What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am happily married to the most wonderful woman in the world. I feel blessed to have her in my life and to be a part of hers.
I am not an elitist; I like to think I am a humble person. But I do believe in correct grammar, proper pronunciation and the eloquent employment of words in conversation. My wife did not have the benefit of an upbringing in which these were practiced. She comes from the "ain't got no" school of speaking.
I can accept this at home, but in business as a corporate executive, I am embarrassed by her low verbal skills.
I would never hurt or shame my wife by correcting her in front of anyone. The obvious answer is to bring it up in private. I did that, but she is not inclined to improve her word skills. She has mentioned a friend who tried to help her in this endeavor, but it went nowhere. I wish I could do something. Any ideas on how I can help? -- WORDSMITH IN ILLINOIS
DEAR WORDSMITH: The most important line in your letter is the one in which you say you have spoken to your wife about the problem, "but she is not inclined to improve her word skills." You might try one more time, and tell her you're afraid her poor English will affect your chances for promotion and you would appreciate it if she would take some courses in English grammar and literature. But you can't force her.
You say you have a happy marriage and your wife is the most wonderful woman in the world. Nobody has everything. Love her for who she is and stop worrying about how others perceive her.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "Rose" who lives in a senior complex. Somehow she discovered that her key will fit random apartments in the complex, and she goes in when her neighbors are not present. I have told Rose that what she's doing isn't right, but she says "they all rent from the same person," so she's doing nothing wrong. She does not go in for any reason other than to nose around. Sometimes she asks a friend to go with her on these little trips. What do you think about this? -- PUZZLED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR PUZZLED: Because everyone rents from the same person does not give ANYONE -- including the landlord -- the right to enter someone's apartment without permission. Rose is trespassing, and it's against the law.
It doesn't make sense that her key fits "random apartments" unless she has somehow gotten hold of a pass key. Management should be informed that their security system has been breached because the tenants have a right to privacy.
DEAR ABBY: I have had terrible luck lately at fast-food drive-through restaurants. I eat on a budget, and I'm getting tired of pulling away only to find my order is incomplete -- or worse, inedible.
My husband says I should check the order before I pull away, but I'm afraid it would be rude because it holds up the line. What do you recommend? -- STALE BURGER BUNS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR S.B.B.: Fast-food restaurants do not always have experienced help. That's why it makes sense to check your order before you leave as your husband suggested -- and doing so is not "rude." However, there is no excuse for a customer being served stale or improperly cooked food. If that happened to me, I would complain to the manager, and if it wasn't corrected, I'd take my business to another establishment.
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from the reader (April 7) who was bothered by the use of youthful pictures of the deceased in obituaries. I have heard that criticism before, and it baffles me. People aren't just who they were at 84, the age when they passed.
What offends ME are obituaries that describe the person as "lovingly tending her tomatoes" or "a bingo devotee." Why aren't they described as the sum total of who they were in each stage of their lives?
All of us make a difference in the world each day because of our presence. And it's our whole lives that do it, not just the most recent few years. There are so many things on this Earth to criticize. A photograph that was chosen for someone's obituary should not be one of them. -- DONNA IN CONCORD, N.H.
DEAR DONNA: I agree. However, readers' views on this subject were varied. As one person pointed out, your obituary photo may be "the only time you get your youth back." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I discussed "Just Call Me Snapshot's" letter with my mother. She suggested that maybe the people in those pictures were the picture-takers in the family. I know I rarely appear in family photos because I am the one behind the camera. Perhaps a more recent photograph of the loved one doesn't exist! -- SUSAN IN BLOOMINGDALE, GA.
DEAR ABBY: The use of photos of the deceased in their prime is nothing new. Look at the death masks and statues from ancient Egypt. No one was depicted ravaged by time or illness. -- ROBERT FROM COLUMBUS, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Snapshot" was that this is the way for a loved one to be remembered in his or her prime. However, I have a more correct -- and cynical -- answer. It's a larger source of income for the newspaper.
