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SAD COUPLE LONGS TO SHARE IN THE JOY OF GRANDPARENTING
DEAR ABBY: Our kids have decided not to have kids. Although we have no choice but to accept it, and would never express our disappointment or lay a guilt trip on them, we still have feelings about it. It's our biggest sadness.
All the people we know have grandchildren. At holidays they have toys to buy, cookies to bake, dinners to plan. Our friends and relatives tell us that because we won't have grandkids we can buy ourselves something extra-special. It doesn't make us feel any better.
An entire chapter of our lives will be missing. No one will call us "Grandma" or "Grandpa." Are our feelings legitimate, or are we whining about nothing? -- NOBODY'S GRANDMA
DEAR NOBODY'S GRANDMA: You are whining about something. However, if you feel left out because you won't be buying toys at holiday time, baking cookies and being called "Grandma" and "Grandpa," I have a suggestion for you. "Adopt" a needy family with small children and assume that role. You need only look as far as your nearest homeless shelter, program for abused women, or ask someone in Social Services to find one for you. I guarantee you'll be greeted with open arms and open hearts.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is a hardworking farm woman in her early 60s who never bothered to take care of her skin. She recently went through menopause, and now her face looks much older than her years.
Mom is a good person. Every wrinkle and laugh line has been well-earned. However, several people have made comments to her like, "What happened to you? You look terrible!"
How should Mom respond to this? I suggested she say with smile, "I'm getting old, and I look it!" She feels that would be too harsh. Do you have a more subtle answer for these insensitive people? -- PROUDLY AGING, READING, MINN.
DEAR PROUDLY AGING: There's an old saying: "It takes an enemy and a friend to hurt you to the core. The enemy to slander you, and the friend to get the 'news' to you." Your suggested response to the tactless individuals who would say such a thing to your mother isn't "harsh" -- it's right on target. If your mother tried for something more subtle, the people wouldn't get the message.
DEAR ABBY: My brother "Albert's" in-laws charge him and his new wife to attend family events. Example: When they are invited to the in-laws' lake house, they must bring $20 to cover the gas for the boat. Last Christmas they were charged $10 apiece for the family's annual shrimp boil, and $50 for a grandparent's birthday party.
The in-laws are not poor. They could well afford to host these events for their relatively small family. Albert and his wife, however, are newlyweds. They don't have a lot of spare cash. Nevertheless, their attendance at these family events is expected.
I believe to charge a guest money to attend a gathering like this is a social blunder. Albert says that's the price of marrying into the family. What do you think, Abby? -- PROTECTIVE SIBLING, NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PROTECTIVE SIBLING: Considering the fact that the in-laws have money, the practice is certainly unusual. However, your brother knew what he was getting into when he married into this family, and you should M.Y.O.B.
DEAR ABBY: I am happily married to the most wonderful woman in the world. I feel blessed to have her in my life and to be a part of hers.
I am not an elitist; I like to think I am a humble person. But I do believe in correct grammar, proper pronunciation and the eloquent employment of words in conversation. My wife did not have the benefit of an upbringing in which these were practiced. She comes from the "ain't got no" school of speaking.
I can accept this at home, but in business as a corporate executive, I am embarrassed by her low verbal skills.
I would never hurt or shame my wife by correcting her in front of anyone. The obvious answer is to bring it up in private. I did that, but she is not inclined to improve her word skills. She has mentioned a friend who tried to help her in this endeavor, but it went nowhere. I wish I could do something. Any ideas on how I can help? -- WORDSMITH IN ILLINOIS
DEAR WORDSMITH: The most important line in your letter is the one in which you say you have spoken to your wife about the problem, "but she is not inclined to improve her word skills." You might try one more time, and tell her you're afraid her poor English will affect your chances for promotion and you would appreciate it if she would take some courses in English grammar and literature. But you can't force her.
