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Daughter in Law's Language Can Be a Bridge, Not a Barrier
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "The In-Laws in New Jersey" (April 26), who think their daughter-in-law is rude for speaking a foreign language to her parents and children in front of them. I'm disappointed you didn't point out the opportunity Carmella has to enrich the lives of her husband's parents.
The United States is one of the only first-world nations that does not require its children to learn more than one language, which has left many people feeling that anyone not speaking English is being "rude." Bilingual people can tell you that the pattern of speaking with family in the native language is deeply ingrained and is not easily broken. It isn't intended to exclude others. The in-laws are not out of line to ask Carmella to translate what she's saying, but they could use it as a chance to be a part of their grandchildren's language development.
I come from a bilingual family. My husband is monolingual. We're aware that not speaking English can make him feel isolated, so we do our best to translate to keep him in the loop. This approach has enabled him to start learning the language -- and he's coming along nicely. Multilingualism is an asset to society -- not a flaw. -- BILINGUAL AND PROUD, ALEXANDRIA, VA.
DEAR BILINGUAL: Thank you for the input. The "In-laws" had let Carmella know the private conversations made them uncomfortable, and I felt a little more sensitivity to their feelings was in order. However, the responses that have poured in offer varied perspectives. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: I doubt Carmella was speaking the foreign language to be rude. She may not even realize she's doing it. When you have spoken one language to your parents all your life, switching to another is awkward and unnatural. I speak Taiwanese to my parents, but English to all my friends. Your brain automatically changes languages without you even thinking about it. Carmella's in-laws should know she probably isn't doing it to exclude them, but is only doing something that is second nature. -- WAN-JEN IN UTAH
DEAR ABBY: I am a white, English-speaking, middle-aged woman living in a multiethnic, multi-language community. I can tell you firsthand that learning a few words in another language goes a long way toward community and family harmony. May I suggest the New Jersey in-laws show some polite interest and ask Carmella for help with basic greetings and courtesy terms such as "please," "thank you" and "How are you?" Perhaps they could also learn "I love you" in her language to share with their grandchildren. -- JANET IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: I am French, married to an Englishman who does not speak French. For the last 10 years, I have spoken only French to my children. When others are present, I always let them know I am not being impolite or trying to keep them out of the conversation. My kids are perfectly bilingual now, and in order to achieve such a goal you must be consistent. To me, preserving the richness of two cultures is more important than offending someone. But children should know they can translate for other people in the room when appropriate. -- SIMONE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ABBY: Having the ability to speak some English doesn't mean someone is always comfortable doing it at length or can express what they truly mean. Some colloquialisms, jokes and terms of endearment do not translate. If the in-laws accept that it's not all about them, they will soon realize that "family" can cross language barriers. -- HAPPY THE WAY THINGS ARE
Relief Is Daughter's Response to Demanding Mother's Death
DEAR ABBY: My mother was abusive. When I was 13, she thought it was "cute" to set me up on a date with a 21-year-old Marine on leave. When I was 15, she told me that if she had known she could get an abortion in the '60s, I wouldn't be here. You get the picture.
Although she had no time for me when I was growing up, after her husband died she suddenly became clingy. She'd call me at work at 8 a.m. demanding that I drive 20 miles on my lunch break to bring her a pizza. (Due to obesity and ill health, she was pretty much housebound.)
She spent the last 18 months of her life in a rest home. But her demands became worse. There were frantic phone calls at 2 a.m. to come sit with her because she was "lonely." When I'd rush over, I'd find her sleeping. She called me four or five times during the day, and even more often in the evening.
I gritted my teeth and performed like the good daughter I thought I was. It was infuriating to hear the doctors and nurses say what a loving mother she was, how proud of me she was, blah, blah ...
Her death was a relief. I still run into people who ask about her, and when I tell them she's gone, they ask how I'm holding up. How do I tell them I'm fine? I haven't grieved at all since her death a year ago, nor do I feel sad. The only thing I feel sad about is the fact that I don't feel sad! I'm not an unfeeling person. Your thoughts? -- FEELING GUILTY IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Of course your mother's passing was a relief. How could it not be? When people ask how you're holding up, you don't have to air the dirty laundry. Tell them you are managing, and that being without your mother is an "adjustment." (It's the truth.) As to your not having cried over her demise, it may be because you know she's in a better place, and you survived in spite of her -- so stop feeling guilty.