The fees for obituaries are exorbitant. A simple Sunday announcement can run more than $200. The "helpful" editors have all kinds of stock phrases they offer that increase the size of the ad -- and that's exactly what it is -- and bump up the cost. Grieving families often don't realize the cost until the bill arrives. Like "Snapshot," I find it ghoulish, just another way to soak the grief-stricken. -- PAID THE BILL, ST. LOUIS
DEAR ABBY: The reader who objected to people using old photos instead of recent ones in obituaries is obviously still young. When she looks at me she sees the white hair, the sagging skin and other signs of aging, but my image of myself is still youthful, dark-haired and fit. I would like to use a younger picture for my obituary -- it's who I am. -- SOMETIMES SHOCKED AT THE MIRROR
DEAR ABBY: The writer of that letter overlooks the 20-year-old photos of LIVING people that we see so often in print media. These people have also aged (as we all do), and frankly, the use of an outdated picture is an insult to our intelligence. I see as pure fraud putting forth an image that is not truthful. There oughta be a law. -- CANDID PHOTOGRAPHER IN THE PRESENT
DEAR ABBY: Wait a minute. I appreciate those old photos. They give me a glimpse into people's lives -- who they were, and who they became. It has also given me a sense of my own mortality. Those images remind me that I, too, am marching on, and I should spend time wisely and make every day count. -- ANOTHER PICTURE IN THE PAPER
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Dad Keeps Daughter's Autism a Secret From His Parents
DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 3-year-old niece I'll call "Serena." She is my brother "Simon's" daughter. Serena is mildly autistic but has made amazing progress. We're optimistic that she'll be indistinguishable in a few years.
The problem is, Simon is adamant that he does not want our parents to know about Serena's condition. Mom and Dad are good people, but lousy grandparents. Simon thinks they would be judgmental toward him and would gossip about matters he would prefer be kept private. He might be right. But because he is keeping them in the dark, his relationship with them has deteriorated. Our parents haven't seen Serena since she was a baby.
Simon has threatened that if I tell our parents about Serena's autism, he will never speak to me again. That would cost me a relationship not only with him, but also with my niece. I have encouraged him to come clean, but he refuses.
What should I do? Should I stay out of it, or intervene? And is this kind of situation typical with families who have children with special needs? -- UNCLE WITH A SECRET
DEAR UNCLE: When a family member is diagnosed with a mental health disorder, some families consider it to be something shameful, and "circle the wagons" to hide it. While it is regrettable, this is the path your brother has chosen. Not knowing your parents' level of sophistication, I'm guessing he may be right about them and that he prefers to allow them into his daughter's life only after her problem has become "indistinguishable in a few years" -- if ever.
If you value your relationship with Simon, do not reveal his secret. Obviously he trusts you, or he wouldn't have taken you into his confidence. If you betray him, your relationship will never be the same.
DEAR ABBY: I come from a dysfunctional family. I was never close to my brothers and sister. About 10 years ago, I became friends with a gentleman I'll call "Eric." Our relationship is platonic -- we're like siblings. We "talk" almost every day by e-mail because he now lives out of state.
When I mention to my other friends that I have a male friend, I get a funny look because they assume Eric and I are having some kind of affair. They say men and women can't be friends without something sexual going on between them. When I tell them this isn't the case, they don't buy it. What can I say or do to get them to believe me? -- TELLING THE TRUTH IN OHIO
DEAR TELLING THE TRUTH: Nothing. So stop arguing. When someone tells you that men and women can't be friends without something sexual going on, that person is telling you something about him- or herself. Obviously, as you already know, there are no hard-and-fast rules governing friendship. Sometimes people have "good chemistry" and click -- and this happens with same-sex friendships as well as those with the opposite sex.
DEAR ABBY: Is it ever appropriate for a grandmother to expect payment to baby-sit her grandchildren? -- TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING
DEAR TRYING: It depends upon the situation and how much time Grandma is devoting to taking care of the children. If the grandmother needs the money, and the amount of time she's tending to the children interferes with her ability to earn a living and provide for her retirement, then by all means she should be paid -- and at least minimum wage.
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