You say you have a happy marriage and your wife is the most wonderful woman in the world. Nobody has everything. Love her for who she is and stop worrying about how others perceive her.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "Rose" who lives in a senior complex. Somehow she discovered that her key will fit random apartments in the complex, and she goes in when her neighbors are not present. I have told Rose that what she's doing isn't right, but she says "they all rent from the same person," so she's doing nothing wrong. She does not go in for any reason other than to nose around. Sometimes she asks a friend to go with her on these little trips. What do you think about this? -- PUZZLED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR PUZZLED: Because everyone rents from the same person does not give ANYONE -- including the landlord -- the right to enter someone's apartment without permission. Rose is trespassing, and it's against the law.
It doesn't make sense that her key fits "random apartments" unless she has somehow gotten hold of a pass key. Management should be informed that their security system has been breached because the tenants have a right to privacy.
DEAR ABBY: I have had terrible luck lately at fast-food drive-through restaurants. I eat on a budget, and I'm getting tired of pulling away only to find my order is incomplete -- or worse, inedible.
My husband says I should check the order before I pull away, but I'm afraid it would be rude because it holds up the line. What do you recommend? -- STALE BURGER BUNS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR S.B.B.: Fast-food restaurants do not always have experienced help. That's why it makes sense to check your order before you leave as your husband suggested -- and doing so is not "rude." However, there is no excuse for a customer being served stale or improperly cooked food. If that happened to me, I would complain to the manager, and if it wasn't corrected, I'd take my business to another establishment.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from the reader (April 7) who was bothered by the use of youthful pictures of the deceased in obituaries. I have heard that criticism before, and it baffles me. People aren't just who they were at 84, the age when they passed.
What offends ME are obituaries that describe the person as "lovingly tending her tomatoes" or "a bingo devotee." Why aren't they described as the sum total of who they were in each stage of their lives?
All of us make a difference in the world each day because of our presence. And it's our whole lives that do it, not just the most recent few years. There are so many things on this Earth to criticize. A photograph that was chosen for someone's obituary should not be one of them. -- DONNA IN CONCORD, N.H.
DEAR DONNA: I agree. However, readers' views on this subject were varied. As one person pointed out, your obituary photo may be "the only time you get your youth back." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I discussed "Just Call Me Snapshot's" letter with my mother. She suggested that maybe the people in those pictures were the picture-takers in the family. I know I rarely appear in family photos because I am the one behind the camera. Perhaps a more recent photograph of the loved one doesn't exist! -- SUSAN IN BLOOMINGDALE, GA.
DEAR ABBY: The use of photos of the deceased in their prime is nothing new. Look at the death masks and statues from ancient Egypt. No one was depicted ravaged by time or illness. -- ROBERT FROM COLUMBUS, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Snapshot" was that this is the way for a loved one to be remembered in his or her prime. However, I have a more correct -- and cynical -- answer. It's a larger source of income for the newspaper.
The fees for obituaries are exorbitant. A simple Sunday announcement can run more than $200. The "helpful" editors have all kinds of stock phrases they offer that increase the size of the ad -- and that's exactly what it is -- and bump up the cost. Grieving families often don't realize the cost until the bill arrives. Like "Snapshot," I find it ghoulish, just another way to soak the grief-stricken. -- PAID THE BILL, ST. LOUIS
DEAR ABBY: The reader who objected to people using old photos instead of recent ones in obituaries is obviously still young. When she looks at me she sees the white hair, the sagging skin and other signs of aging, but my image of myself is still youthful, dark-haired and fit. I would like to use a younger picture for my obituary -- it's who I am. -- SOMETIMES SHOCKED AT THE MIRROR
DEAR ABBY: The writer of that letter overlooks the 20-year-old photos of LIVING people that we see so often in print media. These people have also aged (as we all do), and frankly, the use of an outdated picture is an insult to our intelligence. I see as pure fraud putting forth an image that is not truthful. There oughta be a law. -- CANDID PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE PRESENT
DEAR ABBY: Wait a minute. I appreciate those old photos. They give me a glimpse into people's lives -- who they were, and who they became. It has also given me a sense of my own mortality. Those images remind me that I, too, am marching on, and I should spend time wisely and make every day count. -- ANOTHER PICTURE IN THE PAPER
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