To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Soldier's Dad Is Touched by Stranger's Generosity
DEAR ABBY: I am one of your many male readers. I have been up all night and need to put my thoughts down and thank someone for his act of kindness to my son.
My son, a U.S. infantry soldier, left yesterday for a 12-month deployment. After a tearful goodbye to me and to his young wife at the airport, he flew to Atlanta to join the other members of his unit for their flights overseas. He called me the evening he reached Atlanta and related this story:
He was eating a late dinner at a restaurant in the Atlanta airport. A man who appeared to be about 60 years old saw him show his military ID to the waitress when he ordered a drink with his meal. The man took my son's dinner check when he got up to leave, saying, "Let me buy a soldier a meal." When my son tried to politely refuse, the man insisted and said it was his way to thank him for what he was doing. Because Army privates don't make much money, my son was grateful. This act of kindness made a strong impression.
To that kind gentleman, I want you to know that this father is grateful, too. I sent my son into harm's way yesterday, and you, sir, a stranger, took care of him on his journey. You bought him a meal when I could not. Thank you, and God bless you. -- A SOLDIER'S GRATEFUL DAD
DEAR GRATEFUL DAD: I'm pleased to convey your gratitude. Today 190,000 members of our U.S. military are stationed in Afghanistan and Iraq doing tours -- and extended tours -- of active duty. It is completely appropriate for any civilian who sees someone in uniform to approach that person and offer thanks for his or her service. The gentleman who treated your son to dinner did it in a more tangible way than many do -- and for that he is to be commended.
DEAR ABBY: My father, "Jim," married a beautiful, nice, smart woman a short while ago. I love her enough to consider her a second mom, but when she refers to me, she never does it by name. If she's talking to Dad about me, she'll refer to me as "your daughter" or "your kid." If she's talking to her son or daughter about me, she'll say, "Jim's kid." I only know she's talking to me if she's looking at me because she never uses my name.
I wish she knew how much this hurts my feelings. I don't want to confront her because I'm afraid of causing problems. Why can't she call me by my given name? -- I HAVE A NAME IN BUFFALO, MO.
DEAR HAS A NAME: Your father's beautiful, nice and smart new wife strikes me as somewhat insensitive. However, she won't know that her actions are hurtful until you tell her. You don't have to be confrontational when you do -- just tell her that your feelings are hurt because you don't feel recognized as a person. If she's as nice as you say, she'll make an effort to do better.
DEAR ABBY: I have a simple question. When is it OK to stop saying I am divorced and start to say I am a single person? -- PATRICIA IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.
DEAR PATRICIA: I have a simple answer. You are no longer "single." As a person who has been married and divorced, you are now a divorcee -- and will be until such time as you remarry.
Parents Clash Over Giving Same Gifts to Different Sons
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I disagree on something. Do you think parents MUST do the same things for each of their children, even when there is a great discrepancy in the children's behavior and attitude toward their parents?
We have helped out one of our sons who was having financial difficulties. Now the other son, "Sean," expects to receive the same, although he is defiant and does not treat us with the same respect as his sibling. My husband says because we did it for one child, we must do it for the other. I disagree, and think it's rewarding bad behavior. -- FEUDING IN WISCONSIN
DEAR FEUDING: Sean does not have the right to "demand" anything from you. However, to give one of your sons money while withholding it from the other will create a rift between them that may never heal, and I do not recommend it.
Tempting as it may be to use your checkbook to command compliance, please realize that it won't gain you the respect you feel is lacking. A better solution would be to insist on family counseling as a condition of giving the money. It's an investment that could yield great dividends.
DEAR ABBY: I was at the store yesterday with my Gramma when she ran into a friend she hadn't seen in some time. (Her friend is about 87.) As they were talking, Gramma asked her a question that shocked me. She asked, "Do you still have your husband?"
After we left, I told Gramma I thought it was rude to ask someone that question. Her response was, "It's perfectly fine to ask that of someone her age." Is she right? -- KNOW I'M RIGHT IN LAS VEGAS, N.M.
DEAR KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT: The question was not a breach of etiquette. By the time women reach their eighth decade, I'm sad to say, most of them have lost their husbands. Your grandmother's question was legitimate, although she might have been more diplomatic and asked "how" her friend's husband was, rather than if she still had him.
DEAR ABBY: The "pennies from heaven" letters in your column have been a blessing to me. "Patrick" and I were together eight years when he died unexpectedly after turning 31 last February. We considered ourselves married, and never thought we'd need a marriage license to formalize our love.
When Patrick died, his family took his body. They emptied our apartment the next day and refuse to tell me where he is buried.
Three times in the last month I have found pennies dated 1977 -- the year Patrick was born. One particularly shiny one appeared on the passenger seat of my car on my first day back at work. I'm sure it is his way of telling me not to worry, that he is close by.
Thank you for printing those stories. They have been a source of great comfort to me. -- MOURNING IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm gratified the "pennies" letters have brought you some solace, as they have many other readers, and I hope your experience will enlighten any couple who thinks a marriage license is "only a piece of paper."
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Teens' Visit to Grandparents Comes Under Their Protest
DEAR ABBY: Our parents make my sister and me go with them to visit our grandparents one Saturday a month. They live two hours away. We don't like having to waste our Saturday this way. My sister and I are 15 and 16, and we're old enough to stay home alone. When we are there, all we do is sit there bored while our parents and grandparents talk.
Our grandparents show no interest in us, even though they tell our parents how much they "love" seeing us. Our parents say our grandparents are not in good health and may not be around much longer, so one Saturday a month isn't too much to ask.
The other day Mom overheard us in our room talking about how much we hate having to go over there, and she was furious. She said we were selfish and care about no one but ourselves, and she had better not hear that kind of talk again. Please tell us what you think. -- BORED TO DEATH IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR BORED TO DEATH: Sometimes when people grow older, they lose the knack of communicating with younger people. While visiting your grandparents may seem like a pain in the neck now, when you're older you may be glad that you did.
One way to bridge the generation gap would be for you and your sister to show some interest in THEM. Prepare a list of questions to ask them before you go to visit. You might be pleasantly surprised to find their answers a fascinating window on the past, and give you an insight about how your parents were raised.
Please consider what I have said. It will make visiting your grandparents less of an ordeal -- and you might even learn something of value.
DEAR ABBY: My long-standing boyfriend, "Peter," and I plan to be married next year. Peter's parents divorced long ago because his father was abusive. Peter told me about a specific incident in which his father pushed him down the basement stairs.
Because of a recent spiritual awakening, Peter decided to forgive his dad, but the man rejected a face-to-face reconciliation with his son. Of course, this has hurt Peter deeply, and it hurts me to see him go through it.
I had always thought that married couples should share the same last name. But I feel uncomfortable taking Peter's name, knowing that it was given to him by a man who abused him and no longer wants him as a son.
A logical solution would be for us to take his maternal grandfather's last name because he and Peter are extremely close. However, I could never ask Peter to give up his last name. Should I alone take his grandfather's name? I realize this problem may not seem important, but it carries a lot of weight with me. -- NO-NAME JANE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.
DEAR JANE: While you could never "ask" Peter to give up his last name, you should certainly talk to him about your feelings. If he has no objection, you could use his maternal grandfather's name. You could also, as many women do today, continue to use your maiden name.
Or, you two lovebirds could choose a name you both like and adopt it together. After all, to quote William Shakespeare, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)