For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girl Hanging Out With Older Boys Is Headed for Trouble
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 years old and have known a girl I'll call Emma for a couple of years. She's 14 and like a member of my family -- a little sister. My parents joke that Emma is their second daughter.
Emma is an only child and lives with her mother. Her dad is an alcoholic who is currently serving time in prison. Lately Emma has been hanging out with a group of 18- and 19-year-old boys who let her drink and smoke pot with them. People say she's just "doing what all teens do," but I have never smoked or had a drink in my life.
Should I tell Emma's mother what's going on and risk losing our relationship, or should I wait to see if it's just a phase? I feel responsible, but don't know what to do. -- BIG SISTER IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR BIG SISTER: Tell Emma's mother NOW. Because Emma's father is an alcoholic, she already has the predisposition to become one. The longer you procrastinate, the greater her chances of getting into serious trouble --and face it, she's already well on her way. The "boys" Emma is hanging out with are too old for her, and girls under the influence of alcohol and marijuana make mistakes that can affect the rest of their lives.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 26, and "Henry," my boyfriend of five years, and I are expecting our first child. We're not married, but plan to be sometime after the baby arrives.
My problem is my mother. She keeps telling me that because Henry and I aren't married, the baby's last name should be my maiden name. She says it's the law. I always believed that a child's last name should be the father's last name, married or not.
Is my mother right, or is our baby entitled to have his father's last name? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: According to the Los Angeles County Hall of Records, because you and Henry are not married, in order for his name to appear on the baby's birth certificate, he will have to sign a Declaration of Paternity. This can be done in the hospital at the time of the child's birth. However, because you don't live in L.A. County, and laws can vary in different places, check with the birth clerk at the hospital where the baby will be delivered.
DEAR ABBY: I recently celebrated a birthday and was taken to lunch by a couple who are like a second set of parents to me. As they always do, they presented me with a card filled with cash. The cash was a combination of $10s and $20s.
I opened the card in front of them, read the sentiment inside and thanked them from the bottom of my heart. However, it is always awkward because I never know what to do with the money. Is it proper to count it in front of them, or acknowledge the cash, close the card and count it later in private? -- GRATEFUL IN ORLANDO
DEAR GRATEFUL: You should thank your benefactors warmly for their generosity, close the card and count the money privately. Then write them a sweet note in which you thank them again for the amount they gave you. To count the money in their presence would make it appear you are fixated on the amount.
Tribute to Stepfathers Pays Homage to Overlooked Dads
DEAR ABBY: On Father's Day many stepdads are often underappreciated or excluded, so I wrote this poem to honor these unsung heroes. I hope you'll put it in your column, so my husband -- and other stepdads everywhere -- will know it was written for them. -- LESLEY STITT, ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR LESLEY: In these times when blended families are common, your tribute is clever, appropriate, and certainly worth space in my column. Read on:
NOT HER FATHER
Hey, it's really not "your day."
I just don't know what else to say
Because, you see, you're just a "step,"
You're not her dad -- you're just a "rep,"
-- A stand-in really, rest assured
You're only there to be endured.
Oh! Unless she needs a ride,
Or someone there to take her side,
And please have money you can lend;
'Cause that's when you will have a friend.
She's NOT your daughter, though, be clear;
You're not her dad, just someone here.
There's really lots for you to do;
And you get all the "good jobs," too;
You get to worry when she's late,
Pick her up from her late date,
Comfort her when she's in tears,
And try to calm her teenage fears.
And you will get to love her, too,
Even though she won't love you.
You'll get to care for her each day,
And see my daughter doesn't stray
From rules that you will get to make --
She won't admit they're for her sake!
She thinks stepdads just aren't "fun,"
You're just as boring as her mom.
You're only there (you must concede)
To see that she's got all she needs!
Father's Day? Nah, she won't bother
Thanking you -- you're not her father!
So let me do it in her stead,
As I have done since we were wed.
Thanks for all the things you do,
And all you are -- I love you, too.
Happy Father's Day.
DEAR ABBY: Our mah-jong group has three older women. Our fourth member died recently. We have three substitutes, one of whom wants to become the permanent fourth member. But she's rude and demeaning to one of the other substitutes, of whom she's apparently jealous. How do we tell "Troublemaker" we no longer want her to play, even as a sub? -- SEEKING HARMONY IN SCOTTSDALE
DEAR SEEKING HARMONY: It shouldn't be too difficult. Ask one of the other substitutes to become the permanent member, and I predict the insecure "Troublemaker" will "punish" you by becoming unavailable.
TO FATHERS EVERYWHERE -- BIRTH FATHERS, STEPFATHERS, FOSTER FATHERS, TOO: Happy Father's Day to all of you! In addition, I extend good wishes to those caring men who donate their time mentoring youngsters whose parents are absent or deceased. The most precious gift a person can give is a gift of self, and the difference you make is immeasurable.
P.S. To Morton B. in Minneapolis: Happy Father's Day, Pop!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
For Mom With Four Kids, Travel Is Only a Guilt Trip
DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to my fourth child a few months ago. (My oldest is 5.) I am now being pressured by my in-laws, who live in another state, to visit. They expect me to pack up the six of us and drive three hours to a house that is not child-friendly.
I have tried to be as accommodating as possible, and have traveled as much as I could with pregnancies and newborns to deal with. I am just not up to it this time. Would it be unreasonable of me to ask for a year's reprieve?
I would gladly throw open my doors to any and all who would like to visit and see the grandchildren, but traveling has become too much for me. I just can't go anywhere at this time. Why won't people understand? Why must I be constantly burdened with the guilt of disappointing others?
Can't they see that for me, traveling is no longer a "diversion" but a cumbersome undertaking? Or am I the one being difficult? -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN MARYLAND
DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Sometimes people become so used to the status quo that they overlook the reality that circumstances change. The time has come for you to quit trying so hard to be a people-pleaser. Tell your in-laws they are welcome to visit at a time of their choosing, but that with the arrival of your fourth child under the age of 6, travel has become too much for you.
And please do not feel guilty for speaking up. Your husband should support you on this -- unless he is willing to do his share of the packing, the driving and entertaining the children while they are en route.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a year. We love each other -- no question about that -- but when I tell him I'm IN love with him, he never responds. He says he doesn't know what that means.
He asked me to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love. He says it doesn't make sense to him. Please help me explain to him what it means to be in love. I need to know that he's in love with me, not that he just loves me. -- IN LOVE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR IN LOVE: If you have to explain to this wonderful man what it means to be in love, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you he may not BE in love with you. While it's possible for a man or woman to "love" many people (and cats, and pizza and shiny cars), when someone is IN love, then only the object of that emotion will satisfy him or her. There is nothing unsure or doubtful about it, and no substitute will suffice.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I frequently receive birthday cards, Christmas cards and other mail that has been misaddressed. Today a thank-you note from "Carrie" to "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Murphy" arrived at our address. Our name is Smith, and we have no idea who the Murphys are. Again, there was no return address to let the sender know the address was incorrect.
I do open these mailings, hoping there will be an address on the inside. When I return them to the post office, they just wind up in the dead-letter file.
Please remind your readers to put return addresses on their correspondence. -- RETURN TO SENDER, CATASAUQUA, PA.
DEAR MRS. SMITH: I'm pleased to pass the word along. However, you should not open mail that is addressed to someone else because to do so is against the law. The envelope should be marked "addressee unknown" and returned to the post office or to your mail carrier.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)