For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Gains Both Weight and Guilt After Mother's Death
DEAR ABBY: Before her death, I promised my mother that I would not get fat like her. Now I'm finding it hard to keep that promise. Ever since we lost Mama, I have slowly gained a little each year. I have tried to lose, but all I do is look at food and I gain.
If this keeps up I'll become the size my mother was. Does that mean I failed her because I broke my promise? I feel so guilty. Please help me. -- JUST LIKE MY MAMA IN TEXAS
DEAR LIKE MAMA: The answer is no, so stop feeling guilty. Guilt has nothing to do with it. It's common for people to gain weight after 30, and I can confirm from personal experience that it doesn't happen because anyone "looks" at food.
Weight gain is a form of banking. If we deposit more money in our saving account than we spend, we have a large savings account. On the other hand, if we spend more than save, the account dwindles. It's the same with weight. Eat more calories than we burn, the result is a fat we-know-what. To "spend" calories rather than wearing them, a change in diet and a program of regular exercise are necessary.
Also, people don't necessarily eat because they are hungry. Some overindulge for emotional reasons. I recently received a letter that could be of help to you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am alive because, in one of your columns, you provided the contact information for Overeaters Anonymous. I wrote to the address listed and, within days, received a friendly note offering support. Like many others with an overeating problem, I waited more than two years before going to my first meeting. But that meeting changed my life. I have been in recovery from compulsive eating for 32 years. My life today is better than I could have ever imagined.
There are about 6,500 Overeaters Anonymous (OA) groups in 75 countries. Patterned after the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, they offer recovery from compulsive eating. Because today obesity, with all its attendant health problems, is acknowledged as an epidemic, I hope you will again mention OA to your readers. Fellow sufferers and their physicians are sometimes resorting to drastic measures to help them lose weight. My life was saved thanks to this program and the fact your mentioned it. Thank you. -- DONNA S. IN TEXAS
DEAR DONNA S.: Thank YOU for the timely reminder that for weight loss, a support group can make the difference between success and failure. Overeaters Anonymous is listed in many telephone books and also on the Internet at � HYPERLINK "http://www.oa.org" ��www.oa.org�. It charges no dues or fees, and no membership lists are kept. There is no shaming, no weighing in and no embarrassment. Everyone meets on common ground and is welcomed with open arms into a fellowship of women and men who all share the same problem. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop eating compulsively.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think a person can be taught "common sense," or is it something you are born with? -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: Common sense is something a person is born with. I have heard from many people with professional degrees, but no common sense.
Dad's Dates Disappear When They Hear of Troubled Daughter
DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old divorced father of one daughter. I'm fit, look good for my age and earn a good income as a consultant. I'm not rich, but I own a condo and have a sizable retirement fund.
I have a strong desire to remarry, but I have some "baggage." My daughter, "Danielle," is bipolar. She has done nothing since graduating from high school last year but get into trouble. Danielle has been arrested for drugs and stealing, and hangs out with a rough crowd. My ex-wife does not have the inner strength to throw her out, which would probably be the best thing for her. This is out of my control, but still, women I date lose interest in me when they learn about my daughter.
I hate to lie, but I think I may have to start when we trade information about our children. Theirs are often very accomplished, so the contrast is terrible. Should I make up some half-truths until the time is right to tell the whole story? I'll follow your recommendation. -- EMBARRASSED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Your daughter suffers from a mental illness. She belongs in treatment, not on the streets. That your ex-wife hasn't thrown her out isn't a reflection of weakness, but a measure of her strength of character.
You and your ex could both benefit from joining a support group -- and I have one for you. It's the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Since it was founded in 1986, it has grown to more than 1,000 support groups nationwide, and offers advice and online information for persons with depressive and manic-depressive illness and their families. To find a chapter near you, call toll-free (800) 826-3632 or visit its Web site: � HYPERLINK "http://www.dbsalliance.org" ��www.dbsalliance.org�.
Under no circumstances should you concoct any "half-truths" in an attempt to cover up your situation. A woman who would write you off because you have a sick child doesn't sound like much of a catch. And any woman with a head on her shoulders would resent having been misled.
I don't know where you're finding the women you've been seeing, but I recommend you fish in other dating pools. In a support group you might meet someone with whom you have much in common.
DEAR ABBY: I live in Chicago and commute to and from work each day on the El train, which is typically crowded. There are never enough seats to go around. What surprises me is the lack of thoughtfulness that men show when it comes to seating. It's extremely rare for a man to offer a seat to a lady. In fact, I have watched men race past women to grab seats. Just the other day, there was a very pregnant woman on the train and not a single person offered her a seat.
I'm not trying to portray females as the needy, weaker sex, but some chivalry would be nice. In this age of equal rights, am I outdated in my thinking? -- NEEDS A SEAT IN CHICAGO
DEAR NEEDS A SEAT: I don't think so, but there are those who would argue with us. With more people using public transportation because of increased fuel prices, seats are at a premium. One would hope that the commuters would practice good manners, but if a man didn't offer a pregnant woman his seat during the commute, I would offer her mine rather than force her to stand on swollen feet and ankles.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Family Flees Violent Husband as Well as Helpless Relatives
DEAR ABBY: My children and I were living with a maniac who threatened to kill me if I took the kids and ran. We reached out to his family, hoping they would intervene and tell him they knew what he was doing to us. We wanted someone to stand up to him.
His sister said: "I don't want to hear this. I love my brother. I don't want to think about him doing these things, so don't tell me these stories!"
His father said, "What did you do to provoke him?"
His brother and his wife were sympathetic, but said there was nothing they could do.
The last violent episode ended with the children and me locking ourselves in the bathroom while my husband screamed and tried to break the door down for half an hour. When he finally stopped, I called his dad who said, "Do you know what time it is? You woke me up!" He hung up the phone so fast I didn't get to tell him what his son had done to our autistic son.
After getting help from outside sources, we finally felt safe enough to leave. We're now divorced, and my daughter wants nothing to do with her father's side of the family. Her granddad can't figure out why she won't talk to him, and her aunt has no clue why my daughter refuses to visit.
Abby, please urge family members to step up to the plate. Be supportive and ask what you can do to help. Lives could be saved in the process, in more ways than one. -- HEARTBREAK IN THE HEARTLAND
DEAR HEARTBREAK: I'm doing as you requested, but if your husband didn't suffer from severe mental problems, he probably learned his abusive ways from his own father, while his sister grew up in denial about her family's dysfunction, and his brother was trained to feel "helpless."
I'm pleased you were finally able to take control of your lives and get out of there. Now please, teach your daughter a lesson in assertiveness. Tell her she has nothing to gain by remaining silent, and she should tell her grandfather why she no longer talks to him, and her aunt why she no longer wants her in her life. Doing so will make her stronger.
DEAR ABBY: We recently moved into our dream house. We bought it from an elderly man who had lived there alone after his wife died seven years ago.
While exploring the property, we found a small gravestone with the name "Sparkle" engraved on it. We assume this was a former pet of the owner, but he never mentioned it to us.
Some of us want to dig it up and see what is really buried there. Others think we should just remove the stone. Or should we let it stay where it is? -- UNSETTLED IN ALTOONA
DEAR UNSETTLED: Take a vote. If the majority thinks the old man might have "forgotten" the family jewels, then see what's down there. But be prepared to find nothing more than the moldering remains of a beloved family pet.
Personally, I vote for leaving things as they are -- unless you're planning on re-landscaping the property, in which case you could remove the stone and let Sparkle continue to R.I.P.
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