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YOUNG MOTHER FEELS THE URGE TO TAKE BREAK FROM PARENTING
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old single mom of a 17-month-old son. I love my baby dearly, but lately I feel I'm missing out on life. I feel like I need to go out on my own and find myself.
Before I got pregnant I had plans to go to college, work abroad and experience life. My mom says if I do it, I would be running away, that I can't take a break from being a mom, even for a little while, and come back and be a mom again. I know being a parent means all or nothing, but I'm still just a kid myself.
If I did leave, I'd go somewhere and use that time effectively. I have thought about going to school in Colorado where I could experience something different and give myself a shot at a better career. Would it be running away and leaving my baby if I did that? -- YOUNG AND RESTLESS IN IDAHO
DEAR YOUNG AND RESTLESS: Your mother is right. You are responsible for the welfare and emotional development of your baby. While this does not mean you can't have some social life, please recognize that your son needs consistency. He should not be left for an extended period of time. Take the college courses, but take them locally. Foreign travel to "find yourself" will have to wait because leaving your son now could cause lifelong repercussions.
DEAR ABBY: I have lived on a golf course for the last five years, but golf -- or any sport, for that matter -- has never interested me. My parents and the rest of my family can't get enough of golf. I have given it many tries, including being forced into going to two golf camps and playing the game. My parents know I don't like golf -- I have told them -- but they keep on insisting I "give it a try." (I have for five years. I just don't enjoy it.) And to top it off they want me to go golfing once a week.
I try to please them. I go to church, get straight A's, respect them and do my chores. But they constantly nag me about the rest of the family enjoying it, and it makes me feel guilty for being a black sheep. Are my parents asking too much, or am I being selfish? -- TEE'D OFF IN MIDDLETOWN, DEL.
DEAR TEE'D OFF: You are intelligent and obviously a high achiever. But nowhere in your letter did you mention that you are in any way physically active, which may be what concerns your parents. I cannot stress enough how important it is for young people to get at least an hour a day of cardiovascular exercise. Please consider what I'm saying. If you are adamant about disliking golf, perhaps you can make a deal with your family to engage in some other physical activity that interests you.
DEAR ABBY: I just turned 15, and everyone in my family gave me great presents. I'd like to write them thank-you notes instead of just telling them that I am grateful. But, I'm not sure if writing thank-you notes to my parents and siblings is too formal. Are these notes written to close family? -- EMILY IN DALLAS
DEAR EMILY: They absolutely are. Not only should you write those thank-you notes, you may be surprised to find later on that family members treasured and kept every single one you wrote.
Daughter Gains Both Weight and Guilt After Mother's Death
DEAR ABBY: Before her death, I promised my mother that I would not get fat like her. Now I'm finding it hard to keep that promise. Ever since we lost Mama, I have slowly gained a little each year. I have tried to lose, but all I do is look at food and I gain.
If this keeps up I'll become the size my mother was. Does that mean I failed her because I broke my promise? I feel so guilty. Please help me. -- JUST LIKE MY MAMA IN TEXAS
DEAR LIKE MAMA: The answer is no, so stop feeling guilty. Guilt has nothing to do with it. It's common for people to gain weight after 30, and I can confirm from personal experience that it doesn't happen because anyone "looks" at food.
Weight gain is a form of banking. If we deposit more money in our saving account than we spend, we have a large savings account. On the other hand, if we spend more than save, the account dwindles. It's the same with weight. Eat more calories than we burn, the result is a fat we-know-what. To "spend" calories rather than wearing them, a change in diet and a program of regular exercise are necessary.
Also, people don't necessarily eat because they are hungry. Some overindulge for emotional reasons. I recently received a letter that could be of help to you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am alive because, in one of your columns, you provided the contact information for Overeaters Anonymous. I wrote to the address listed and, within days, received a friendly note offering support. Like many others with an overeating problem, I waited more than two years before going to my first meeting. But that meeting changed my life. I have been in recovery from compulsive eating for 32 years. My life today is better than I could have ever imagined.
There are about 6,500 Overeaters Anonymous (OA) groups in 75 countries. Patterned after the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, they offer recovery from compulsive eating. Because today obesity, with all its attendant health problems, is acknowledged as an epidemic, I hope you will again mention OA to your readers. Fellow sufferers and their physicians are sometimes resorting to drastic measures to help them lose weight. My life was saved thanks to this program and the fact your mentioned it. Thank you. -- DONNA S. IN TEXAS
DEAR DONNA S.: Thank YOU for the timely reminder that for weight loss, a support group can make the difference between success and failure. Overeaters Anonymous is listed in many telephone books and also on the Internet at � HYPERLINK "http://www.oa.org" ��www.oa.org�. It charges no dues or fees, and no membership lists are kept. There is no shaming, no weighing in and no embarrassment. Everyone meets on common ground and is welcomed with open arms into a fellowship of women and men who all share the same problem. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop eating compulsively.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think a person can be taught "common sense," or is it something you are born with? -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: Common sense is something a person is born with. I have heard from many people with professional degrees, but no common sense.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Dad's Dates Disappear When They Hear of Troubled Daughter
DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old divorced father of one daughter. I'm fit, look good for my age and earn a good income as a consultant. I'm not rich, but I own a condo and have a sizable retirement fund.
I have a strong desire to remarry, but I have some "baggage." My daughter, "Danielle," is bipolar. She has done nothing since graduating from high school last year but get into trouble. Danielle has been arrested for drugs and stealing, and hangs out with a rough crowd. My ex-wife does not have the inner strength to throw her out, which would probably be the best thing for her. This is out of my control, but still, women I date lose interest in me when they learn about my daughter.
I hate to lie, but I think I may have to start when we trade information about our children. Theirs are often very accomplished, so the contrast is terrible. Should I make up some half-truths until the time is right to tell the whole story? I'll follow your recommendation. -- EMBARRASSED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your daughter suffers from a mental illness. She belongs in treatment, not on the streets. That your ex-wife hasn't thrown her out isn't a reflection of weakness, but a measure of her strength of character.
You and your ex could both benefit from joining a support group -- and I have one for you. It's the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Since it was founded in 1986, it has grown to more than 1,000 support groups nationwide, and offers advice and online information for persons with depressive and manic-depressive illness and their families. To find a chapter near you, call toll-free (800) 826-3632 or visit its Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.dbsalliance.org" ��www.dbsalliance.org�.
Under no circumstances should you concoct any "half-truths" in an attempt to cover up your situation. A woman who would write you off because you have a sick child doesn't sound like much of a catch. And any woman with a head on her shoulders would resent having been misled.
I don't know where you're finding the women you've been seeing, but I recommend you fish in other dating pools. In a support group you might meet someone with whom you have much in common.
DEAR ABBY: I live in Chicago and commute to and from work each day on the El train, which is typically crowded. There are never enough seats to go around. What surprises me is the lack of thoughtfulness that men show when it comes to seating. It's extremely rare for a man to offer a seat to a lady. In fact, I have watched men race past women to grab seats. Just the other day, there was a very pregnant woman on the train and not a single person offered her a seat.
I'm not trying to portray females as the needy, weaker sex, but some chivalry would be nice. In this age of equal rights, am I outdated in my thinking? -- NEEDS A SEAT IN CHICAGO
DEAR NEEDS A SEAT: I don't think so, but there are those who would argue with us. With more people using public transportation because of increased fuel prices, seats are at a premium. One would hope that the commuters would practice good manners, but if a man didn't offer a pregnant woman his seat during the commute, I would offer her mine rather than force her to stand on swollen feet and ankles.
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