To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Relief Is Daughter's Response to Demanding Mother's Death
DEAR ABBY: My mother was abusive. When I was 13, she thought it was "cute" to set me up on a date with a 21-year-old Marine on leave. When I was 15, she told me that if she had known she could get an abortion in the '60s, I wouldn't be here. You get the picture.
Although she had no time for me when I was growing up, after her husband died she suddenly became clingy. She'd call me at work at 8 a.m. demanding that I drive 20 miles on my lunch break to bring her a pizza. (Due to obesity and ill health, she was pretty much housebound.)
She spent the last 18 months of her life in a rest home. But her demands became worse. There were frantic phone calls at 2 a.m. to come sit with her because she was "lonely." When I'd rush over, I'd find her sleeping. She called me four or five times during the day, and even more often in the evening.
I gritted my teeth and performed like the good daughter I thought I was. It was infuriating to hear the doctors and nurses say what a loving mother she was, how proud of me she was, blah, blah ...
Her death was a relief. I still run into people who ask about her, and when I tell them she's gone, they ask how I'm holding up. How do I tell them I'm fine? I haven't grieved at all since her death a year ago, nor do I feel sad. The only thing I feel sad about is the fact that I don't feel sad! I'm not an unfeeling person. Your thoughts? -- FEELING GUILTY IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Of course your mother's passing was a relief. How could it not be? When people ask how you're holding up, you don't have to air the dirty laundry. Tell them you are managing, and that being without your mother is an "adjustment." (It's the truth.) As to your not having cried over her demise, it may be because you know she's in a better place, and you survived in spite of her -- so stop feeling guilty.
DEAR ABBY: I have a disease. It's called "plan-itis." I love planning card games, pool parties, Halloween parties, etc. I plan parties for our friends and family to attend, or adult parties to get together without the kids.
I am married with two children and work full-time. I love to throw get-togethers for any occasion. If you want to be married in one week, I can plan it and pull it off for you. Do you think there is something wrong with me? -- "PARTY" GIRL IN OHIO
DEAR "PARTY" GIRL: I sure don't! Your "disease" would be more accurately defined as a "talent." People have turned that talent into successful party-planning businesses. So why not turn what you're already doing -- and already good at -- into a side business? You could be very successful at it.
DEAR ABBY: Can you please tell me what kind of tree is usually planted in honor of someone's death? The anniversary of my father's death is approaching, and I would like to honor him with a tree. -- REMEMBERING HIM
DEAR REMEMBERING: Where do you plan to plant this tree? If it's the cemetery where your father is buried, you should ask if it's allowed and what the preferences are. If the reply is "anything goes," consider what tree best symbolizes your father. An oak that bespeaks his strength? A redwood or hardy pine to symbolize his stature in your life? Or a weeping willow, as a statement that he will always be missed.
Loyal Friend Helps Woman Cope With Aftermath of Abuse
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to praise all those friends and family who support their loved ones through and after abusive relationships.
A year ago, I ended a 2 1/2-year relationship with a controlling, emotionally abusive man. During those years, I almost completely ignored my best friend. I was never available to see her socially, and our telephone conversations were few and far between.
I didn't deserve the generosity she showed me after the breakup. If I was sad or lonely, she was there for me every second of the day. She stayed with me long hours while I adjusted to single life, and even dragged her nauseated self (she was pregnant) out with me while I attempted to resume a social life.
I know I am not the only woman who has received friendship, support and love even when they haven't given the same. Readers who have helped loved ones to restructure their lives after an abusive relationship should know that we regard them as angels. They have given us an enormous gift just by answering the phone, sitting with us, or giving us a much-needed hug. I hope all of you know how valuable you are. -- INDEBTED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR INDEBTED: I am printing your letter not only because of your tribute to your good friend, but also because of an important point that may have escaped you. Please stop flogging yourself for being unable to give your friend the attention she deserved while you were involved with an abuser.
