepchild. He constantly yells at James and says things like, "Just wait until Sami is big enough to beat you up!"
What I see going on between James and Sami is typical childhood rivalry, and I take it with a grain of salt. I have urged my boyfriend many times to talk to Ryan and tell him James is only 5 and doesn't fully understand when he takes toys from Sami, and for Ryan to stay out of it. I have also tried to tell that to Ryan.
I don't want my son to feel like the stepchild he is being treated like. Some advice would be greatly appreciated. -- GOT THE BLUES IN MICHIGAN
DEAR GOT THE BLUES: There is a lot going on under your roof, and you should take none of it "with a grain of salt." Ryan may be treating your son like a stepchild because that is how he perceives him -- after all, Ryan is related by blood to Samantha and not to James. He should not be allowed to get away with it.
Also, when Sami was born, James was the baby in the family. He could be resentful about losing his place and be trying to punish Sami by taking her toys. At age 5, your son knows the difference between right and wrong, and you should not ignore that fact. Tell James that unless he wants both his big brother and his little sister to be mad at him, he will have to learn to look out for Sami and treat her like a loving brother.
Also, be sure to carve out some extra time devoted just to James, so he will know he hasn't been "lost in the middle." Praise him when he's good to Samantha and let him know there's a penalty when he isn't. Do this, and I predict the problem will subside.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Family Purse Strings Are No Longer in Husband's Hands
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are going through a financial situation which many families seem to face these days, where the wife has to take care of the family's finances.
Yesterday my husband asked me to give him some money. Of course I told him I would give it to him, but I wanted to know what he needed it for because I had given him enough a week ago that should have gotten him through a minimum of three weeks.
My husband became angry and told me to "forget the money," that he would manage one way or another. I tried explaining to him that if the situation was the other way around, he would have wanted to know what I needed the money for and that I was only concerned, but he's still mad at me. I apologized, but he's still hurt.
Was it wrong to ask him what he needed the money for?
-- WORRIED WIFE IN NIGERIA
DEAR WORRIED WIFE: Your question was probably spontaneous, and certainly to the point. More than what happened to the money, your husband's defensive reaction is cause for concern. If he was proud of where the money went, he would have answered the question.
However, please consider that another reason he may have overreacted is that he feels it should be his place to be the breadwinner -- and the fact that you are is a blow to his ego.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a freshman in college and having one of the best times of my life. I have made a lot of good friends. My only problem is I don't have a boyfriend. It's not that I feel I can't exist without one. I have been perfectly content as a single girl. But I'm 18 now, and still haven't kissed a guy.
One by one, each of my friends has found someone. I know a lot of guys through activities I'm involved in, or my classes, but I am terrified of initiating something. I really need them to make the first move. I'm worried that no one will be interested in me because I'm a bit overweight and I'm self-conscious about it.
Abby, can you think of anything I could do to change my situation? -- WANTING A GUY AT CORNELL
DEAR WANTING A GUY: Perhaps. May I suggest an extra-curricular activity for you? It's one that will give you a chance to meet and mingle with new people. Join a gym. It's healthy, it's fun, and it's a non-threatening way to meet all sorts of people with different interests. It's also an effective way to lose weight, tone up and gain self-confidence. Give it a try and let me hear from you in six months. I'll bet by then your problem will have resolved itself.
DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old girl with a problem. My mom is dating a really cool guy. He's nice and remembers our birthdays and stuff like that, but I don't like him that much. I have talked to my mom and my school counselor about it. What do you suppose I should do now? -- ISSUES WITH MOM'S B.F.
DEAR ISSUES: Just because your mother likes him does not mean that you have to like him "that much." He is your mother's friend. Therefore, you should treat him with the same respect and consideration that you would want your mother to treat one of YOUR friends.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)