For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
VULGAR NEW MEMBER PUTS PALL ON FAMILY CELEBRATIONS
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my late 40s. My father and siblings all live in the same town. We have always been close and spend holidays, birthdays, etc. together, even as our families have grown.
Last year my brother's daughter married a horrible man I'll call "Willard." Willard is rude, vulgar and makes constant sexual innuendos. The rest of the family have decided to have nothing to do with my brother's family because of it. We're afraid to invite them to gatherings and holidays for fear that Willard will come with the rest.
We have talked about it with my brother and his wife. They feel that because Willard has become part of their family, he should be accepted whether we like him or not. Another problem: My brother thinks Willard is "wonderful" and says nothing when he's out of line. Is it time for us to also cut them off, or do you have any other ideas? -- TORN IN TUCSON
DEAR TORN: It is not your brother's job to muzzle his son-in-law when the man becomes offensive. Invite the family to one more gathering, and when Willard steps out of line, the person he offends should speak up. If Willard does not stop, do not invite him again.
By the way, when "children" are grown they should receive invitations of their own and not expect to "tag along" with their parents. Your brother should not be ostracized because of his son-in-law's bad behavior. However, if he chooses to estrange himself in order to "punish" you for drawing the line, the choice will be his.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Blake," called off our engagement recently. He has a 4-year-old son, "Danny," with whom I grew very close during our 3 1/2-year relationship. Danny lives with his grandmother, and she and I also have a close relationship. Danny's mother has never been in the picture, and Blake and I would see the boy every weekend.
The grandmother called me recently and asked if I would still like to see Danny. I want to do what's best for the child. I do not wish to use him as a way to stay in my ex-fiance's life. I grew very attached to Danny and, near the end of my relationship with Blake, he had begun to call me "Mommy." I had hoped that one day we would be a family and he wouldn't have to endure another mother figure leaving him.
Would it be best for Danny to continue to see me, or should I leave him alone? -- ALMOST MOM IN SARASOTA
DEAR ALMOST MOM: Because you have been close to Danny for more than three-fourths of his short life, I see no reason why you shouldn't see him. However, you should no longer allow him to call you "Mommy." Tell him that you love him, but he should call you "Aunty" because you will not be living with him. That way you can still have a warm relationship with the boy, even if his father marries someone else who would assume the mommy role.
DEAR ABBY: Does a house "burn up" or "burn down"? -- HOT TOPIC IN ASHEBORO, N.C.
DEAR "HOT": It does both, depending upon where the fire starts. According to the Beverly Hills Fire Department, if a fire starts in the attic, it burns down -- and if it starts on the first floor, it burns up.
Third Husband Is No Charmer When He Puts Down His Wife
DEAR ABBY: I was divorced twice before I met my present husband, "Lou." We have been married seven years. When we're with his extended family or new acquaintances, Lou makes a point in his loud, animated way of letting everyone know that he is my third husband. It's embarrassing. And because I am at a loss for words, I usually stay silent.
I have asked Lou in private why he offers that information when no one asks. I think he's trying to make me look bad. I told him maybe he should have a "3" tattooed on his forehead if he's that proud.
If someone pays me a compliment in his presence, Lou will say, "She really has you fooled!" But, Abby, Lou is the one who has everyone fooled. If his family knew the things he has said and done over the last seven years, they would be shocked.
Early on, his first wife stopped going anywhere with him. I have reached the point where I have begun trying to avoid going out with him. How should I respond -- if at all -- when he tries to make me look bad? Perhaps I should just say, "Yes, you are No. 3. But when you talk about me like that, it makes me wish you weren't." -- OBJECT OF RIDICULE
DEAR OBJECT: If you haven't already done it, tell your husband privately that you don't appreciate being embarrassed in front of family and friends. Tell him that you want it stopped immediately. Your husband appears to be insecure and trying to make himself look better at your expense. If he persists, the next time it happens, smile sweetly and say, "And I'd like you all to meet my soon-to-be third EX-husband." (Come to think about it, that might not be a bad idea.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 38 years young and still single. I enjoy my friends, my freedom and rock concerts. My issue is that at the last two concerts I went to, I heard men -- or boys -- say, "Watch out. Here come the cougars!" I think this is insulting. Or is it?