DEAR ABBY: I have a disease. It's called "plan-itis." I love planning card games, pool parties, Halloween parties, etc. I plan parties for our friends and family to attend, or adult parties to get together without the kids.
I am married with two children and work full-time. I love to throw get-togethers for any occasion. If you want to be married in one week, I can plan it and pull it off for you. Do you think there is something wrong with me? -- "PARTY" GIRL IN OHIO
DEAR "PARTY" GIRL: I sure don't! Your "disease" would be more accurately defined as a "talent." People have turned that talent into successful party-planning businesses. So why not turn what you're already doing -- and already good at -- into a side business? You could be very successful at it.
DEAR ABBY: Can you please tell me what kind of tree is usually planted in honor of someone's death? The anniversary of my father's death is approaching, and I would like to honor him with a tree. -- REMEMBERING HIM
DEAR REMEMBERING: Where do you plan to plant this tree? If it's the cemetery where your father is buried, you should ask if it's allowed and what the preferences are. If the reply is "anything goes," consider what tree best symbolizes your father. An oak that bespeaks his strength? A redwood or hardy pine to symbolize his stature in your life? Or a weeping willow, as a statement that he will always be missed.
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Loyal Friend Helps Woman Cope With Aftermath of Abuse
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to praise all those friends and family who support their loved ones through and after abusive relationships.
A year ago, I ended a 2 1/2-year relationship with a controlling, emotionally abusive man. During those years, I almost completely ignored my best friend. I was never available to see her socially, and our telephone conversations were few and far between.
I didn't deserve the generosity she showed me after the breakup. If I was sad or lonely, she was there for me every second of the day. She stayed with me long hours while I adjusted to single life, and even dragged her nauseated self (she was pregnant) out with me while I attempted to resume a social life.
I know I am not the only woman who has received friendship, support and love even when they haven't given the same. Readers who have helped loved ones to restructure their lives after an abusive relationship should know that we regard them as angels. They have given us an enormous gift just by answering the phone, sitting with us, or giving us a much-needed hug. I hope all of you know how valuable you are. -- INDEBTED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR INDEBTED: I am printing your letter not only because of your tribute to your good friend, but also because of an important point that may have escaped you. Please stop flogging yourself for being unable to give your friend the attention she deserved while you were involved with an abuser.
One of the first things abusers (of both sexes, by the way) do is to isolate their victims from friends and family. It is often done gradually, so the person doesn't realize what is happening until it's too late. After all, when we love someone we don't want to do anything that would make him (or her) uncomfortable, or cause him/her to sulk -- so we allow them to monopolize our time until there isn't any left to give to anyone else. That is what happened to you, and it appears your friend understood that fact. Kudos to her.
DEAR ABBY: I work in retail, and one of my regular customers is a man who stutters. It takes him 10 seconds or more to speak certain words. Would it be considered rude to provide the word for him until he gets caught up? I feel it would relieve him from an uncomfortable situation. My co-worker says it would be rude and would only add to his frustration. Who is right? -- WANTS TO BE HELPFUL, SOUTH DAYTONA, FLA.
DEAR WANTS TO BE HELPFUL: I agree with your co-worker. Do not finish the man's sentence for him. Not only would it be a breach of etiquette to draw attention to his problem, you could also lose a regular customer.
DEAR ABBY: May I comment on a sensitive issue I have never seen addressed in your column? I have noticed an increasing number of memorials at accident sites along freeways and roads.
While I sympathize with the bereaved families, is it necessary to have two places to mourn the loss of their loved one? Isn't the cemetery enough? -- M.H. IN L.A.
DEAR M.H.: The memorials you describe are intended as a gesture of respect, and also to remind motorists that the area can be dangerous. However, if a memorial becomes a distraction, the authorities may order it removed.
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