Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family Purse Strings Are No Longer in Husband's Hands
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are going through a financial situation which many families seem to face these days, where the wife has to take care of the family's finances.
Yesterday my husband asked me to give him some money. Of course I told him I would give it to him, but I wanted to know what he needed it for because I had given him enough a week ago that should have gotten him through a minimum of three weeks.
My husband became angry and told me to "forget the money," that he would manage one way or another. I tried explaining to him that if the situation was the other way around, he would have wanted to know what I needed the money for and that I was only concerned, but he's still mad at me. I apologized, but he's still hurt.
Was it wrong to ask him what he needed the money for?
-- WORRIED WIFE IN NIGERIA
DEAR WORRIED WIFE: Your question was probably spontaneous, and certainly to the point. More than what happened to the money, your husband's defensive reaction is cause for concern. If he was proud of where the money went, he would have answered the question.
However, please consider that another reason he may have overreacted is that he feels it should be his place to be the breadwinner -- and the fact that you are is a blow to his ego.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a freshman in college and having one of the best times of my life. I have made a lot of good friends. My only problem is I don't have a boyfriend. It's not that I feel I can't exist without one. I have been perfectly content as a single girl. But I'm 18 now, and still haven't kissed a guy.
One by one, each of my friends has found someone. I know a lot of guys through activities I'm involved in, or my classes, but I am terrified of initiating something. I really need them to make the first move. I'm worried that no one will be interested in me because I'm a bit overweight and I'm self-conscious about it.
Abby, can you think of anything I could do to change my situation? -- WANTING A GUY AT CORNELL
DEAR WANTING A GUY: Perhaps. May I suggest an extra-curricular activity for you? It's one that will give you a chance to meet and mingle with new people. Join a gym. It's healthy, it's fun, and it's a non-threatening way to meet all sorts of people with different interests. It's also an effective way to lose weight, tone up and gain self-confidence. Give it a try and let me hear from you in six months. I'll bet by then your problem will have resolved itself.
DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old girl with a problem. My mom is dating a really cool guy. He's nice and remembers our birthdays and stuff like that, but I don't like him that much. I have talked to my mom and my school counselor about it. What do you suppose I should do now? -- ISSUES WITH MOM'S B.F.
DEAR ISSUES: Just because your mother likes him does not mean that you have to like him "that much." He is your mother's friend. Therefore, you should treat him with the same respect and consideration that you would want your mother to treat one of YOUR friends.
Struggling Single Dad Finds Out How Little He Knows
DEAR ABBY: I am a single parent, although I never intended to be. Last fall, I was asked to baby-sit a 14-year-old boy. He has been in my custody ever since. His mother abandoned him. Only in the last month have I actually gotten legal custody of him from Social Services. The problems he had prior to being with me have caused me legal expenses I never could have imagined. (They are all paid now.)
I sold my truck and moved out of my original apartment, so I don't have much. We have no furniture other than the beds we sleep on and a dining room table we received as a gift. I have no idea where to go for help. I have no idea what I am doing as a parent. But I made a promise to that boy, and I fully intend to make sure that I carry it through. What do I need to know? -- NEW FATHER IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR NEW FATHER: Congratulations on becoming a father. You have already mastered the most important lesson on becoming a parent -- and that's being there for your child. The library is filled with books on parenting, and I'm sure you will find some answers there. But you are already a stable influence, and that's what the boy needs. You should also know that there is money available to take care of your boy, and the Department of Social Services should be able to help you get it.
DEAR ABBY: Due to years of abuse at the hands of my parents, I decided I could no longer continue a relationship with them. Ten years ago, for the sake of my mental health, I took control and cut the "disease" out of my life. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but it was also one of the best decisions I ever made. I am now a happier, healthier person and have no regrets.
My problem is people who hear about my decision feel the need to tell me about the "inevitable regret" I will feel, and that I should forget the past and make amends.
My decision was not made lightly. I gave it considerable thought and, while it may not be the right choice for everyone, it was the right one for me. People are entitled to their opinion, but I am tired of feeling as though I have to defend myself.
Please encourage your readers to respect the decisions of others, even if they don't always agree.
-- PEACE AT LAST IN TORONTO
DEAR PEACE AT LAST: Do not feel you have to defend yourself. Those who are trying to warn you about your "inevitable regret" are speaking through the filter of their own experience. They do not understand that some family relationships are toxic rather than nurturing, so don't argue the issue. Accept that they mean well and tune them out. You have suffered enough.
DEAR ABBY: I'm starting a small business and have begun to purchase office equipment. When any recent purchase comes up in conversation, the next thing out of people's mouths is, "How much did that cost?"
I think that question is extremely presumptuous. I don't ask them how much their new car or their new house cost them. What's the best way to politely ignore the question? -- JUST WONDERING IN ITHACA, N.Y.
DEAR JUST WONDERING: If you bring up the subject of a new purchase, it is natural for people to be curious. The way to avoid a problem like yours is not to "go there" in the first place. My advice is to stop talking about the items you're buying, and your problem will resolve itself.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN PREPARING TO WED IS FEARFUL OF GROWING APART
DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old woman who has been dating my boyfriend for a number of years. As exciting as the thought of marriage sounds, it is also scary. Too many times I have heard that a couple separated because they had "grown apart" or "grew in different directions."
How does a couple go about preventing this from happening? There have to be things we can do to protect ourselves against this -- but what are they? Your advice would be appreciated. -- SKITTISH IN MAPLE GROVE, MINN.
DEAR SKITTISH: Couples grow apart when they stop talking and listening to each other, when they fight instead of disagree, and when they forget the reasons they married in the first place. They also run into trouble if they're not on the same page before marriage about how to handle money, whether they are sexually compatible, and how their children should be raised.
Premarital counseling is helpful in bringing out these issues, and some churches now insist upon it. Intelligent people get to really know each other before taking the leap, as you and your boyfriend have already done. However, even longtime couples need to make sure they have all their cards on the table before embarking on the sea of matrimony, and to fully recognize they cannot change the other person.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Amanda," I met last year at school. I consider her my best friend, and people comment on how we're always together.
Amanda's family doesn't have much money, so when she tells me she's broke I don't hesitate to give her money. I have bought her meals and movie tickets, too. It wouldn't bother me if she ever said a simple "thank you" or "please" to me.
My parents have noticed it, too. They are annoyed that Amanda has never thanked them for letting her spend the night. My dad recently commented that it's rude that she never says "hello" to him when he comes home and she is there.
What can I do about Amanda's manners? Am I wrong to be bothered by her lack of them? I don't want to lose her as a friend, but it's something I can't seem to let go.
-- LITTLE MISS MANNERS
DEAR L.M.M.: More is lacking in Amanda's household than money. Think about it. Where did you learn the basic social graces? From your parents, of course. The reason for Amanda's poor manners is that she was never taught otherwise.
Have a talk with your friend and explain what the rules are in your household. You don't have to be mean when you do -- and you'll be doing her a favor.
DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print helpful hints from readers, and mine could possibly save some families from incurring an expensive plumbing repair.
I have been married and divorced twice. As a younger man, my wives and I always flushed our cigarette butts down the toilet when in the bathroom. One day, we had a serious plumbing problem -- our toilet overflowed. After getting the plumbing bill we found out all the cigarette filters had eventually closed up our sewer line. It was a costly lesson I hope other smokers will heed -- and I'm not even mentioning the risk of cancer. -- SMARTER NOW IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR SMARTER NOW: I won't mention the subject of cancer either. Thank you for your helpful suggestion, as well as the reminder that toilets were not intended for the type of butts you were flushing.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)