Can you define a "cougar"? I don't know whether I should be insulted or take it as a compliment. -- STILL ROCKIN' IN IRVINE
DEAR STILL ROCKIN': A "cougar" is a woman who likes to date -- and aggressively pursue -- much younger men. Whether it's an insult, an accurate description or a compliment depends upon how you wish to be perceived. But from my perspective, the comments you heard were stereotypical and "catty," to say the least.
DEAR ABBY: I am a young man who is having some trouble working for "the man" -- you know, the corporate culture. I have always worked for large companies, but have found that my current employer is not open to accepting new ideas or suggestions.
I feel I'm hitting a brick wall when I look at a problem and come up with a solution, but no one will take me seriously because of my youth. Any advice on how to deal with this? -- EAGER IN CUMBERLAND, MD.
DEAR EAGER: When someone is hired by a company with a strong corporate culture, that person is usually expected to conform and not shake up the status quo. I can think of few things more depressing than going every day to a job where you do not feel your input is valued. Feeling as you do, you might be wise to explore opportunities at another company -- or even a field -- that is more youth-oriented.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Summer Dresses Reveal More Than Woman May Care to Show
DEAR ABBY: At the age of 40, I had emergency cardiac surgery followed by an infection, more surgery and six months of difficult recovery. With the help of medical professionals and my husband's tireless care, I finally healed. It's been nearly five years, but I'm back to my "normal" self and can do just about anything I could before. I'm grateful for my life and feel blessed to have recovered from an illness that many have not survived.
My problem: I am very well-endowed. I used to enjoy dressing to highlight my "assets" in a ladylike way. But my once-attractive cleavage is now obscured by deep, severe scarring. On the one hand, my scar is my badge of survival. I don't try to hide it when dressing for work or for leisure. On the other hand, I don't try to flaunt it either.
A season of summer gatherings, parties and celebrations is here, and I'd like to dress for them. Should I stick to high-collared tops (which make me feel frumpy) or wear dresses and blouses that reveal the scars? My close friends are used to them, but I don't want to shock strangers at the hors d'oeuvres table.
This may seem like vanity when so many struggle for health, but it has been difficult overcoming depression after my illness and a long time since I've felt good about dressing up a little. I'd like your opinion. -- WANTS TO FEEL PRETTY AGAIN
DEAR WANTS TO FEEL PRETTY: We are the sum total of our life experiences. Among yours has been major surgery. If you wouldn't mind answering questions about your scars, then wear the low-cut tops you're inclined to. I have seen other women do it. However, if answering questions would make you uncomfortable, consider wearing outfits that highlight your assets in a different way -- or even highlighting different assets.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Regina," who is a wonderful person. The problem is, she has become obsessed with her toddler nephew, "Michael," to the point that she thinks of nothing else. She lives and breathes for him, and our friendship has suffered tremendously because of it.
I love little Michael, too, but I don't want to hear about him 24/7! I have tried changing the subject when Regina starts droning on about every detail of Michael's day, but she always draws the subject back to him. She thinks her sister and brother-in-law can't do anything right for the boy.
Michael's parents are young and work full-time, so Michael is with Regina 50 percent of the time and has been since the day he was born. Regina has no kids of her own and has told me she doesn't intend to -- because she has Michael.
I have tried talking to her about this. Finally, I exploded and told her she has been driving me crazy with talk of nothing but him. She answered that Michael is the only thing she knows how to do right and can talk about intelligently. I think my friend is obsessed. What more can I do? -- ENOUGH ALREADY IN TEXARKANA
DEAR ENOUGH ALREADY: Your friend is less "obsessed" with her nephew than preoccupied. Fifty percent of her time is spent providing child care for him. What else do you expect her to talk about?
I think it's time you cut her some slack. Suggest you do things together that will give her some adult stimulation -- plays, movies, art shows, etc. It could not only save your sanity, it could also improve your relationship and give her something else she can talk about intelligently.
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