One of the first things abusers (of both sexes, by the way) do is to isolate their victims from friends and family. It is often done gradually, so the person doesn't realize what is happening until it's too late. After all, when we love someone we don't want to do anything that would make him (or her) uncomfortable, or cause him/her to sulk -- so we allow them to monopolize our time until there isn't any left to give to anyone else. That is what happened to you, and it appears your friend understood that fact. Kudos to her.
DEAR ABBY: I work in retail, and one of my regular customers is a man who stutters. It takes him 10 seconds or more to speak certain words. Would it be considered rude to provide the word for him until he gets caught up? I feel it would relieve him from an uncomfortable situation. My co-worker says it would be rude and would only add to his frustration. Who is right? -- WANTS TO BE HELPFUL, SOUTH DAYTONA, FLA.
DEAR WANTS TO BE HELPFUL: I agree with your co-worker. Do not finish the man's sentence for him. Not only would it be a breach of etiquette to draw attention to his problem, you could also lose a regular customer.
DEAR ABBY: May I comment on a sensitive issue I have never seen addressed in your column? I have noticed an increasing number of memorials at accident sites along freeways and roads.
While I sympathize with the bereaved families, is it necessary to have two places to mourn the loss of their loved one? Isn't the cemetery enough? -- M.H. IN L.A.
DEAR M.H.: The memorials you describe are intended as a gesture of respect, and also to remind motorists that the area can be dangerous. However, if a memorial becomes a distraction, the authorities may order it removed.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Treasured Items Go Missing After Childhood Friend's Visit
DEAR ABBY: I recently entertained a childhood friend as a houseguest. It was our first visit in many years. After she left, I noticed several treasured heirlooms were missing -- a hand-blown glass horse sculpture and a bowl from a prominent glass company in Italy. I had hand-carried those pieces home from Italy as gifts for my parents, who have since died. They were the only things that I had from my parents, and they are irreplaceable.
I heard my friend talk about "getting" items from work. Even though I was shocked, I said nothing. I can't prove that she took the sculpture and bowl, but they were here before she came and gone after her departure. No one else has been in my home. What should I do? -- NO MORE INVITATIONS
DEAR NO MORE INVITATIONS: Your childhood friend may be a kleptomaniac, or jealous of the life you have lived and took the items as a way to "even the score." One way to get your things back would be to pay the woman an unexpected visit and retrieve the items to which she helped herself. Do not go unaccompanied.
If you have photographs of the sculpture and the bowl displayed in your home, not only would they be "proof" of what she took, they could also be helpful for insuring other items of value.
DEAR ABBY: "Brent" and I have been friends since grammar school. We had always had chemistry, so at 18 we took it to another level and started dating. After three months, I broke it off because it didn't "feel right." Brent hadn't cheated on me -- in fact, we got along perfectly.
We are now 21 and ran into each other recently. All the feelings I had for him came flooding back and -- to my amazement -- he said he felt the same way.
Only one thing is holding me back. I have heard the phrase, "An ex is an ex for a reason." What is your opinion? -- FOUND MY SOULMATE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR FOUND YOUR SOULMATE: Sometimes there is a kernel of truth in those hackneyed cliches. And that's why it is important for you and Brent to carefully examine what went wrong the first time before becoming involved again. It could save one or both of you from getting hurt.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to thank you for a letter you printed near the end of last year. It was from "Walter H.," who was dismayed at the lack of handwritten correspondence he received. After reading his letter I was moved to send a special letter to my grandmother. I wrote it by hand and expressed my deep appreciation for everything she had done for me and also thanked her for the important role she had played in my life.
A few months later, my dear grandmother was gone. I must say that being able to tell her how much she meant to me, and being able to thank her for all she had done, helped me through the grieving process after her passing. I felt as though I had been able to say my piece to her and let her know exactly how much she was loved.
Walter H.'s letter provided me with that little bit of incentive to write my grandmother, and it helped me in so many ways. My sincere thanks to you both. -- THANKFUL GRANDSON IN TORONTO
DEAR THANKFUL: I'm sure Walter H. will be as touched to read your letter as I was. Your acknowledgment of your grandmother's role in your life was the most meaningful gift you could have given her, and I'm glad you didn't procrastinate about expressing it.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)